Thursday, October 13, 2011

11 weeks and lots of crying

What a week this has been. As far as I know the baby end of things is okay, but really what the hell do I know. We will find out how things are tomorrow, which has a lot to do with my stress level because the closer we get to a ultrasound appointment the higher my blood pressure gets! Some get to be excited to see their baby, while I remain terrified that this could be the day I find out another baby has died inside of me. 

Just when I thought something non-baby related, but good could happen to us, we get just close enough to taste it and then have it be a no-go. I am beyond disappointed. I wish I could talk more about it, but I can't, not on here. Let's just say we had a shot at things being easier, but of course just like the rest of our lives we will take the harder path. I am so sick of getting so close to what we want just to have things not work out in the end.

Last night I was a mess. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in a funk. I was in a rush to get out the door and forgot my Addi necklace. This is only the second time I have ever forgotten it and it sent me into overload. I also went through a yellow light while I was thinking about this and saw a cops lights come on. I didn't get pulled over, but you know the feeling when you think you will be? Well let's just say my heart can't take much more!

I made it to work and my co-workers seemed to be in an extra good mood, they came in smiling and laughing and then saw in my face that this was not a good day. They asked what was wrong and I immediately started crying (why do people ask what's wrong when it's obvious you are upset). They were telling me how I need to find joy in this pregnancy and that this stress isn't good for the baby...gee I wish I had thought of that. For the record hearing that I need to stress less because it is bad for the baby only makes me stress more.

Finally I was left alone to pull myself together and finish out the day. I have only ever cried at work 4 times in the last 9 months so really I am still pretty proud of myself for keeping my shit together. My car, house, bedroom etc., well those places are a different story.

Because there wasn't enough going on this week my poor grandpa who is 82 was admitted to the hospital with stomach pain. He is my mom's dad and in frail health. I call him Bopa (sounds like papa, but with a B, I also spelled it like this when I started to write and the spelling stuck even though my sister swears it should be Boppa...whatever, I made up this name for him it as a baby and it made up name, my made up spelling). He wound up needing surgery because at 82 another surgery sounds like a great idea...not. Thankfully it went great and he may get to come home today.

Well as if him being in the hospital wasn't stressful enough when I went to visit him I saw a family coming out of there with a new bundle of joy...the pink variety...ugh. Oh yeah this is the same hospital Addi was born at and DID NOT COME HOME FROM. I tried to shrug it off, but then comes the grandma of the pink bundle AND I know her FML. She stops me and starts going on about how I just missed her daughter. I managed to say how great for her, but that was all. I think she could tell I was uncomfortable. I didn't ask name, weight, etc. and thankfully she didn't offer it up. I really didn't want to know.

I also went to the chiropractor twice this week, which is a ton for me. I haven't been since before I got pregnant and that was just to make sure I was all aligned before ttc. Twice in one week is unheard of. I had a spot so painful it was making it hard to breathe. Apparently I have been carrying around some don't say?!? Luckily my chiropractor is magic and I already (physically) feel much better.

I have to say the further we get in this pregnancy the scarier things get. I stand by the statement that I don't feel ready to be pregnant, but I feel as ready today as I will ever feel. There will never be a point where this becomes "easy" or "old normal".

I still try not to think much about this baby (as far as long term) I am living in the present and in the past (damn I miss my girl), but not in the future. The future and me have no relationship what so ever. I just can't allow myself to hope too big, I just can't.

A client asked me today if I had any kids (in reference to Halloween) his English isn't good and I didn't want to go through the whole thing so I just answered with "non that will be participating in Halloween" I should have said "non that will be dressing up", but whatever comes out at the moment is what I have to stick with. He looked at me strange (probably thought I don't celebrate it), but I quickly started asking about his kids/plans and he didn't put another thought into my answer.

If only I could have told him all about how this would be my daughter's first Halloween, but it's not.

Since this month is Pregnancy/Infant Loss awareness I started posting a some facts/links on my Facebook (which I NEVER do). I keep my sad baby loss world here because I know FB is for happy people who generally don't want to hear about it, but this week I am informing them and if they want to delete me then I hope they do because I obviously don't need them if they feel that way.

Tonight we have a support group meeting and it couldn't come at a better time...I need it!

