November has an odd feel. My original due date was November 30, 2010, I was so hoping Addi wasn't going to come in November...why you might ask because I didn't like the color her birthstone would be...so stupid. It's not like I had any real control of making her come on her own, but I was hoping for a December baby.
A year ago this month I was big and pregnant, not so big that I was "over it" just the right amount. I was excited for Thanksgiving and EVERYONE was telling me she would come on Thanksgiving Day, which we know she didn't, but now how I wish she would have. Just in case she was born in November I
The first birthday, I have spent each month fearing this and now we are so close. This last weekend I finally sat down and tried to put a few things together for her birthday with Brian. We ordered things like floating lanterns (sky and water ones), balloons, bracelets with her name and birthday on them and I looked at cakes. I know this won't be your typical first birthday party, but I know if we do nothing that would be worse for me.
I couldn't help myself...I had to look at REAL first birthday things and dream about the things I should be buying for my girl. Here are a few of my favorites.
Of course there was more, but I will spare you my shopping list of broken dreams.
I still don't know exactly how her day will go, but at least the daunting task of starting has been set in motion. We have two days, the day she died (the 4th and the day she was born the 5th). The 4th falls on a Sunday this year and the 5th on a Monday, Brian and I have both taken the 5th off work. I don't know how that day will go, but you can be sure I won't be at work to deal with it.
Perhaps the biggest or most important task to finish is her headstone. I know I have talked about it a million times before and yes, it STILL isn't finished. It hasn't been for lack on wanting...it's just that it terrifies me to complete it. My goal was to have it placed by her birthday and now I don't know it that will be possible. So now I have given myself a little "grace period" now the rule is that is MUST be ordered by her birthday (if it is finished and placed that would be best, but I refuse to add that to my stress level).
This one thing has weighed so heavily on my heart and mind, I swear some days it is ALL I think about. I have carried in my purse a replica of what I want it to look like for months. The paper is so worn and has been changed so many times. I just keep thinking the perfect thing is going to come to me and yet it never does...maybe there is no such thing as a perfect headstone. I just can't stand to give her anything less than perfect.
I suppose I am not normal when it comes to headstones. I am not about: Name, Date, Done. I want it to tell a story, her story however brief. I want people to see it to KNOW that this baby is loved and missed beyond measure. I want them to know she was perfect, I want them to know everything and yet a granite slab just can't portray everything I need.
We have changed the wording a million times and I just hope the last change is the right one. Brian and I were watching the news a few months ago and saw that they are starting to add QR codes to headstones. We decided that may be the closest thing we can get to what it is I am looking for. Brian made a small QR code that will link people to Addison's birth story web page. I may even update that particular link each year. Brian loves techy things so it makes sense that his little girl would have a techy headstone.
There is progress on her stone, but how I wish I was buying her the December birth stone and not a headstone for her first birthday. With her birthday coming and the task of completing her headstone my emotions are running high. Brian couldn't even talk to me about it the other day because I just couldn't do it without crying so instead I avoided him and conversation...this never works well. Maybe I will put what we have on here to get feedback from you guys...maybe I will make a new diagram first since the one in my purse is so beaten up.
Any ways we can pause November...December scares the crap out of me. I feel like the scrooge, bah humbug December.