So the GOOD news is that this baby is still alive and has a beating heart...as of this morning anyway (I only believe things are okay when I can actually see with my own eyes). Everything looked good and our doctor was happy.
We weren't supposed to have an ultrasound today and at 13 weeks I fully expected to be able to HEAR the heartbeat. Our doctor was so sure he would find it that the ultrasound machine was not waiting for us like it was last time. He searched and he searched and he searched...this was feeling familiar in a way that I never ever want to have. He said my heart was getting so loud it's all he could hear...you think?!? I guess my heart rate started out at 100 (I am always nervous there) then when he couldn't find the baby's heartbeat mine shot up to 110. Thankfully he decided it was time to get the ultrasound machine.
Brian said he could see the tears welling up in my eyes and I can tell you I was only thinking one thing "here we go again". I wasn't moving or talking. I was just trying to breathe, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
The ultrasound machine went on and I saw our baby doing what looked like the "Caterpillar" dance. So all that worry for nothing. Our doctor showed us that beautiful beating heart and I think all three of us took a collective sigh of relief. I didn't get a picture or actually find out how many BPM because it all happened so fast, but the end of the story is that the baby is alive and well. As a side note as soon as I knew the baby was okay, my heart rate came down to 80...funny how that works.
Our doctor tried again with the doppler after he knew exactly where the heart was and still couldn't find it. He said the baby must be in the perfect position that makes it so he can't find it...awesome baby...thank you for that...I feel the love. So hopefully this baby will make things easier on us in the future, but I have a feeling this kid isn't done raising hell. I guess since Addi's pregnancy was so "easy" and "perfect" and then we had the outcome that we did so if this one is the farthest thing from "easy" and "perfect" and we get a living baby to bring home in the end, I will be okay with it.
I still can't believe I have no gray hairs...I bet they will be coming sooner rather than later. Week 13 and I have yet to HEAR my baby's heartbeat. Thank goodness in this case seeing is believing!
This pregnancy after loss business is tough work. Ugh.