Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Crying on the job

I have talked about good days and how I always live in fear of a "sad day". Well it happened. I would say for the most part I am able to hold my grief off until I am in my own home or at least make it to the car or possibly the bathroom, but yesterday was not the case. I was sitting at my desk doing work that had nothing to do with Addison when all the sudden I felt it coming.

To be fair I had woken up with that sad/sick feeling in my gut. I even told Brian how I wanted to stay home, but I never call in sick so I went anyways. I was hoping to make it until noon when I could leave for lunch and have a good cry in my car. I didn't make it. I quietly cried at my desk until it started to not be so quiet. I had to excuse myself and luckily my boss was more than willing to let me take a break.

I cried the ugly cry in my car in the parking lot, hoping no one could see me, but at the same time I didn't really care. After several tissues and some big deep breaths I fixed my face as best I could (although by this point all my makeup was gone and I had big red splotches all over my face...attractive right?).

When I made my way back to my office my boss was ready with a hug and telling me to take a long break. She told me that she wished she could take some of the pain away, but not all of it because she knew that this isn't something she could handle. While I don't think I can handle it either I appreciate that she acknowledges how hard this really is.

I decided a long break would be good. I left to run the office errands and then thought about going to see Brian. I knew he would make me feel better, but I also knew he had a busy day at work and I knew that if I showed up looking the way I did he wouldn't be able to focus on work because he would be too worried about me. So as much as I wanted to see him I didn't stop by his office.

I went home, not my home, but home home. There is something about going back to your family's home. It's where I feel most safe and happy. My dad, brother and Lyndsey were all there, which was a nice surprise. My dad made us lunch and I had some time to just breathe and try to calm my head.

It was the best medicine I needed in that moment. I made it back to work and finished out my day. I made sure to go to bed early last night and while I am still feeling sad I think I can make it with no tears...okay not no tears because I already let some out, but at least no ugly cry...that's a good goal...no ugly cry until after work...we'll see how it goes.

I so miss my little girl and I hate that we are dealing with so much extra BECAUSE she isn't here. Like the just being sad about losing her isn't enough. Addi, you are so loved and so missed. Your absence leaves such emptiness in our lives. I am trying so hard each day, but it's hard to know that my best isn't always enough. I know it's okay to cry, but I am still having such a hard time adjusting.

6 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are having a "sad day". I hope you start feeling better. just take it moment by moment. just know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family always. Your little Addison has an amazing strong mommy.

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  2. :( I am so sorry. You are not alone my dear. I had this type of a breakdown on Sunday. My husband looked at me and said your crying over Harry Potter (I was Reading Half Blood Prince), I was like no you idiot...just one of those days ( i hate those days and haven't had one in awhile). Isn't it crazy that this is totally normal now...ugh!!! Hope things are better and will be thinking of you and your sweet Addi as another month approaches...wth???

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  3. oh you sweet beautiful woman! I wish there was something that could help you, or something I could do. I pray for you and know that you have the strength to endure whether it feels that way or not, and I'm so glad that you let yourself cry when you need to. Please know that you, Brian, and Addison are very much loved!

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  4. I'm so sorry you had a hard time at work. Glad your boss is sweet and gave you some time to regroup. I had my worst "in the car cry" shortly after I lost my Addison. 2 weeks actually I think. My husband had to go out of town to his grandpas funeral (not a good couple weeks!) and I stayed home cause I just couldn't face everyone. One night I just felt so lost, I went for a drive thinking it would help. It was already dark out so I went and parked outside the cemetery near Addi's grave and just sobbed. I wanted to feel close to her. And it felt so wrong that I was all alone. My husband was gone, my baby was gone. My sister called to check on me and insisted on driving to me and "guiding" me home. I thought she was over reacting but it was probably needed at that point.

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  5. Oh Mama, what a hard day (as if the others aren't hard). Your best is enough. You just gotta keep breathing in and out. Go well. I'm thinking of you. x

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  6. Sad days at work are horrible. I know exactly what you mean about trying to hold the tears back till you reach your car or home. Glad your boss seemed supportive of you and let you take a break though.

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