Thursday, October 20, 2011

12 Weeks

12 Weeks
How Far Along: 12 weeks (our baby is as big as a Plum)
Maternity Clothes: Yesterday I put up on button up blouse and it was feeling rather tight in the tummy region. Also about half way through the day my stomach was feeling crampy when I realized my pants may be too tight. I guess 12 weeks is when the maternity pants make their appearance. There is no going back from here! I still try and minimize any bump sightings as much as possible. Today I am nice and comfy in my full panel work pants :)
Movement: I think sometimes I make movement up in my head. I know the baby is moving, but I know I haven't actually felt it.
Sleep: I am sleeping through the night, but I wake up just exhausted. No matter what time I try and go to bed I usually can't fall asleep until 10 or later, but come morning time dragging myself out of bed is a job of it's own.
Gender:  Still feel like it's a boy, but I am still holding out some pink hope.
Symptoms: Morning sickness is easing up. I had my first leg cramp one night this week and just feeling extra tired.
Cravings: Grape flavored's like I am a 5 year old.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Our ultrasound and seeing a baby that was not only alive, but looked like a baby and was dancing all over the place.
Freak-out of the week: Yesterday afternoon I was experiencing some pretty strong cramping that lasted for about 4 hours. I was constantly checking for spotting (there was none), but I was really starting to freak myself out. The old me knew it was just my uterus expanding, but the new me thought it was the start of a me sucks. I called my doctor's nurse and got her voicemail. I called back again and talked to the on call nurse who confirmed it was just my uterus. Even though that's what I thought it was, once I heard HER say it to me I started to calm down and relax a little. The rest of the night was okay after that, but I did take it easy. Brian even made dinner aka ordered Chinese :)
What I miss: old me
What I am looking forward to:  Next week is our OB appointment. No ultrasound, but we will hopefully hear the heartbeat for the first time. We have seen it 3x, but still haven't HEARD it.
Next Appointment: Friday, October 28, 2011.

Something Else: I had this book I bought when I was pregnant with Addison. It was called "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" I read it each week to find out everything going on with our little girl. This time I haven't even gotten it out. I get the weekly email reminders of what is happening, but that's it. Before I got pregnant I bought "Pregnancy After a Loss" and I haven't read anymore since I actually got pregnant. I still feel like I am in denial about this whole I better not get excited, because once I do BAM no more baby. I know that isn't actually the case (well sort of), but dang.

It's odd to be wearing maternity pants this is really happening. Even though making it through the first 12 weeks with Addi was no sweat I really didn't think we would with this one. I guess I was hoping if something was going to go wrong this time it would happen before now. I know no matter what a loss would be beyond difficult, but the closer we get the more I realize that if something goes wrong we could be burying another's hard to put into words all of the emotions going on.

I was asked if I am excited and honestly the answer is no. I am still way to scared for excitement. I did have one moment of excitement after seeing this baby moving on the ultrasound, but now I am back to being scared again.

Our doctor said we could come in any time we want just to hear the baby's heartbeat. Since our last appointment was a week ago tomorrow and our next one isn't for one more week it makes sense for us to go in tomorrow (right smack in the middle). I told Brian I couldn't decide if we should do it or not. I feel like the first time we HEAR it should be with our doctor and since this isn't a real appointment, it wouldn't be with him. I am really struggling with that. That probably makes no sense, but it's something I am struggling with. Brian has left the choice up to me so we will see how tomorrow goes and if I cave or not.


  1. Wow, we're not even pregnant again yet but I can totally relate to the fear and the not wanting to get excited. We had just allowed ourselves to become excited five days before our loss. We had felt "safe" enough to tell everyone about our pregnancy just a week and a half before our loss. The loss itself felt very much like a punishment. (And actually, given Aliya's placental abruption at 7 weeks 3 days happened about 15 hours after telling Paul's family about our pregnancy, even THAT felt like punishment.) I don't think there will ever be a point at which I feel comfortable enough to get excited next time.

    Also, as infertility patients, we get to hear the heartbeat between 6-7 weeks...which is both a blessing and a curse. I'm with you...I miss the old me, too. :(


  2. Congrats on hitting 12...keep cooking mama and just go with what you think will keep you sane.

    THinking of you!!!

  3. Yay for 12 weeks! I know what u mean about the pants. I bought jeans yesterday but feel weird wearing them. Today I have my old jeans on with a hair tie around the button, and they are unzipped. LOL. I guess I should go ahead with the maternity jeans, huh?

  4. I don't think I ever felt excited during my rainbow pregnancy. Don't get me wrong - I loved my baby from the moment the second line showed up and I decided I was going to feel as much joy in the process as possible - that he deserved that and I surely did too but, you're right - the excited anticipation wasn't there.

    But 12 weeks - whoop. Go, little plum (and good luck making the decision about hearing the HB - tough call.)

  5. Congrats on hitting the 12 week mark! I can't even imagine the roller coaster ride your on. I know and hope to be there soon hopes to bring home a living baby. We will never be the same. I too, miss my old self. God bless. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  6. I know it's hard to get excited, but 12 weeks is still such a great milestone to make it to/past and congrats on getting to that point. Of course us BLM's know there's no "in the clear" but still happy to see those weeks progressing on your blog! My two cents, that mean nothing, I say cave and go hear that baby. Of course I know how great it is to have a doc you care about and who cares about you, but the most important thing is that you and Brian are together to share that special moment. But I'm totally impatient and suck at waiting. :)

  7. I hear ya on the part where you mentioned that the further you progress, the more scary it becomes. I am ONE week until it would be considered another stillbirth. Holy crap. Either I have another baby and this time it lives, or I have 2 stillbirths and a miscarriage.

    That is how I think. Yeah, it's super positive and uplifting.

    Very proud of our babies no matter how long they live and we'll love them to the end of time. Keep thinking... you have no control but to love this child. That is your job. I have very little wisdom these days, but I do know that love HAS to carry me.

  8. Sorry that I've been so long in commenting... finally catching up today :) I know what you mean about the 'new me' worrying about any pregnancy sym from a different perspective... great that you can go in for a HB check whenever you want... I hope that we can do that when I finally get pregnant :) Love to you and bub xoxo