Monday, November 7, 2011

Thoroughly Traumatized

I don't believe in keeping people in suspense after what we have been through so the end of this story is that the baby is STILL alive and its little heart was beating at 156bpm. So now that you know today's story has a "happy ending" let me tell you about this morning's events.

I had blogged before that we were hoping to go into the doctor's office on Friday to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. It wasn't a real appointment, but we were told that we could come in whenever we wanted to hear the baby so I called Thursday to set something up with the nurse. I was hoping not to have to take any more time off work so I asked for an appointment after I got off that day. Our nurse was concerned that on the "off chance" she couldn't find the heartbeat that there would be no one there to give us an ultrasound and she didn't want us to go an entire weekend not knowing if our baby was okay or not.

This made total sense to me and we decided Monday (today) before work would be the best. When I hung up with her I realized that Friday was the 4th and I was even more glad I didn't choose Friday...I can't hear that both of my children don't have heartbeats on the 4th day of the month.

I was worried all weekend and was also dealing with the 11 month mark with Addison. It wasn't a very fun weekend to say the least. Last night my stomach was in knots in anticipation of this morning's appointment. Brian and I had to driver separately since we were both headed straight to work after this (I hate not driving together, it is extra anxiety to me to make the trip alone). We got there at the same time and walked hand in hand up the stairs.

I checked us in and waited...and waited. After 15 minutes I asked the girl at the front desk if they had forgotten about us (the more I wait the more sick I feel). She said that our nurse had an appointment this morning and wasn't here yet, but they were working on finding a different nurse for us...a different nurse...that is not appealing, but at this point I was willing to take whatever we could get.

Finally we were called back and while the nurse was nice enough, she wasn't "our nurse" and she isn't invested in us like we know the other one is. She started with the goo and the doppler....heartbeat? It was me...always my heartbeat. At one point she said she heard the baby, but then she wasn't!?! She kept going "well I think that was it" "I'm pretty sure that was the baby" none of those responses were okay with me. After a while she said that she was pretty sure we had heard the baby and asked if that was good for hells no it isn't! She offered for another nurse to come in and give it a try, we said yes and she left and then I cried and cried.

Brian was great, always optimistic and trying to reassure me. The new nurse came in and Brian spoke up when I couldn't form words asking if we could just have an ultrasound already because a doppler wasn't going to be enough at this point. He reminded her that having multiple people come in my room to try and find our baby's heartbeat was not a good déjà vu. She agreed and said she would try and find an ultrasound for us.

When she came back she informed us that their one ultrasound tech was booked back to back today and only doctors can use the "rolling machine" and it was early enough that no doctors were in the office yet...are you freaking kidding me, wasn’t this the exact reason we made the appointment for this time?!?! She offered again to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler and I was able to nod that I wanted it. I tried to stop my crying and take deep breaths so she could really concentrate on finding the baby. I just kept repeating to myself over and over "this won't be as hard as losing Addison, nothing will ever be as hard as that" what a terrible thing to think and yet that is what was running through my mind.

From the beginning of this pregnancy I knew the awful truth that sometimes baby's just die and that this might not be our take home baby. Being prepared sucks, but I do feel more prepared this time around. The other thought in my head was why I didn't pack a bag for the hospital...I know that this is a stupid of me not to have that prepared already. I was able to calm that worry because I knew that whatever I needed my sister would be able to put together for me. So then I was back to thinking about how we would tell people and what today would go like. I knew I was covered at work and I was trying to envision what would come next.

When this nurse couldn't find the heartbeat either she left to see what she could find. She came back and offered that we could go "across the street" to the other location for the ultrasound. As much as I wanted one, the thought of driving even across the street was too much. I asked if the tech there could squeeze us in, I reminded her that she knew us and offered to do that if we ever needed. She went to ask and said there was already an emergency ultrasound performed that morning, but that she could get us back there in 15 minutes if we wanted to wait, yes we definitely wanted to wait.

Those were some LONG 15 minutes! While we were waiting our nurse was finally here and came to check on us and give me a hug. I was still crying and I could see the "mom" side of her kicking in to try and comfort me. Brian and I just stayed close and he let me cry all over him. He told me that we would hear the heartbeat and someday we would look back on this and laugh...I just said and it's possible they won't find it. We mostly sat there in silence just holding each other.

