Monday, September 19, 2011

A flicker of hope

So thankful to all of you for your support over our announcement! I was nervous to blog about it, but let's face it, this next step is apart of our story.

I want to say that this pregnancy does give me hope. Not hope that my life will ever have a "happy ending", but that a baby to bring home and raise could be apart of our future. When we got the news I actually FELT hopeful, more than I have felt over the last 9+ months and it felt like some color was added back into my black and white world. With this hope comes much fear. I am scared

I think as a coping mechanism I allow myself to "forget" we are expecting. Not because I am not invested, but because it's the only way my brain can handle our news. I still follow all the rules, no alcohol, no foods on the no-no list, extra water, extra sleep etc. If it weren't for the morning sickness from the moment I wake up until late afternoon (and sometimes all day I would "forget" much better)!

On Friday we had our first ultrasound. That was something I had been trying to keep as far back in my brain as possible. By Thursday night I had a full on meltdown driving home from work in anticipation of this scary appointment. Friday morning I came into work barely holding it together when my co-worker came in beaming saying how excited she was for me to have our ultrasound. I just lost it. I told her I wished I could be excited, but I was too scared to allow any other feelings in. The last time I had an ultrasound it ruined my life and while I don't believe this ultrasound could be as bad as the last one I knew we could get similar news...."no cardiac activity".

I know she was trying to help with her positive thinking and her excitement, but really I hated it. Brian was really excited about the appointment too trying to stay positive and keep me positive, but really it just made me more upset. It was reality that I needed at that moment, someone to verify that my feeling were legit. So I sent a text to blm friend saying how upset I was about getting sunshine blown up my ass about this appointment. She sent me back this "Here's the is normal to prepare yourself for the worst. I will not tell you any different. You will not relax until you are there and see the heartbeat. I love sunshine, but not up my ass". Oh I love her! She always says just what I need and usually makes me laugh too.

I should also mention that the emails and texts I got of people sending good vibes for our appointment really did help! The appointment was at 2pm so at 1pm I chugged down the required 32 ounces of water in preparation.

When I got to the appointment Brian was waiting there for me. We went in together hand in hand ready for whatever was about to happen. We were prepared to hear our baby had no heartbeat and we decided no matter what nothing would be as bad as what we had already been through.

When I checked in I was called to see the nurse first...I had it marked down as the ultrasound first THEN the nurse intake, but it was nurse first then ultrasound....I was already so nervous/anxious and I had to wait even longer, not to mention that 32 ounces of water was starting to hurt! I decided I couldn't hold it for another hour so I went to the bathroom and then had to drink ANOTHER 32 ounces of water, I thought I was going to be sick (combination of the water and my nerves). I did bring a gallon size zip lock bag in my purse just in case I got sick! Thankfully it wasn't needed.

The nurse wanted to take my blood pressure and I asked she wait until after the ultrasound, she said it would be fine to take it now, so she did and when she saw how high it was decided I was right and she would retake it after the ultrasound.

The wait was really awful, but it was finally time for our scan. We followed the tech. back to her room and I just tried to focus on breathing. We didn't even notice that we passed our doctor on the way in. He followed us back to check on us, which made me feel a tiny bit better.

I laid down on the table, held Brian's hand and waited. At first I saw nothing and I thought here we go, we are still no where closer to a live baby and then…she found it. One little bean. She zoomed into the heart and it looked as if it were flickering. She confirmed it was our baby's BEATING heart. I couldn't help, but cry and cry and cry. I know we aren't in the clear, but in that moment I knew I had a LIVING baby inside me. I was trying to hold my body still while I cried, but I didn't have much control. The lady kept asking if I was okay and I just kept thinking YES I am okay, I am just surprised that there is a real live baby in there WITH a heartbeat.

At this stage we were hoping for a heartbeat between 90 and 110. This baby was giving us 106, thank you baby! I was supposed to be 7 weeks 1 day, but she said baby was measuring at 6 weeks and 4 days...must have implated later...that explains the first negative pregnancy test. I forgot to ask my doctor if that would change my due date, but I am hoping we are still on for a late April induction, but that is so far ahead of what my brain can handle so I am going to try and not think about it.

She took a picture for us to keep, but really it wasn't the picture I was excited about it was that heartbeat, that little flicker, our flicker of hope.

One step closer, but still so many steps to go.


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  2. I get my first u/s on Thursday and am so anxious. Same as Molly, can't wait to hear that beating heart! I bet it was like music to your ears!

  3. This post makes me so happy for you :)...I was 3 days behind on my first scan and at my 9 week scan he had caught right up and by the 13 week scan he was a week ahead :) Either way I don't think they will touch your due date...the sooner the better once we get that far along. Keep taking it week by week...that is what has kept me somewhat sane ;)

  4. oh that flicker is SUCH a wonderful sight. so happy you had a good appointment!

  5. That little flicker is the first big step! I know there are many more to come, but Hang in there and do whatever you need to to get through it. I know pregnancy was terrifying for me after our losses and I had to stay somewhat uninvested emotionally. I felt bad for Truman, but our bonding really came when he was born. Thinking of you and still so so so happy for you.

  6. I've read through some of your posts and all I can say is I'm going to say a prayer for you. Yes everyone deals with loss in their own way and each mom's story is different, but knowing that my daughter is in heaven and it is a far better place than here on this earth, and knowing that I will see her face again, get to finally look into those beautiful eyes and hear her laugh is all I need to get me through each day. I will be reunited with my daughter in heaven and God only knows why He took her from us, but that was His will and that doesn't mean we love her any less. We talk to her every day and look forward to seeing her again...I can't imagine after I pass, not being able to see my angel.

  7. So so so very happy for you!!! Thanks for taking us on this part of your journey as well!

  8. I found you from Brooke's blog. First of all, congratulations on your little rainbow! Secondly, don't let them change your due date yet. Our rainbow measured about 4 days behind at 6 weeks (we knew the day we conceived pretty much exactly due to an IUI), by 9 weeks he was right on track, by 20ish weeks he was consistently 2 weeks ahead. I'm not an expert about what is normal or anything, but, most of my pregnancy with him, I wavered between trying to enjoy it as much as I could however long it lasted, and being certain that we would lose this baby too. It's still hard to completely trust that this baby will stay, and he's 5 months old, but all you can do is take it one day at a time.

  9. Wonderful news. I remember the first US with our rainbow - we saw the heartbeat and then I cried so hard, my belly wobbled too much and we lost the picture. I had scans every 4 weeks and I felt sick-anxious before everyone. But he grew and he thrived and he made it. I pray that for you too.

  10. That is one beautiful baby! I'm so happy to see this picture!

    Continuing to lift you up in prayer.

    So happy for you!