11 Weeks
How Far Along: 11 weeks (our baby is as big as a lime)
Maternity Clothes: I pulled them out of the room I never go into. Now they are sitting in a pile on my floor waiting to be gone through and re-washed. I make no promises to when this happens.
Movement: yeah right
Sleep: Slept through the night this week...that's a big deal although poor Brian was awake from 2:45 am on this morning so maybe he has taken over that symptom for me.
Gender:  9 more weeks till we can find out
Symptoms: Morning sickness is actually worse in the morning...what a concept. I have to start out my day by eating right away and then crackers till lunch. I really feel lucky that i am not as sick as I could be.
Cravings: Sent Brian out on a craving inspired grocery trip. All bad for me things. Peach pineapple salsa, Pillsbury crescent rolls and chocolate milk...I swear I eat my fruit and veggies too :)
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  We celebrated my mom's parent's 54th wedding anniversary and my dad's parents' 60th wedding anniversary. That's pretty amazing.
Freak-out of the week: Last night I really freaked out over everything baby and non-baby related. Cried myself to sleep, which hasn't happened in a while. Tomorrow is our next ultrasounds and I always freak before them. I forgot my Addi necklace this morning so I started out the day in tear...awesome.
What I miss: The days when I used to not be a crier.
What I am looking forward to:  Next week...I always seem to want to fast forward to any time table possible!
Next Appointment: tomorrow, October 14, 2011.

Something Else: I wasn't going to go to the pumpkin patch this year, but my brother and his girlfriend Lyndsey (who I adore) convinced us to double with them. It was sad to be there knowing last year I had a nice round Addi belly, but we picked out pumpkins for each of us, one for me, Brian, Addi and the one is my belly.

Sorry this is such a downer post today, I will leave you with a few pictures from our trip to the pumpkin patch. I strategically stayed out of any pictures :)
Alex & Lyndsey, I love these two so much!

My pumpkin carrier <3

Our family of 4 in pumpkins, there will always be a pumpkin for Addi.
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  1. Hugs, K. Sounds like we're both crying machines this week. (I used to call my grandpa Boppa (2 p's), too, but outgrew it somewhere along the way.)

    Looking forward to seeing you tonight... :)

  2. Love the four pumpkins :)
    Miss you guys! <3

  3. Girl, sounds like we are having similar days. I lost it at work to the point where my coworker hugged me and I would never have thought that would have happened. It was sweet of her to try and console me. She has no idea about anything in my life but I just couldn't keep it together today at work. I hope your appointment goes well.

  4. Sounds like you're having such a difficult time... I wish things were easier for you - I keep thinking that we've all had our 'share' of bad times and that there shouldn't be anymore for us. I found it such a relief to be told by my OB yesterday that there's no real evidence that stress impacts on pregnancy... I had always worried that stress somehow 'caused' me to lose Gabrielle and my MCs - people mean well when they say to relax but I used to find that it made me more anxious. Be gentle on yourself and thinking of you for your ultrasound xoxo

  5. ugh - anytime people told me not to stress or not to worry (while I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant) I wanted to punch them in the face. Why didn't I?! I really just should have.

    Sorry for the rough day. And I know when I leave without my Cale necklace I need something - a bracelet or something that's "his" and if I don't I feel so naked. It really can mess up your whole day!

  6. I understand the crying. That was me last week and will probably be me again soon. It's really unpredictable.

    Don't stress and enjoy? Hah. Who do these people think they are? Have they ever been under stress before? Is that advice ever helpful for THEM? Didn't think so.

    I love that mini Addi pumpkin. Love it. So stinking cute.

  7. Stinks that you had one of those days and the pregnancy hormones don't help either I am sure. Hopefully your ultrasound will be wonderful and give you a reason to smile. Have a great weekend :)

  8. Hoping you had/have a poitive ultrasound today. I never allowed myself to connect to my second pregnancy either. Don't feel bad. Even on the way to the hospital to be induced we were making "if it works out..." or "if we bring a baby home..." kind of statements. It wasn't until I was told that I was 7 cm dilated and I could hear her heart still beating on the monitor that I burst into tears and was saying "this might really happen!..." "We might meet a living baby!..." All through sobbing tears. I'm hoping and praying like crazy for you.

  9. People come up with such great advice huh? One of my friends told me Friday that I need to stop stressing and that it's not good for me or the baby. So I asked her- "How exactly do you propose I don't worry? What would you do?" And she kinda paused and said "well I don't know."

    Yeah exactly.

    People mean well but they just don't get it Who WANTS to feel like this all the time? We would give anything not to feel this way and not have lost our children.

    Praying that you are having some peace and praying for your little one ♥

    Oh I'd love for you to follow me!