Friday, October 28, 2011

This baby hates me...

So the GOOD news is that this baby is still alive and has a beating of this morning anyway (I only believe things are okay when I can actually see with my own eyes). Everything looked good and our doctor was happy.

We weren't supposed to have an ultrasound today and at 13 weeks I fully expected to be able to HEAR the heartbeat. Our doctor was so sure he would find it that the ultrasound machine was not waiting for us like it was last time. He searched and he searched and he searched...this was feeling familiar in a way that I never ever want to have. He said my heart was getting so loud it's all he could think?!? I guess my heart rate started out at 100 (I am always nervous there) then when he couldn't find the baby's heartbeat mine shot up to 110. Thankfully he decided it was time to get the ultrasound machine.

Brian said he could see the tears welling up in my eyes and I can tell you I was only thinking one thing "here we go again". I wasn't moving or talking. I was just trying to breathe, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

The ultrasound machine went on and I saw our baby doing what looked like the "Caterpillar" dance. So all that worry for nothing. Our doctor showed us that beautiful beating heart and I think all three of us took a collective sigh of relief. I didn't get a picture or actually find out how many BPM because it all happened so fast, but the end of the story is that the baby is alive and well. As a side note as soon as I knew the baby was okay, my heart rate came down to 80...funny how that works.

Our doctor tried again with the doppler after he knew exactly where the heart was and still couldn't find it. He said the baby must be in the perfect position that makes it so he can't find it...awesome baby...thank you for that...I feel the love. So hopefully this baby will make things easier on us in the future, but I have a feeling this kid isn't done raising hell. I guess since Addi's pregnancy was so "easy" and "perfect" and then we had the outcome that we did so if this one is the farthest thing from "easy" and "perfect" and we get a living baby to bring home in the end, I will be okay with it.

I still can't believe I have no gray hairs...I bet they will be coming sooner rather than later. Week 13 and I have yet to HEAR my baby's heartbeat. Thank goodness in this case seeing is believing!

This pregnancy after loss business is tough work. Ugh.


  1. Glad baby is alive but for goodness sakes...

    I also had an OB appt. today but I was literally feeling the little critter move as she had her doppler out looking for the hb, so I wasn't concerned-- even though it took her about a minute to find it! That's forever in our lives, IMO.

    I agree with thinking that these pregnancies will be hell but will result in babies. So far, back pain, doppler craziness, subchrorionic hematoma and it continues. Addi and Andrew were easy as pie until the very end when all went array. Also, I've almost gained as much weight with this baby as I did for my entire gestation with Andrew! Eeeek! I'm a nervous eater and need to start eating carrot sticks instead of cheetos. ;)

  2. YAY!!!! So glad everything went well despite your brief moment of panic. Unfortunately I still have those every time I set foot into my doctor' agree pregnancy after loss is tough!!!

  3. Glad to hear baby is doing well. :)

    It's funny to read that you think this baby hates you, I say this exact thing to Scott on a daily basis as I wretch over the toilet.

  4. Pregnancy after loss is no joke indeed. I had a scare like that at 14 weeks and some change. The doctor couldn't find it right away on the doppler so of course I started crying - I was glad they used the ultrasound machine so much at my appointments. Let's not even mess with that doppler - I wanted to cut straight to the chase - where's the heart, is it beating? Let's not tap dance around it!

    Glad the baby is doing well - I hope you continue to hang in there as best as possible!

  5. Oh my goodness that fear is the worst! I am so glad baby is doing good!

    I'm always the same way. I go in for appointments and I know I feel him moving but that moment before I see his heart beating on the screen or hear it on the doppler always makes me hold my breath. Once I see/hear that then I can listen to anything else they want to tell me :)

    I hope you get to hear the baby soon! Keeping you in my prayers!!!

  6. Emily use to do that crap to me too! My pregnancy with Addi was totally smooth (except for my hips relaxing too soon and needing a little physical therapy) and during my pregnancy with Emily I had a stroke, had to take Lovenox shots twice a day to prevent another one AND she was harder to hear with my doppler, I had a UTI that started contractions at 34 weeks! I said the same thing when I was pregnant with Emily, I told a friend that my pregnancy with Addi was perfect and she died. And this baby was already causing so much trouble that I was SURE it would be fine. Hang on mama! I know it's a rough ride but it's worth it!

  7. Geez! I'm so sorry for your scare, hon. Is it possible your baby has an anterior placenta, and maybe that's making it hard to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler?

  8. I can just imagine your racing heartbeat and that horrible sinking feeling. I hope that's the last big scare this baby gives you!

  9. Oh no. I'm sorry little one gave you a scare. I vividly remember my OB (who was brilliant, so I'll forgive him) saying after a good 14 week US, "so, you'll be relieved are you?". Erm - no. I hold my breath at every single appointment and 14 weeks means nothing when my last baby died at 40. So, I relate to the high mama heartrate. I never heard any of my babies' heartbeats until 16 weeks at the earliest. I felt Emma and Toby before they were ever found on the doppler! So, hopefully your little one (who most certainly loves his/her mama) will start sharing that beautiful thump, thump very soon.

  10. Those minutes must have been so hard... I wish that our innocence and marvel at being pregnant wasn't so tainted by our loss. I feel almost programmed to be anxious about everything TTC and pregnancy related now... that must have been such a scare for you. Hoping that you can hear their little heart soon. Love always xoxo