Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's coming...

Whether I want to admit it or not December IS coming. I've done my best to avoid it, but with or without my permission it is going to come.

November has an odd feel. My original due date was November 30, 2010, I was so hoping Addi wasn't going to come in November...why you might ask because I didn't like the color her birthstone would be...so stupid. It's not like I had any real control of making her come on her own, but I was hoping for a December baby.

A year ago this month I was big and pregnant, not so big that I was "over it" just the right amount. I was excited for Thanksgiving and EVERYONE was telling me she would come on Thanksgiving Day, which we know she didn't, but now how I wish she would have. Just in case she was born in November I forbid asked Brian not to participate in Movember (where you grow a mustache in the month of November to promote prostate cancer awareness). I am all about prostate cancer awareness as my grandpa and Brian's dad are prostate cancer survivors, but I didn't want to chance him having a creeper mustache in our daughter's first pictures (yeah I think about things like that). This year he is able to participate and it makes me a little sad just wishing it was last year.

The first birthday, I have spent each month fearing this and now we are so close. This last weekend I finally sat down and tried to put a few things together for her birthday with Brian. We ordered things like floating lanterns (sky and water ones), balloons, bracelets with her name and birthday on them and I looked at cakes. I know this won't be your typical first birthday party, but I know if we do nothing that would be worse for me.

I couldn't help myself...I had to look at REAL first birthday things and dream about the things I should be buying for my girl. Here are a few of my favorites.

Of course there was more, but I will spare you my shopping list of broken dreams.

I still don't know exactly how her day will go, but at least the daunting task of starting has been set in motion. We have two days, the day she died (the 4th and the day she was born the 5th). The 4th falls on a Sunday this year and the 5th on a Monday, Brian and I have both taken the 5th off work. I don't know how that day will go, but you can be sure I won't be at work to deal with it.

Perhaps the biggest or most important task to finish is her headstone. I know I have talked about it a million times before and yes, it STILL isn't finished. It hasn't been for lack on wanting...it's just that it terrifies me to complete it. My goal was to have it placed by her birthday and now I don't know it that will be possible. So now I have given myself a little "grace period" now the rule is that is MUST be ordered by her birthday (if it is finished and placed that would be best, but I refuse to add that to my stress level).

This one thing has weighed so heavily on my heart and mind, I swear some days it is ALL I think about. I have carried in my purse a replica of what I want it to look like for months. The paper is so worn and has been changed so many times. I just keep thinking the perfect thing is going to come to me and yet it never does...maybe there is no such thing as a perfect headstone. I just can't stand to give her anything less than perfect.

I suppose I am not normal when it comes to headstones. I am not about: Name, Date, Done. I want it to tell a story, her story however brief. I want people to see it to KNOW that this baby is loved and missed beyond measure. I want them to know she was perfect, I want them to know everything and yet a granite slab just can't portray everything I need.

We have changed the wording a million times and I just hope the last change is the right one. Brian and I were watching the news a few months ago and saw that they are starting to add QR codes to headstones. We decided that may be the closest thing we can get to what it is I am looking for. Brian made a small QR code that will link people to Addison's birth story web page. I may even update that particular link each year. Brian loves techy things so it makes sense that his little girl would have a techy headstone.

There is progress on her stone, but how I wish I was buying her the December birth stone and not a headstone for her first birthday. With her birthday coming and the task of completing her headstone my emotions are running high. Brian couldn't even talk to me about it the other day because I just couldn't do it without crying so instead I avoided him and conversation...this never works well. Maybe I will put what we have on here to get feedback from you guys...maybe I will make a new diagram first since the one in my purse is so beaten up.

Any ways we can pause November...December scares the crap out of me. I feel like the scrooge, bah humbug December.

6 comments:

  1. I am sharing your feelings about December 4th and 5th...it is coming way too fast for me to wrap my brain around. Sending lots of love and peace as we see that one year mark get closer and closer.

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  2. I was an at old cemetery last weekend with my husband's family, and there was a baby's grave that had this verse on its gravestone: "Sleep, baby, sleep, while those who love you wail and weep."

    I don't think it's one I would have chosen, but it took my breath away because I know just how those parents must have felt when they selected a verse that would gesture toward the heartbreak and loss and immense love that they felt for their baby. It was so old the date was almost worn away -- 1860-something. But the emotions are just the same.

    I'm sorry Addie's been gone for almost a year. I know you love her so much.

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  3. Logan was due Jan. 1st and I remember wanting to get his birthday as far away from Christmas as possible...the little things that we cared about that are so insignificant.
    The gravestone is hard, but I think it is wonderful that you are taking your time and making it how you like.
    I feel the tension starting to pick up as well as December draws near. I love how you have started planning for her party. I mentioned this to my husband and he wanted no part of the conversation because i was getting upset....ugh men!!!

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  4. Thinking of you!
    On Addison's birthday, my Aidyn will be gone 3 months. I hate feeling so far away from him as the days pass. I can't even imagine the pain on his birth/passing day. I dread it. I already had a 1 year outfit for him that I got a really good deal on and it is super cute. It crushes my heart....why did I have to buy it? It's just one more thing to remind me of what could have been. Our hopes and dreams for him were taken from us so fast.
    Take care and hope November slows down for you.

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  5. I had no idea about the Movember thing - that's pretty funny, but great too. thanks for sharing, especially fitting since my dad just had his surgery.

    I loved the quote Brooke found - not that you'd necessarily use it, but so heartbreakingly sweet none-the-less.

    I wish you got to buy those cute bloomers this month and get ready for such a HAPPY day. Just. not. fair.

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  6. It took us awhile to order Kailee's headstone too. Looking back on it, I now know why. It was really the last thing we could do "for" our daughter--- if that makes any sense. Once the headstone was in, we felt peace, but there was also something so final about it that both Brent and myself found ourselves weeping at the cemetery that day. Take your time. There are very few things you "get to do" for Addi. Make sure it's right and make sure it's something you like.

    Carrie
    Kaileerose.weebly.com

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