A is 13. He was a difficult child, but has turned out to be pretty amazing. He has taught me patience in ways I didn't know were possible. As he has grown I expected he would "grow out" of loving me maybe even be embarrassed by me, but that isn't the case at all. He is smart, funny and still gets excited to see me every time I come over.
He was so excited for Addison. SO SO excited, but not as excited as his little sister...or so I thought. L is 8 and everything girl. From the moment I knew her mom was pregnant with her I knew she was a girl and I knew I was in love with her. She makes me smile no matter what. She is just the sweetest, kindest, girliest girl and I can't get enough of her.
The two of them gave me the best practice for the job I always wanted...the mom job. They were ready for Addi and getting to help out with her. L had never gotten to hold a baby before and the two of them fought about who would hold Addi first.
When we lost Addi I knew we had to tell them, luckily their mom told them so we didn't have to. I will never forget being at Addison's service and looking over to see the two of them bawling uncontrollably. it broke me in a whole new way. To know I was (in a way) responsible for their sadness...I still haven't gotten over the fact that this situation was the hardest thing these two have ever been through.
I have been dreading telling them we are pregnant again because well I can't stand the thought of something else bad happening and being responsible for more of their pain, but at the same time I hate that strangers know and yet these two important people are left out of the loop.
We told them Friday and they were both so excited...and then A's look of immediate excitement went from ecstatic to terrified. I saw his eyes change from sparkly to terror in less than 30 seconds because...he gets it. He gets that this isn't guaranteed. He is worried for him and he is worried for us and I am responsible for that. He is 13 and he gets it...I hate that he gets it.
So as if I didn't already have a million reasons for needing this baby to live, I am adding 2 more to the list. Come on little one, please don't die, we all need you.
|This picture was taken several years ago, but it's my favorite of the 3 of us :)|