Wednesday, October 5, 2011

10 Months...double digits

Each month is so hard to know that we are just that much farther away from our little girl. This month has a new feeling...because now we are in double digits. Ten, 10, all my fingers on both hands, any way I say it is a lot and it sucks.

So much is different and yet so much is the same. Our lives still go on like they did before Addison was born and it still bothers us that our lives still have that flexibility. We want to be tied down and busy and tired from our little 10 month old girl.

I wonder what sounds she would be making...possibly mama or dada....maybe an early walker? Even if she was doing everything slow we wouldn't care...just to have her here to see the changes in her face and personality.

10...how is it even possible?

Dear Addi,

Another month is here without you. This month starts the cold weather and I wish we could have you bundled up in a pink puffy coat and hat, one hand in daddy's and one hand in mine helping you to go for a walk and check out all the changing colors.

The end of this month is Halloween. I really don't know how that will go. I find myself desperately wanting to take part in the fun, but also not wanting it at all. How can I go to a Halloween party when all I want is to dress you up and show you off to friends and family. We never got a chance to pick out a costume, but I have always loved the lady bug costumes (I know they are super popular, but you would have rocked the crap out of it).

So here we are. October is here, the weather is changing, the pumpkins are out and I am pregnant again, but you are not here.  I hate these milestones without you, I hate everything without you. I love you sweet girl and as I've said a million times before, I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

7 comments:

  1. Sending you lots of love...thinking of you as we both face down these double digits without our sweet babies.

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  2. what a beautiful note to addi! 10 does sound like a lot (so does 5, for me..), it's way too long to be without your baby, but somehow we just keep going. I don't "like" that our babies share an anniversary date, but it's nice to have someone remembering every 5th with me.

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  3. Thinking of you and Addison - each month takes us further away and it hurts, so much.

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  4. I'm not sure I have the right to say anything I can't imagine what you are going through or feel. But I came across your blog from another one I follow and I have been quietly following you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your child my heart breaks for you. I read your story and cry and can't believe things like this happen. I pray for your family as you heal and as you start a new journey to parenthood. Your daughter is blessed to have had a loving mother like you. God Bless!

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  5. :(...Halloween is tough because it is so kid oriented. Even with my kids as they pick out their costumes i find myself wondering what I would have put Logan in this year...SUCKS!!!!!

    FYI- Addison would have been the cutest ladybug out there :)

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