Saturday, November 5, 2011

E-L-E-V-E-N Months

I thought ten sounded big last month, but eleven...I don't know if the shock of the months passing without Addison will ever stop.  Last night before we went to bed I turned to Brian and asked if he knew that it was the 4th? He didn't and I could tell he was surprised that he didn't (to his credit it was his day off and you don't really think about the date when you don't have to write it). We both lie there silently in the dark for a moment when Brian asked me what I was thinking (I still hate this question). I always return it back, he said he was reflecting on our time in the hospital and where we were 11 months ago.

It was just after 11pm and neither of us could remember exactly what was happening at that time on December 4th. We obviously know we were in the hospital, but was that the time my epidural was wearing off? Was that when I was starting to be in more physical pain? How long until the doctor told my family to go home because we were still a while away from delivery...I don't know. It's all so cloudy. Time has no real meaning to me in those days.

We eventually fell asleep, but that day was weighing heavily on our real difference I suppose...that day will forever weigh heavily on our minds.

Today I expected to be a bad one, but so far I feel okay. Each month is very different and for some reason today doesn't feel as heavy (not that it won't tomorrow or the next day or even the next 5 minutes, but as of right now I feel okay).

I miss my girl, my Addi and the things we should be doing, but today feels like one of those days where acceptance of our loss has taken over. I don't have to like it, but some days I do accept it (I said some not all).

Maybe because we spent last night going over her headstone as a family, maybe because her birthday is almost here, maybe it is just one of those days.

Today my plan is to figure out a few things we can suggest to friends and family to do to honor Addison's birthday. I have a few already on my list, but I want to research a couple options before I post them. I know not everyone will participate, but those who do will just be that much more special to us and those who don't are easily cut out won't.

Another 5th is here without you, another is that possible?!? If we could only go back to this time last year. Remembering last November and how happy I was to be pregnant with you, feeling so close to your arrival. I will never forget what a sweet gentle baby you were. Feeling your movements and rubbing your back (at least I am pretty sure it was your back), poking at your feet. I still can't get over how when we poked you, you never poked back. Such a good girl always so gentle to your mama. Our time together still is my "happy place" to go to. Remembering just how special it was and how happy you made me, how happy you made daddy and your family. Everyone reaching for my belly as I walked through the door just to get some time with you.

I haven't been able to read the journal I wrote you, but today I picked it up and relived some of our special time together. I even went through the computer to find how big we were at this time last year...I miss this so much.
36 weeks (11/2/10)

At this time last year, your room was complete, your clothes were washed and organized by size in your drawers (where they still are), your car seat was installed (I LOVED looking behind my seat and seeing it there), my hospital bag was packed, your diaper bag was packed, we had completed our child birth classes and the breastfeeding class. The only thing we were waiting on was the rocking chair to be delivered. We were ready in case you came early, we were ready, we still are ready, but you're still not home, at least not in the way we had planned.

This month we are trying to complete your headstone. I'm so sorry it isn't already done, but I just want it to be perfect for you. It's such an emotional project, but one I know I need. I need it for you, for our family to visit and for me.

Another month of missing you, another month of loving you. Those two things I promise will never change. We will always miss you, we will always love you. Crap, now I am crying and that whole acceptance thing for today is totally out the door...see I told you it could change in an instance. I love you my girl.


  1. What a sweet post reminiscing on your girl. I still have trouble looking at my "belly book" from my pregnancy with Addi. I worked on that thing every free minute during my pregnancy with her. It was my "project". I still crumble when I try to open it. The rush of all of those memories is just too much. But it was a happy time too, and that tends to help so that I can even try to look at it. Hugs to you during this tough upcoming month.

  2. :( for 11...i think it is a good thing that everything doesn't stop on these sad anniversary days like they did in the beginning. Thinking of you, your family and your sweet Addi.

  3. My heart goes out to you for Addi's 11 month angel-versary. Each milestone is so hard... and each memory so painful. Love to you and Addi always xoxo

  4. Thinking of You!

  5. Every month is so very hard. It's just as unfair as it was in the beginning. Thinking of you and your little Addi.....xoxo

  6. aw, what a great photo! I'm glad you had some peace today, and I like that you are thinking ahead about what to do for her birthday.

  7. I can't believe it has been that long since so many hearts were broken. I still look at her sweet footprint butterfly every morning and think of what a sweet angel she is. She will never be forgotten.

  8. This post brought tears to my eyes. Your words are words I say all the time. Thinking of you...