|9/29/11- 9 weeks 1 day|
I got there first and the nurse brought me back. She said they had no problem waiting for Brian before they started. She took my blood pressure and I told her again that it was probably best to take it after the appointment. I was right, it was super high again. She said she would put it in my chart that from now on they take it after the appointment is over. By the time I had been weighed Brian was there. Thank goodness, but I knew he would be.
Our doctor is so great and didn't make us wait at all. He started out asking what questions I had (I had a million) he patiently answered all of them. My biggest concern was the doppler. I told him that I had read that 9 weeks was too early to find the heartbeat with the doppler and that it might be better to not look for it today and wait for a little longer. He said that I WOULD NOT be leaving without knowing this baby was alive...it's possible I love him as much as Brian haha. He said the rolling ultrasound machine was waiting in the hallway just in case!
He started with the doppler and was talking with Brian the whole time he was searching (well I guess he was talking to both of us, but I was quietly trying to listen and those two wouldn't shut up). I know he was doing it to distract me, but you can't distract a mom listening to make sure her baby is alive. For a second I thought I heard it, but then he said that my my heartbeat...that felt familiar :( He acted like it was no big deal and wheeled in the ultrasound machine. He found the baby AND the heartbeat right away *insert sigh of relief*. I didn't cry this time...I don't know why, I think I just had too many thoughts going in my head. I was really REALLY relieved. The heartbeat was 160bpm.
Our doctor went on to say that he had no reason to believe anything would go wrong for us. He said all this extra testing, monitoring, extra time etc. was just to calm my fears. I appreciate that he thinks things will "work out" for us this time, but I am well aware all this extra stuff is being done for my own sanity. I accept that. I need it and I will take it. I know that even with all these extras we could still have something go wrong, but any little anything is important at this point. I am glad he is so optimistic, but lets be honest, there was no reason to think things wouldn't "work out" with Addison. I've said it before and I will say it again, I may be crazy this time around, but I have earned it and I own my crazy. I am glad our doctor will indulge me either way!
I was a little bummed that we didn't get to hear the heartbeat again, but seeing is believing and I have no complaints. We got our little picture and were sent on our way. For that moment I felt relief that things were okay. I wish I could walk around with a monitor on me 24/7! Our next appointment is in 2 weeks so now we wait and I continue wishing and hoping and worrying...and grieving. God, I miss my little girl.
We also had the "financial" appointment afterwards and it's always fun to have a "baby payment" NOT. Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it, but dang even with insurance we now have another "car type" payment each month not including the hospital bill that will come later...didn't we already do this...oh yeah we did and we still had no baby to take home :( This baby business is no joke! Shouldn't we get a discount or something ;) I'm just sayin'!
So as of yesterday I still had a living baby with a heartbeat in my belly. Any day I can know that is a good day. I woke up nice and nauseous this morning so please oh please little one hang in there for us!