Saturday, November 26, 2011

What I'm thankful for this year...

This Thanksgiving was nothing like I had planned. Last year I was ready to pop and we were all hoping Addi would wait until after Thanksgiving to make her appearance so we wouldn't have to leave a house full of food to go to the hospital...looking back that would have been the best scenario possible. But alas, that was not the case and we spent the whole day eating and visiting.

2010 Happy parents-to-be not knowing what was in front of them. 

We have this tradition where after dinner we go around the table and say what we are thankful for. It's a fun tradition that usually brings no tears and is easy to do. We even video tape it so we can remember it from year to year. Last year I don't think anyone left Addi off their list. We were all so thankful for this little girl who would be joining our family at any moment.

This year I was dreading this very moment, the moment we were to proclaim what it was we were thankful for this year. While I DO have so much to be thankful for (an amazing husband,the most supportive family a girl could ask for, friends that have been with us through thick and thin etc.) when you go through such a loss as we did it's so hard to concentrate on the good when you know how much better life would be if that person were here. Yes, life can be good, but the daily sadness we carry missing Addison is so all consuming. Yes, this Thanksgiving was good, but how great it would have been with an almost one year old sharing her first Thanksgiving with her family.

So when it was my turn I did something I have never done before and I cried. I cried for the magnitude of the moment, I cried at the words coming out of my mouth and I cried for my missing daughter around our table. It's so hard to be thankful for a year filled with grief, but in the end I am still most thankful for Addison and the fact that I am her mom and she is ours whether she is here or not.

The funny thing is that I expected this Thanksgiving to be missing someone. My grandparents (both sets still alive still married to each other) are between the ages of 77-85 and 3 of which spent time in the hospital this year and last and I EXPECTED to have someone missing at the table this year. I made sure last year to look around and enjoy every single person, but the one person I expected to be here, the one in my belly never got her chance. So this year while I am so thankful that they are all here for another year I can't help, but feel it isn't the way it should be. It's not right Addi isn't here, but I know I am not alone in that thinking.

2010 Picture with all the grandparents and my Addi belly last year in case we didn't have everyone this year...turns out we didn't.

Next year I hope we still have everyone around our table + one little one, but I know better than to expect anything.
2011 This year's picture with the grandparents and my belly, please God let next year's picture include a living baby (please excuse Brian's creeper mustache he is participating in (M)ovember to promote prostate cancer awareness).
I had made a joke last year that I would have to wear my maternity pants for every year because they would be great "Thanksgiving pants" little did I know I would be wearing maternity pants again this year. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful to have this little one growing in my belly, but the reason I am pregnant is just so wrong. I turned to my sister this year and asked her why I was ALWAYS pregnant at these things?!?!

Next Thanksgiving I just hope that I am not pregnant for all the right reasons. Being pregnant another Thanksgiving would mean another loss and I just can't handle that...I can't even handle the one!

So this year I am thankful for my family and how close we all are. I am even more thankful that they all love Addi the way I do and that with them I never have to fight for Addi to be talked about, she is talked about openly and lovingly and while I expect this of my family they have gone above and beyond and I am thankful for that.

This Thanksgiving also mark one more thing...it's the last "first" holiday without Addison. We have officially made it through a year of celebrations and holidays without our girl...how...I am still unsure. It certainly wasn't willingly. A year of grief a year of sad, but the worst part is that even though we managed to survive a year of holidays without her, it is only one down in a lifetime's worth. Ugh that's a lot to swallow, better stick with one year at a time.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. My thoughts were with all of you who have lost someone you love (a child or whoever) missing someone around your table stings no matter what. Either way we all made it through the day.

6 comments:

  1. Whew. This post totally brought me to tears, especially your caption of last year's family photo. Hugs to you both. I'm glad you made it through...

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  2. I hope, next year, your thanksgiving dinner table is over-running with people (all of your grandparents and your new baby, too). xox

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  3. beautiful pictures. Beautiful belly in them. So glad you have such a supportive family and that Addi is a part of it always.

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  4. So sorry to hear about your Thanksgiving last year... hoping with all my heart that your Thanksgiving is full of joy again xoxo

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  5. So glad you had a good Thanksgiving and that your family is so willing to embrace Addi.

    Brian's "creeper mustache" is still cracking me up...not the mustache itself, just your comment! HA!

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  6. This post brought tears to my eyes. It really does give a certain perspective to see the pic of you with your grandparents, and of ALL the people you thought may not be there this year....your sweet Addi. Our losses are the epitome of life being "unfair".

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