Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fear in the eyes of a 13 year old boy

Friday Brian and I did something I have been fearing. Let me rewind a little. I have two people in my life who mean the world to me. Two children who I have known all their lives and love as if they were my own. I have spent much of my life babysitting and loving these two. I call them my rent-a-children because I would do anything for them and have them so often.

A is 13. He was a difficult child, but has turned out to be pretty amazing. He has taught me patience in ways I didn't know were possible. As he has grown I expected he would "grow out" of loving me maybe even be embarrassed by me, but that isn't the case at all. He is smart, funny and still gets excited to see me every time I come over.

He was so excited for Addison. SO SO excited, but not as excited as his little sister...or so I thought. L is 8 and everything girl. From the moment I knew her mom was pregnant with her I knew she was a girl and I knew I was in love with her. She makes me smile no matter what. She is just the sweetest, kindest, girliest girl and I can't get enough of her.

The two of them gave me the best practice for the job I always wanted...the mom job. They were ready for Addi and getting to help out with her. L had never gotten to hold a baby before and the two of them fought about who would hold Addi first.

When we lost Addi I knew we had to tell them, luckily their mom told them so we didn't have to. I will never forget being at Addison's service and looking over to see the two of them bawling uncontrollably. it broke me in a whole new way. To know I was (in a way) responsible for their sadness...I still haven't gotten over the fact that this situation was the hardest thing these two have ever been through.

I have been dreading telling them we are pregnant again because well I can't stand the thought of something else bad happening and being responsible for more of their pain, but at the same time I hate that strangers know and yet these two important people are left out of the loop.

We told them Friday and they were both so excited...and then A's look of immediate excitement went from ecstatic to terrified. I saw his eyes change from sparkly to terror in less than 30 seconds because...he gets it. He gets that this isn't guaranteed. He is worried for him and he is worried for us and I am responsible for that. He is 13 and he gets it...I hate that he gets it.

So as if I didn't already have a million reasons for needing this baby to live, I am adding 2 more to the list. Come on little one, please don't die, we all need you.

This picture was taken several years ago, but it's my favorite of the 3 of us :)


  1. It's so hard to see that fear in a child's eyes. They shouldn't have to know about these kinds of things. We were the ones to tell my stepdaughter after we lost Aiden and I couldn't even make it through the whole conversation. It was horrible.

    Praying for your family and that precious little one growing inside you ♥

  2. "Come on little one, please don't die, we all need you." Wow. Who would have ever thought we would even think like this? Here's hoping and praying and wishing that those kids get to hold Addi's sibling as soon as he or she is born!

  3. Lily was only 16 months old when Chloe died, so she really didn't "understand" that I was pregnant and that we were adding another person to our family. She understood something was wrong after Chloe died, but I almost feel blessed that she was too young at the time to truly understand what happened to our family. Lily will now be almost 3 when Emma is born and she totally understands and is beyond excited to meet her baby sister. But this time around, I am terrified that this baby is going to die to and I am going to have to try and explain to her why her baby sister isn't coming home like we talked about.

  4. I so know this feeling. I have so many nieces and nephews and it really was hard to feel responsible for them losing some of that innocence. I wish I didn't have to be the one to show them that bad things really do happen for no reason.

  5. It is so hard to include children in this mess...you know I waited 17 weeks before i told my kids and even now I see them getting excited about their brother and that terrifies me. We just have to believe and be positive that things will work out this time. We WILL be introducing the children in our lives to our LIVING HEALTHY babies in 2012 :)