Monday, September 5, 2011

Nine Months and spreading her ashes

It's the 5th again...I never quite know how I will feel on the 4th/5th day of the month. Today I feel peace, so far anyways.

Brian's parents have been in town from NC the last couple days and it has been beyond wonderful to have them here. It really is a shame to live so far away from people who you really love and enjoy being around!

This trip was supposed to be for them to meet Addison for the first time.We had planned a summer visit because we thought it would be more fun for them to meet a little girl with some personality instead of a crying/sleeping/eating/pooping newborn.

Well I can say this visit has been about Addison, from sharing her pictures, her room and talking about her constantly. No wonder I feel peace today.

I also knew their visit meant something else. We had talked about early on how we would wait for them to spread Addi's ashes as a family, a whole family. We only wanted to spread the "extra" that didn't fit in her urn, her bootie urn will be kept safe and sound until I go. I want to be buried with my girl.

I haven't been able to write about parting with some of her ashes, talk about it or really even think about it because it seemed way to big to handle. I couldn't even settle on the exact date. I needed the day, the weather, the lake to be perfect for her. Here's the thing though, they didn't put them in anything special, a felt type bag with an actual zip lock baggie inside...not the proper place for my girl. I was really scared to look at them. In this whole time, I have never even peeked. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but still not a fun thought.

Yesterday turned out to be the perfect day...well as perfect as something like this can be. Nine months from the day we heard our lives would be changed for ever by those words "no cardiac activity". I was anxious to get going as there was no wind, the sun was out and there were little to no boats out to make noise. We wanted her at the lake, at our favorite place in the whole world, that's where we are and that's where we want Addi.

I bought pink balloons, one for each couple. We wrote on little cards for her, not goodbyes just love notes to Addi. This was not about saying goodbye this was about holding her close. Brian and I had the perfect moment with each of Addi's grandparents, her great-grandparents, her aunt and uncle by our sides. We also tossed pink petals into the lake and then sent our balloons up. Sarah came and took some pictures for us from the dock. It was just everything I wanted without even knowing it. If there were tears, there were few because it wasn't as sad as it could have been. It was just about loving Addi all together and it was beautiful.

Throughout the day the rose petals floated away and eventually started floating back. Everyone got so excited to see them.

So this 9 month mark, I feel peace and lots of love. I feel like Addi counts to those who are most important to us. She is so loved and so missed and not just by Brian and I.

You are with us with every breath we take and now you are forever apart of our favorite place. Your whole family loves and misses you so much. While I wish this weekend was about you meeting your grandparents in a way it kind of was. Not the way we had planned, but still so much love for you! Today is one of those days where I feel like I have accepted this as our story (not that I will feel that way tomorrow), but today I can just be grateful that we even have you as apart of our story even for that all too brief 9 months. Nine months we spent planning for you, nine more months we have spent missing you. I can't believe it has been so long and yet this day nine months ago feel like an eternity. Mommy loves you so much baby girl.

Great-Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma

Great-Grandpa and Great-Grandma


Grandma & Papa

The plaque at the lake
A perfect pink sunset to end  our day


  1. What a beautiful way to celebrate Addi!!! Knowing that the 4th & 5th are not easy days for either of us, I kept you in my thoughts today. I am glad to see you were surrounded by love and your family.

  2. We had those trip plans with both sets of grandparents to meet their grandson, too. Both were about a month after he was born, so it was more raw and uncomfortable.

    I have never looked inside the additional ashes box. I can't. I'm scared. I already know (likely) what I'd see, but it scares the crap out of me.

    I LOVE that beautiful stone and what is inscribed made my heart so happy.

    I'm glad you had a wonderful weekend with family, including Addi.

  3. This is just beautiful! I'm glad that the day was a good one (as good as a day so tough and emotional can be). Thank you for sharing about your sweet girl's special day and letting us see the pictures.

    Thinking of you and little Addi today.

  4. What a wonderful day you had! So proud and happy for you at the same time.

  5. Very nice tribute to your baby girl. Thanks for sharing.

  6. What a beautiful day! Thanks so much for sharing the pictures.

  7. That is so beautiful and touching. I'm so happy you have the love and support of your family.

  8. How lovely...i can see why you did find some peace yesterday. Such a wonderful tribute to your sweet Addy and the plaque is beautiful!!! :)

  9. WOW!! I love everything you did!!! What a wonderful way to celebrate her! I am so glad you chose the lake to spread the rest of her ashes since y'all are there so much and it is such a happy place for you! I also LOOOOOOOOVE the plaque! Where is it at the lake... near a tree, dock, etc?

  10. Beautiful! So glad you had such a lovely day with your whole family. Xoxo

  11. What a beautiful, beautiful day! So glad it brought you peace and a warm heart - thank you for sharing the pictures. I love all of it. SO much love for that little girl - just as there should be!

  12. Such a lovely way to celebrate your baby girl. Just beautiful.

  13. Such a beautiful day for sweet baby Addison. The sunset was PERFECT! Thanks for sharing :)