Monday, October 31, 2011

Some people...

Warning...the following is a's one of those days.

There is always something isn't there....

Some people just know how to make an already tough situation a million times worse and the amazing part is that they do it without trying and without thinking how their actions directly affect us.

Brian told his co-workers about our pregnancy for several reasons, but one was because it's a fairly small office and he knew word would spread quickly. He told them, but he also made sure they knew our news was still a secret, but most importantly that is was OUR news and not theirs to share.

We really don't live in that small of a town, but when you have lived here your whole life it's amazing to find that those 6 degrees of separation are really true.

Yes, I openly blog about this second pregnancy, but you won't find it on Facebook and you won't find my family openly talking about it. They have been sworn to secrecy as I don't want everyone to know yet. My mom and sister work in the same agency and have so many people they want to tell, people that are invested and truly care about us, but they haven't because they know this news will spread like wild fire. I was really hoping we could keep this pregnancy under wraps until AFTER Addison's birthday. The last thing I need is to feel like no one cares about her birthday because since we are pregnant again we must be healed (please note sarcasm).

Anyways back to my issue. One of Brian's co-workers "let it slip" to her family member (who I don't know and has no business knowing my business). She just so happens to work in my mom and sister's building...small world. So she comes up to my mom and loudly congratulates her on the new baby coming. My mom without missing a beat says "our baby died" (okay here is my dark humor kicking in because that totally cracks me up...way to go mom THAT for sure will shut her up). The lady gets all apologetic and swears she heard the news from a reliable source. So my mom walks her out of the office away from everyone else and tells her that yes, I am pregnant, but we aren't telling people and would appreciate her keeping it to herself.

When my mom tells me this I immediately see red and call Brian to let him know he better have a talk with his co-worker. My mom and sister were upset for multiple reasons, but one being that the people they actually want to tell can't know yet and some random chick knows and is telling God knows who else.

When Brian asked his co-worker she was very apologetic and said it just came up. That the lady was saying how sad she was for us (even though I don't know her...thanks lady) and the co-worker's daughter was actually the one to say "oh, but they are pregnant again". Here is my second and even bigger issue. Since we are pregnant again that automatically “takes away the sad and we are healed again”...which "ironically" makes me more sad and more hurt than I was before as if I didn't have enough.

Ugh. She told Brian she hadn't told anyone else and then we hear of someone else she told that my dad knows...are you F-ing kidding me?!?! If it's not your news then shut your trap. Brian told me about this the morning and I have been seething my whole way into work. She told him that the people "were bleeding" for us and so she told them. Why so they would feel better? So they wouldn't be so sad? BECAUSE WE ARE STILL BLEEDING NEW PREGNANCY OR NO NEW PREGNANCY OUR DAUGHTER IS STILL DEAD.

It's not even really her, well it is, but it isn't. It's the mindset of the people who don't get it that believe that a new baby is the key to starting over, getting a "fresh start" and putting the past behind us. Well news flash hunny, I'm still as broken as I've ever been, I’m still mourning my daughter like you wouldn't believe and the chance at bringing home a baby (while wonderful) is also a painful reminder of the things we will NEVER EVER get to do with Addison.

So yes, I am expecting "another" baby, but this baby is not Addison and Addison is not this baby. The two are not interchangeable and I would like to know one parent who would be willing to swap out one child for another...anyone?!?! Yeah, I didn't think so.

Okay, I think I can breathe a little better now…thank you for listening. If I didn’t have this place I think I would live in a room with white padded walls.


  1. Ugh. People just really suck. I'm sorry you had to experience that. We had something similar happen with Paul's mom telling her cousins news of our first pregnancy after we had sworn everyone in his family to secrecy. Somehow SHE felt exempt and entitled to tell her cousins because they're family. She's the same cousin who tried to throw me a surprise shower - at 11 weeks! SO inappropriate. I had to see that cousin this weekend at a funeral and didn't say one word to her...but really, that's all my MIL's fault.

    What is it with people feeling entitled to say things after they've been sworn to secrecy??

  2. I only told my parents and siblings, a few very close friends and online friends, and that was it until 17 wks when it was super obvious and Thanksgiving (its true that you show sooner- by 17 wks I was bigger than at 23 wks with Olivia.) I wanted to put off the annoying comments for as long as possible, mainly. Because you will get annoying and hurtful comments your entire pregnancy if its anything like my experience.

  3. Yeh, she totally doesn't get it. and I hate that she would run around telling people.

    I very firmly believe that if you aren't the one who suffered the loss, you aren't one to share the joy. Of course not everyone thinks like this, and I hate that people think this will fix things.

  4. I hate people that love to share other peoples news, especially after you specifically tell them to keep there mouths shut.
    Kudos to your mom for responding the way she did to that lady though. Hopefully others won't share your news anymore till your ready to yourself.

  5. aw. not cool. I'm so sorry, hun.

  6. Urgh - I totally get your pain. We told very few people about our rainbow baby - my DH told hid work colleagues at 32 weeks! (We didn't even tell our living children until 20 weeks). And I knew his birthday right from the first trimester (a planned section at 38 weeks) but didn't want ANYONE outside of family to know. I got a card the day before my section from a friend wishing me luck for the following day - it was meant well (and the family member who let slip was mortified at her mistake) but I lost it. I was sobbing hysterically down the phone to my dad about how much pressure I felt now someone knew. Phew - my own rant there, sorry. Your post really stirred stuff up for me and I'm angry on your behalf.

  7. People can be so insensitive... and it always amazes me how others truly believe that a new pregnancy will replace the child we've lost. Hopefully your news won't spread any further. Addison will always be remembered here with us for all the years to come... and others around you will see how important she is and remember her too. Love to you and Addison always xoxo

  8. Oh, I totally understand why you are angry. And I know that people want to soften the pain of a loss with announcing the joy of a new pregnancy. The problem is that it doesn't work that way. Of course you guys are hopeful and excited about your pregnancy, but that does nothing to assuage the grief and sadness you feel about Addison. I'm sorry that word is spreading so quickly.

  9. Reading this got me SO upset - heart rate up and blood pressure rising. People like that are one of the biggest reasons we are trying to keep our pregnancy under wraps, too. At least until after Elizabeth's birthday. Oh, so similar. I'm so sorry. Have you plotted any good revenge scenarios yet?

  10. Oh how frustrating. Good for you for letting it out and venting. Gosh it makes me mad too, and I'm just reading about it! I can only imagine your fury.
    At least she has to live with the guilt of knowing how upset and angry she made you. And hopefully she feels plenty guilty!

  11. THEY'LL never get it. Never.

    I had people asking me at like 12 weeks if I was pregnant and I was shocked. Why would you ask me that? What kind of reaction are you hoping to achieve? I'll always have sadness for Andrew, no matter if I have 10 more little babes. It just doesn't work that way. You can't replace people. Fools.

    You should ask her if she has any dead relatives and if when they died... she was able to replace them with another relative just the same. Haha.