Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Livin' on a prayer...and goldfish

I pretty much stopped praying all together after we lost Addison. I'm not angry with God and I'm not against church, but I really couldn't see the point of prayer. I still don't believe any amount of praying could have saved Addi and I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that sometimes shit happens. There are people who are more lucky than others and get to avoid massive amounts of life's shit. Then there are people that get way more than their fair share. It's all one big crap shoot.

I had pretty much decided that I wouldn't ever pray again unless it was for something like the way I "feel" about something. That I believe can be changed, but the actual outcome...not so much. I can pray for strength, wisdom, calmness etc. Those things may have a chance of changing for me.

And then we found out we were pregnant again and the only thing I felt like I had any control over was to pray. So I did. I still don't believe that I can keep this baby alive by praying, but you know what...it can't hurt. When we feel so powerless we need to take a little of the power back even if it is just psychological.

So I'm livin' on a prayer because that's all I got. Oh and goldfish lots and lots of goldfish. I am wonderfully nauseous every.single.day. You will get no complaints from me. This early when there is not much confirmation things are okay, nausea gives me some reassurance SOMETHING is happening. I know it isn't the all clear sign, but again it is something psychological for me to hold on to.

From the very moment I wake up in the morning I am feeling terrible...and it makes me thankful. My friend Jami suggested saltine goldfish. They are perfect! Just bland enough with a little salt and not messy at all like the saltine crackers. They have taken over my life. I have a box by my bed, in my car and on my desk at work. I start eating them from the moment I wake up until lunch time and then I start feeling a little better.

Also, my starbucks water cup is back! I never left home without it during my whole pregnancy with Addison. I am terrible at drinking enough water and this cup is PERFECT for helping with that! I need to be able to measure my intake, plus the straw makes me drink more AND the whole thing goes in the dishwasher...one of the best inventions of all time if you ask me. I have four, two grande size cups and two venti. I highly recommend them. You won't see me without it :)

This time around I learned that taking my prenatal after dinner is a no-no. You would think after years of taking them it wouldn't matter, but like they say every pregnancy is different and this one is no exception. I take them at lunch now and it seems to help.

Tomorrow is Thursday, which means the start of week 8. I have no real idea if things are okay or not, but for today I am trying to let my nausea calm me as much as possible.

7 comments:

  1. I ate so many goldfish when I was pregnant with Liam. I didn't so much as need them for nausea as I craved them.
    The not knowing is so hard. I wish I could go to the dr. everyday just so I could know things are okay.

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  2. Nausea is a good sign! So glad you're feelin sick, lol!

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  3. I've heard alot about goldfish from a couple of US born friends here (Melbourne). And, we have an American goods shop just around the corner, which is handy. I might have to pay a visit and find out what all the fuss is about.
    I wish I had a crystal ball for you. Wouldn't that make life so much easier?
    And I get the praying (or lack of). I now believe that karma is bullshit, as well as destiny, fate and all things happening for a reason. Really shitty things happen to good people. Full stop.
    Hope the nausea eases up for you soon (but not too soon). x

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  4. I'm totally getting one of those Starbucks cups (or four).

    And I completely hear you on the prayer thing. I feel the EXACT same way. And yet... I'm starting to ask for just this one thing again.

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  5. So excited for you! I think of you often and will continue to do so in the months ahead. Your news made my day!

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  6. I wrote a blog post early on about believing my prayers to be toxic - doing more harm than good. I don't feel like that anymore bit I know I struggled with prayer through my rainbow pregnancy. A lot of the time I opted for "Don't you dare take this baby away", which was useless on so many levels. You seem to have a healthier handle on it than I did.

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  7. I don't know what to do about prayer. I just don't know. Oh, and I've never heard of those saltine Goldfish. I did, however, see on another blog that there are vanilla cupcake flavored ones! OMG!

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