Thursday, August 4, 2011

A break from FB

This week is slowly feeling a little less heavy. We have been keeping busy and I have been focusing on getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep always makes my sadness worse so if I can sleep, I do!

The more time that goes by the more I learn my limitations. Things are changing for me because things that used to not bother me are starting to. I posted THIS before about how I was thankful for Facebook and while I still am thankful for parts of it, I am starting to see the downfall of it. Two weeks ago I got hit with a triple whammy of baby announcements (on the same day within a few hours). It really surprised me how much it affected me. I felt like I had gotten a punch to the gut.

I was upset for the rest of the day and decided that night that I would take a break from FB. I didn't shut down my page and I still get messages sent to my email from it, but I stopped checking the news feed and you know what? I think it helped! There are some things I miss about it like my friends talking to me like I know what’s going on with them when I don't or Brian asking me about so and so and I am like what? It's funny how much FB keeps you in the loop!

I don't know how long this break will last, but I just hate to be blindsided.  I really appreciate the friends that email or text to give me a heads up on baby news. I much prefer the email/texts over phone calls or in person announcements. Since I never know how I will feel at that time, it’s nice to be able to react however I want without an audience. We can talk about next time we see each other, but give me the initial news without watching me pleeeeaaaassseeee!!!

Can I just say how much I HATE that baby news can make me so sad?!?! Babies and puppies are supposed to be the universal smile makers! Now baby news makes my heart sink. Let’s just add this to the pile of things I hate associated with baby loss. Pre December baby news was my favorite news of all. I hate that excitement I used to have for my friends has changed. It is just another thing that was stolen from me. When I hear people are expecting, I think yes, you are EXPECTING to have a baby at the end...good luck with that.

It's hard to say congratulations when really I am just holding my breath and hoping that the expectant parents will never join this awful club.

Not all baby news makes me sad, but at least 80% of it does, that's so unfair. I want to be excited for my friends and even the stranger at the grocery store. I don't want to be the girl that looks away.  I hope that excitement will come back, but it's hard to tell with all this worrying I do.

Okay let me switch gears. Something funny, well funny to me. We have a lot of dogs...too many (3). Our two "puppies" (they are 3 now) have been crate trained from the beginning. They sleep in their crates at night. Our old girl Annie (8) sleeps at the foot of our bed on her own bed. She has been sneaking up at 4am when we are too out of it to tell her to get off and then she stays there till we get up. I wind up not moving for fear of waking her and then I get no sleep (she wakes up, she is ready to go outside).

If we lock her out of our room she cries and whines. Lose/lose. I had this brilliant idea to let the "puppies" out of their crates and let Annie hang with them. It's been two nights of all the dogs sleeping together and no dog in our room! I don't want to get too excited, but this is looking promising!

Last night Brian kept saying how he was curious about what they do when we are not looking and then he got excited. He ran to Addison's room and took down her video baby monitor. He put it in the living room so we could spy on the dogs. It was really funny. Mostly they just laid down, but I did catch one of them sneaking a spot on the couch...so busted.

Brian was so excited about that baby monitor when we got it. I'm glad he finally had an excuse to use it (I will admit I was entertained too). I just wish it wasn't to watch our damn dogs.
Even in the dark you can see pretty good, this picture doesn't do it justice!

5 comments:

  1. The things you are feeling are totally normal. Not to sound too cliched but it's true. I'm not sure that baby news ever feels the same. Not even after having another yourself. I still feel jealous and a little low when I hear of someone else expecting. I feel like the whole rest of my day is kinda low. Even with my little girl to focus on. It almost feels like those of us who have lost a baby are all in a room with windows and we have to watch these women walk by with their growing bellies and they get to pass the door to that room. Inside, you partly breath a sigh of relief for them and at the same time you partly feel like they just shunned you. I think it bothers me when they announce it really early too and act as if it's a done deal. In a way I think I almost feel offended that they think they can assume this baby is already theirs to keep. And make it known to me that they assume that. I know in my heart it probably will be theirs to keep but it feels like a stab to know that they are probably thinking, "I'll do everything right and that won't happen to me". Maybe it seems like the reality of loss is not validated when people make announcements like a friend of mine did to me on FB, "We just found out we're expecting our second child in July". She was literally only 4 weeks pregnant. So I liked your comment about how people can "expect" a baby...."good luck with that". But then I try to think back to what it feels like to still have the innocence of never losing a baby. I had trouble believing we were really having a baby finally but I never believed I would have to bury her either. It changes the way you look at pregnancy, babies, children, family....all of it, when you lose a baby. On top of the loss itself, you really do lose an innocence that no one ever should.
    Phew, I think I might steal this comment and turn it into a post, lol! I just understand 100% how you are feeling and it makes me feel less guilty for still feeling the same way.
    Cute little story about your dogs BTW!

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  2. Wow. Great post and wonderful insight by Shana, too. Have to go find her blog now!! :) Thank goodness we are all here for each other!!

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  3. Well, I think you know my thoughts on FB... it was RUINING my good days. So I got off (completely deactivated), but then I got back on, and off, and on, and finally got off and stayed off in January. It was killing me slowly. I KNOW I am mentally better because of my decision to can it. I know how you feel--I hate to be THAT girl that hates baby news. What a terrible position to be in. :( LOL about the dogs using the monitor. I hope you can watch a baby on it soon. <3

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  4. I completely relate to all this and thought Shana's response was perfect. I can never look at or respond to baby announcements the same and like she said it bothers me when people can announce their pregnancies so early on like it's just a done deal.

    What's worse is that while I do hold my breath a little like you said, waiting for the outcome of others' pregnancies, when they do have the happy, healthy outcome you should have with a pregnancy, that we were all robbed off, I can't help but have the self pity and bitterness set in. Not that I would want anymore people to join this club - but it's hard to not think "why me? Why my baby" - so then it's another thing to be sad about - how even our happiness for others is altered and even reduced.

    I did enjoy your cute dog story - there have been many times I just wished I had a video up to see what Roscoe was up to throughout the day!

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  5. I have been on a facebook break for a couple of weeks already. I admit I have no idea what's going in anyone else's life but I'd rather no nothing than have to read one more "I'm pregnant" post or see new baby pics. It's crazy how at first FB didn't bother me but as time goes by and I am starting to hate it more and more. Ugh!
    Cute about the baby monitor, but hopefully soon you will be watching your baby instead.

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