40 weeks and 5 days I carried Addison in my body, in my belly close to my heart, my girl and I were one. Today has been 40 weeks and 5 days since she left my body and the 2 of us were separated never to be whole again. How can it be that this much time has gone. That time with her feels as if it was in a different lifetime. Those weeks with her and the weeks since she was taken from us don't feel anywhere near the same amount of time.
I suppose because I dreamed of Addi my entire life that may be part of the reason why her weeks and months with me seem so long when really they were so short. These weeks of preparing myself for a lifetime without her have gotten me 3 steps back for every one step forward I take.
It was easy preparing for her arrival. She was my life's dream. While some want it all I only ever wanted to be a wife and mother. Something so simple for some and yet I can never have my whole family....ever. When dreams are crushed we are forced to make new dreams. I have new dreams, but wow is it hard to let go of the life I had planned.
Our new dreams include more children. Never to replace our little Addi, but to give us the chance to parent a living child/ren. I know it is the right step for us to take, but I won't lie there was/is apart of me that wanted to never have another child. Not for me, but for society. Society thinks that once us baby loss parents have another child we are "fixed or healed" and I guess there is something in me that wants to rebel, throw my middle finger up and say "screw you society" I will never be fixed or healed no matter how many children I have and maybe if I don't have one you will never have the chance to think of me in that way! I know it's childish, but I couldn't help but entertain the idea.
Would I really want to live my whole life and not get to have a living child, no. That would be bad for me and bad for all the people that love me and Addison and Brian. It's not a secret that we have been actively trying to conceive a second child, a sibling for Addison. I knew if we were ever to get the chance at this whole parenting the living thing that we needed to get pregnant.
Getting pregnant along with missing Addison and grieving has consumed my entire 40 weeks and 5 days. It's knowing that getting pregnant is the first step to getting to that place that we want to be, not that it's guaranteed, just that you have to do that part before anything else is even a possibility.
After we waited the recommended 6 months I expected it to happen right away (I mean come on we followed all the rules...again) and then it didn't happen. Three months later and each month bringing a negative test. I know you are thinking it's only been 3 months, but the first 6 felt like part of the plan so really it seemed like 9 months. Plus every month you get a negative makes it feel like that living baby will never be a reality and things will never happen. It's a different kind of torture.
After my last negative test I was angry and bitter and sad really really sad. I just couldn't bare getting closer to Addi's 1st birthday and be no where closer to having a living child. After a few days of serious self-pitty and taking it out on Brian, I pulled up my big girl panties and started my plan of attack for ttc for the next cycle.
****(to my dear blm's please stop reading if rainbows make you sad. We mommas have too much to be sad about without a gut punch from one of our own)*****
After that negative test I was really feeling like things would never happen for us. So I waited for my period to come so we could get back on to the new plan for a new month. I waited and I waited and it never came.
I was home alone that night and decided I would take one more test. I only had one left and didn't want to waste it because let’s face it they aren't cheap! I decided I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't and that I needed the reminder that this was not our month. So I took it. It was one of those digital ones and it took FOREVER. And then it was done and just like that I looked and saw something that said "YES +". I immediately started shaking and then the "ugly cry" was back. I couldn't control my body and the heavy hard sobs.
I started to worry that this kind of crying could "shake lose" any baby that might be in there. I tried to calm my nerves and starting pacing up and down the hall way taking deep breaths and trying not to let my crying get out of control. I sent Brian a text to see when he would be home. He was still a half hour out. I waited and waited and waited. I wanted to share this news in a way he would never forget, but instead of being calm, cool and collected I melted into his arms the moment he walked through the door. He thought something was really wrong, but instead I just sobbed "I'm pregnant" we both held each other and cried together in the same doorway I told him of our pregnancy with Addison. This time with tears instead of smiles.
Brian immediately wanted me to take another test, but by this time it was 11pm. We decided we didn't care and both got into the car to go to the closest grocery store. I grabbed a box of tests, but Brian thought it wouldn't be enough so he got another. Two boxes, two brands...sounds good, right?!? We got to the check out and I am sure the checker thought we were hoping the tests would be negative. Both with bloodshot eyes and very pink cheeks. He didn't say anything...glad it was a guy and not a girl...a girl would have asked!
We raced home and I took the tests. They both turned right away, one with a positive and one with 2 lines. We were in awe. We did it. Holy shit...now what?
Well now begins the real wait. We are under no illusions that we are in the clear. My first words to this baby were "please, please don't die" who says that...a baby loss mom, that's who.
I have hated not being able to blog about this and there will be more added, I just needed to get this part out. I will post pregnancy updates on my private blog and I haven't quite decided what to post here. This is all apart of baby loss, but God, I just can't stand this pregnancy bringing another baby loss mom some added sadness. I've been there. It's not that you don't want to be happy for someone else, but when you are too sad for yourself it is just too much. I don't blame any momma that can't be happy for me. Really I don't.
So here I am 40 weeks and 5 days since my little girl was born with another baby in my belly. It's surreal and often times I try not to think about it. It's not that I am not thankful and grateful because trust me I AM. It's just that I shouldn't be. I should have a 9 month old running me ragged and instead I am grief stricken, nauseous, exhausted and hopeful. Let's not forget hopeful.
I know I am leaving a million parts out, but this post is already way longer than a post should be. I will blog again soon.
*****And please NO posts on my Facebook. Private messages, email or comments on here is fine, but this is not something I want the whole world to know. Yes, I know this blog is public, but the people reading this are invested in our story and no other people need to know. I would also ask that if you know me in real life you NOT take it upon yourself to share our news with others. Let's keep it here please.***********
My Dear Addison,
How I wish you were here. Our lives are so different than what we had planned. The new plan is to make you a big sister. I hope you are watching over this little brother or sister of yours. We know this may not be our "take home baby", but we are hopeful. I miss you so very much and would do anything to have you here. I saw a mother at the grocery store with her toddler daughter in the shopping cart and her baby in a car seat. How it breaks my heart that you will not get to be the big sister here with us. It's so not fair. I don't know that I will ever get over the unfairness of it all. You my girl are so loved. Thank you for the very best 40 weeks and 5 days of my life. Our time together was nothing short of blissful.