Monday, October 17, 2011

FRAGILE HANDLE WITH CARE

That's how I feel today...fragile and needing to be handled with care. I am on the brink of tears and I have no reason other than my baby died and I am still sad about it. I wonder how many times I will say "I just miss her" in my life...it's already been so many and yet I know that sentence will be uttered a gazillion more times throughout my lifetime.

Some days I am prepared to be asked questions, I am prepared to talk about my girl in whatever situation comes up. I find that IF I can help it, it is best to share her with other WITHOUT crying. If I am able not to cry, it makes it less scary for people to ask and maybe just maybe they will ask again. Because I need them to ask again so I try my best to put on a brave face and let them know it is okay to talk about her.

I know that tears are not a bad thing, I know that they are just a release of something that is already there. I know that they are important, but not everyone knows that. Our society is so scared of "upsetting" us or "making us cry" when really I wish they knew that they weren't upsetting me or making me cry, just allowing me to release that emotion because it is already right there at the surface waiting to explode.

Today is one of those days, where it just needs to explode. Where I hope no client/stranger etc. asks me any questions regarding my children, necklace etc. Because I can't do it today. Maybe after I hit publish on this post I won't feel like this anymore...something about throwing all my feelings up in this space is one of the greatest releases I have found...just maybe my day will be easier after this post and that is my true hope.

I hate feeling like this and yet I am so in love with my daughter that if this is the ONLY way I get to love her, I will embrace it. Even after 10+ months of grieving I still would not erase her from my story.

Before work I ran to the grocery store to grab a few things, I NEVER go to Fred Meyer, but of course today I did. I parked next to the exit where you have to walk by the baby clothes....clearly I wasn't thinking. The onesie they have on the aisle as you walk by says "SISTER" and is bright pink...it would have been perfect for Addi. I think that was where today started to go downhill.

As I was desperately trying to hold it together at work I get this text from my sister "I had a dream last night that we were all at the lake and Addi was like 2 1/2 and playing in the water with you, Brian was throwing the Frisbee with Alex. I walked out of the house, Addi saw me and was so excited that she ran out of the water and gave me the biggest hug. She was so beautiful and I woke up so happy. And now I have been crying all day".

Of course that text was all I needed to have all my tears released. I hate that I am a blubbery mess, but I am still so glad she shared that with me...and a little jealous too. I wish that could have been my dream. A two and a half year old Addi, I can't even imagine.

It's days like today I wish I didn't have to work, that I had the luxury of going home, putting on my yoga pants and curling up on the couch in front of the fire and crying until the tears dried up. Instead I will put on my big girl pants, force a fake smile and make it through the day because well...that's what I do. It's not strength or grace or any of that nice sounding shit, it's just plain survival.

5 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today...I also hate that i have never had a dream about Logan. I have already had dreams about this little guy, some are more like nightmares of things gone wrong, but none of Logan. I hate that!!!!

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  2. Sometimes plain survival is what it is all about. I am sorry that Addi is not with you - I am sorry for that perfect little onesie. I am sorry.

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  3. I am right with you. Today is 6 weeks since our Aidyn passed. I feel like a mess inside, but have to hold it in until my shift is up. All I want to do is be home. Thinking of you.

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  4. Hugs, Sweetie. You're braver/stronger than I am...I DID go home (I only lasted about 20 minutes at work, not sure why I even went). Your sister's dream sounds magical. I wish we could all have dreams of our babies like that.

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  5. I've found that even at almost 16 months post loss I still occasionally have those days - where I'm just on edge and feel very fragile. But as hard as it is, I worry about if I don't have those days anymore.

    That was a sweet text your sister shared with you. While those things always make me cry, I'm so grateful to have read/heard them. I love when people love on my baby.

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