Then it was time and we were taken back. God bless our tech that wastes no time getting me on the table with her little magic wand. It was almost instant once she had it on me she said she SAW the heartbeat. No small talk, to waiting, I like her style. I was SO relived...and surprised.

She said this baby was moving all over the place and that may be why they were having such a hard time. She had no explanation for sure why we couldn't find it, but offered to let us hear it. We both said yes so fast! We only heard one maybe two beats because even she couldn't get the baby to stay still. She said the baby was at 156bpm and measuring 14 weeks 3 days (1 day behind, but that is okay).

We were so relieved, even though Brian kept his cool I could tell he was relived too. Leaving the office knowing this baby is still alive was a very good feeling and yet I was so wiped from that visit (which lasted almost exactly 1 hour), but felt WAY longer. So much for our "quick" 15 minute appointment.

I still feel drained. I am so emotionally exhausted. What a way to start a Monday.

I can't believe that at this point we still haven't really HEARD the baby's heartbeat...maybe it really does hate me. Or maybe since my heartbeat rises at every appointment this baby gets all crazy every time too. Either way it's not good. If I could control my worry I promise I would.

I am ready for today to be over. I need to go home and go to sleep for the next 5 months...wake me up when there is a living baby to hold. Is that a possibility? Please?!? I am thoroughly traumatized!

Our little trouble maker (14w 4d).


  1. OMG, Sweet Pea. I'm sitting here crying for you. I would *HATE* for you to have to deliver the same way I did at this stage. I'm so relieved everything is ok.

    Hugs...and see you Thursday night, hopefully!

  2. Oh Keleen I am so so sorry you had to go through all of that. I will tell you with my own doppler that it would take me a couple of minutes to find it and it is a lot more peaceful at home then it is at the doctor's office...I am like you in I want to know yes or no...none of this "I think" stuff. Ultrasounds are so much more reassuring. I really hope the next time you get in that it won't be such a process and your little one will cooperate. You only have a few weeks, but what seems like a lifetime until you get to get that reassurance from you LO's movements/kicks and I am all about fast forwarding until we are holding them in our arms.

    Hope you get some rest and I am so glad things turned out okay for you. Things WILL be different this time around...we just have to try and believe it!!!

  3. I hate the whole experience of heartbeat hearing with the doppler and ultrasounds. It drives me batty. It will be a bit easier once there is movement because that is a definitive way to tell it's alive!

    This is hard as hell. But I understand what you said about this not being as hard as losing Addi-- nothing can be. We're so jaded and yet, so honest. It's scary business! I thought about the hospital bag (etc.) before our anatomy scan. I figured I'd either be still pregnant or giving birth within days (hours?) of the scan. OMG, right? If there was no live baby or if there was a hugely fatal discovery...

    Our minds are our worst enemies. Thinking of you guys! This is HARD.

  4. I can totally understand all your fears and anxiety - ugh, I'm so sorry for all that - it's so hard. But so glad to hear that everything is ok! I had a very similar doppler freak out at 14 weeks, 5 days that resulted in an ultrasound AND we found out that Finn was a boy. . . so maybe you'll find out the gender next time?! :)

  5. If it helps (IF!), Emily did the same things to me. They always had trouble finding her with the doppler and I even had trouble at home sometimes. I sometimes felt like she was telling me to stop harrassing her and just have a little faith. Are you kidding me Emily?!!!! Hugs.

  6. So happy that this chapter has a happy ending...and confident that there will be only good chapters from here on out. Thanks, as always, for sharing with us!

  7. I'm so glad everything is okay and it just turns out your baby is a little trouble maker. ;) But yes, stressful moments for sure, and I'm so glad they could squeeze you in.

    Ps. I know what you mean about driving seperately. I like to go together so Scott can drive and I can collect my thoughts to and from.


  8. What a day... my heart was in my mouth for you the whole time i was reading your post. The waiting must have been so hard.. so relieved for you the you got an US and could see your little one's heartbeat for yourself. Love to you both xoxo

  9. Thank you for starting the post with good news because that was so upsetting! This baby is sure gonna be a kicker! ;)

  10. That fear is the worst....I'm so sorry you had to experience that. But I'm so glad your little one is doing well! Continuing to pray for you guys!!!