Brian and I volunteered to tell our story to help bring awareness to baby loss. Last night was the phone interview (the pre-interview if you will). We thought it would be a quick conversation of us just telling Addison's birth story, but two hours later we realized that was not the case.
The man interviewing us (I'll call him M) has never experienced a loss like ours, but his ability to navigate us through these tough questions so gently was refreshing and appreciated. M started out asking how we met and when we decided we wanted a family. He really established a comfort zone and didn't just jump into the nitty gritty.
M asked questions that really made us think and took us right back to that day in the hospital. We were both good for about the first half hour and then the tears flowed on and off for the next hour and a half.
Through his questions we realized there were parts each of us had forgotten and hearing the other describe those moments was surreal. I need to write down her story, the whole thing not just the cliff note version I posted. I may or may not post it, but I need to do it before we forget anymore. We talked about having each member of my family write about Addison and that day from their point of view...I need to have them do that before her first birthday! I think it would be really interesting to hear her story form a viewpoint other than my own. In those moments you are thinking about your own grief and not as tuned into everyone else.
In the interview Brian talked about how once the nursery was completed he would find me in there curled up on the floor sleeping with Addi in her room. I just loved every moment with her, but spending time in her room with her in my belly was some of my favorite and he loved watching me with her.
M asked about the moment we found out we were pregnant, the moment each of us felt her move for the first time, when we found out we were having a girl and the first time we saw her face. To hear Brian tell his answers well, this daddy loves his daughter! There were a couple time I had to let Brian answer for me because too many tears were falling, but for the most part we each answered.
Brian even admitted that he tries to block out certain parts or dreams he had for Addison, because he knows those thoughts will send him into a sad place, but during the interview we talked about it all. There was no holding back.
I am not sure how the interview will go when we meet on Sunday, but for me, sharing our story, sharing Addison is very therapeutic. It's like each person that hears our story and knows Addi was here and really existed just helps take some of the weight off my shoulders.
It felt so good to share her story, but it was also extremely draining. After the conversation we just laid on the couch until bed time. It's interesting to me how spending time talking about Addison affects us both so differently. Brian looked like he might be having a sad day when he left for work today and I felt good. I guess it's just one of the ways we grieve differently.
I am nervous for Sunday, but I also really want to do it. I just hope we don't forget something important.