Thursday, September 29, 2011

9 Weeks

How Far Along: 9 weeks (our baby is as big as a grape)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm sure I will get weighed and all the other fun stuff at tomorrow's appointment.
Maternity Clothes: I decided to go look for work pants and found a good deal at Old Navy. So I now have 2 new pairs of maternity pants just waiting for a belly! I also got a couple work shirts non-maternity from Romy, but they have the ability to stretch :)
Movement: I got nothin'
Sleep: I noticed this morning I actually slept until my alarm went off, it was a beautiful thing!
Gender: Obviously it is way to early, but I have the strongest vibe that this one is a boy...
Symptoms: Morning sickness from the moment I wake up until 1-2pm then it lets up a bit (same as last week). I am happily miserable :)
Cravings: Since I am drinking only water all day long I notice when I get home I want something with taste. I bought some lemonade, which has been great, but then I had the weirdest need for chocolate milk...pregnancy craving I think so because I NEVER drink chocolate milk!
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  hmmm I suppose our support group meeting last night. After the meeting was over a few of us talked about pregnancy a little and it was nice :)
Freak-out of the week: Nothing too bad...I think that I am trying not to think about this pregnancy as much as possible. I also have some non-baby related things going on that are holding my stress and attention, which I think is good. I think other stress is way easier on me than baby stress... we will see how long this lasts. I will probably freak tomorrow right before our appointment.
What I miss: So so much...there is too much to write here.
What I am looking forward to:  Well I thought tomorrow would be the doppler/heartbeat appointment, but the more I research the more hearing a heartbeat at 9 weeks is very hit or miss. I will talk with our doctor about it, but honestly I think I would rather him not try and find it then to have him try and it be too early. I couldn't stand to hear him say he couldn't find it...can you say meltdown?!?! I really don't know what the nurse was thinking when she scheduled this appointment.
Next Appointment: Tomorrow, September 30, 2011.

**On a side note, I can't believe it's only 9 weeks. I mean are you kidding me? Can't it be April already? I have so many feelings about this and it's hard to put them into words. I find myself so thankful to not be ttc and to be actually pregnant, but I also struggle with bonding with this baby when I just want my Addi.

I am sure it is just a coping mechanism, but it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for so much. Guilty for the blm moms who are still waiting for their BFP, guilty for not loving this baby enough yet, guilty to Addison for wanting to love this baby....I don't know how to juggle it all, but I am trying. I swear I am trying. I know it is possible to love more than one child, millions of moms and dads do it every day, but it seems impossible.

I guess I am just having a hard time believing that this baby could really be our take home baby. It seems more realistic to imagine something bad happening. I suppose that is how I "protect" myself. I think after you have lived through the loss of a child that is kind of a normal way of thinking, but I still don't like it. I think I have put more thought into funeral arrangements and things I would do differently than a nursery or anything good like that. I know exactly how awful it is so say goodbye to your baby and plan a funeral, i don't have to imagine how that would go, but to actually bring a baby home...that is foreign to me. That's terrible...such is the life of a blm.

I know most cannot understand my thoughts, but it is what it is. I know nothing is guaranteed and I just don't want any surprises. We never would have tried for another baby if we didn't think a living one was possible. These feelings are just the nature of the beast.

I have had a ton to say this week and just haven't had a chance...okay really the energy to blog. I will try and get caught up soon. If anything I want to write about the TEARS Gala/fundraiser we went to on Saturday.

Wish us luck tomorrow. I freaking hate doctor appointment days...no matter how hard I try to "not think" about things there is nothing like an OB appointment to remind you of EVERYTHING!

9 comments:

  1. I hope your "stong vibes" are right and baby will be a boy - I have TONS of stuff I will save for you :)

    I'll be thinking about you and your appointment tomorrow!!

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  2. Good luck tomorrow! Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised with an U/S! One can hope right? All of the feelings you describe bring me back to the days I was first pregnant with Emily. So SO SO normal! I felt guilty to not want to or be able to connect to her right away. And I felt guilty for letting another baby grow in my belly. Funny thing too, I was 100% sure she was a boy too. I decided that my need to believe that was to protect myself from the thought of losing another daughter or actually having a living daughter and feeling like she was going to somehow replace Addison. And how you talked about being more prepared for a funeral, how gross is this.....I thought to myself while I was pregnant with Emily that we had the extra casket Brock had built to donate to someone still in our spare room in case we needed it, but we had no crib or carseat. It's just the way our minds work after what we've been through. It will take a bit more time but you will get comfortable again in your roll as a pregnant person. And you WILL love your baby. I had that fear too. Emily doesn't replace Addison (I just cried missing her a bit ago tonight), I love Emily and Addison the same. I think having Emily makes me miss Addison more everyday. Not getting to see her grow like Emily does. I guess I'm just saying that they will always be 2 very seperate individuals. One is not a "situation" and the other my child. They are both my children.

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  3. I couldn't agree more with all Shana had to say. And OB appointments will be scary throughout your pregnancy - BUT they will be exciting too and they will be full of hope and that's how you get through it. You'll share a bond with this baby that is so special and unique just as this baby is - like Shana said it makes you miss your Angel more, but love them more and as a result, love your rainbow more too. My love for my boys is stronger for both because of each of them individually.

    Hang in there - thinking good thoughts for your appointment today

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  4. OB appointments are hard but they are also exciting/reassuring as well. Lets of good thoughts for your appointment today.

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  5. Good luck today! Inhale in, exhale out and take care of yourself and that baby! I think it's wonderful that you are still blogging as it is a great outlet for all your emotions. And selfishly, I hope to be able to reference your posts when we are lucky enough to have our "take home" baby, too!

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  6. I can't believe its only 7 weeks for me. Time really does need to hurry up for us.
    All of the thoughts you have about feeling guilty I have been having also. I want to believe everything will turn out fine but after something so bad has happened I am finding hard to believe something could go right also.
    I hope your appt goes well today and want to hear the news about that growing baby when you have a chance:)

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  7. Hoping you have a wonderful Dr. appt. I agree 100% about time needs to get a move on...i feel like I have been pregnant forever and at the same time know I still have 4 long months to go.

    Keep staying positive :)

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  8. I think all of your feelings and thoughts are completely freakin' normal. I hope time moves swiftly!

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  9. Thinking of you. I know it doesn't feel like you've connected with this baby, but I promise you have. Your mind is just protecting you. Time went so agonizingly slow for me when I was pregnant with Cole. On this side of things- it was completely worth the wait.

    Carrie
    Kaileerose.weebly.com

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