Thursday, August 11, 2011

Back up the roller coaster

This week feels like a vacation (emotionally) from what last week brought. This roller coaster of grief has such low lows. I feel like after that week of crying and hard core grief I am finally able to breathe again. Things seem to be looking up. It really is like a roller coaster. Even though I feel like I am on my way up I still know that drop will be somewhere in my future :(

I really appreciate days like today where I miss Addison, but my grief doesn't feel so heavy and all consuming. I think part of the reason this week has been good can be attributed to a couple things:

1. I got it out last week (a lot, a lot) and it seemed like lots of people remembered Addison on the 5th.
2. We had a family reunion on Sunday.
3. My anniversary was wonderful.

I won't continue on about the crying, please refer to previous blogs. This month I got email messages, FB messages, 8 month flowers from Sarah and a sweet note from our neighbor letting up know she thinks about us at every "month marker" and that this July marked 43 years since she lost her son. Us mommas will FOREVER miss our babies. I felt like Addison was remembered this month and that really helps me gain some peace.
8 Month flowers from Sarah

The Family reunion. I was really worried someone would say something dumb. To my surprise NO ONE said anything dumb and people asked about Addison and acknowledged her and our grief. I was seriously shocked. I really thought I would be slaying some dumb soul with my words right here, but I got nothing, but nice things to say...seriously I am still in shock about this. My dad and Brian wore their Addi shirts, my grandma made a sign that said "Addison we love you". I printed out Addi's story and a list of things NOT to say along with her footprints to put out for people to see. We have one more reunion this Sunday...we will see if this side of the family does as well....I am prepared...I think.
The sign my grandma made

Finally, my anniversary. Each holiday has been SO tough without Addi, but our anniversary really seemed like it was about US so while I would still give anything to have Addison here this particular day did not seem like it should have revolved around her. Brian is normally not so good at the element of surprise...he gets too excited and usually tells me about any surprise before I actually get the chance to be surprised. Well this anniversary he snuck my card in my underwear drawer (okay that sounds not so romantic), BUT he knew I would go there first thing and I did so I thought it was really sweet that he "hid" it instead of just giving it to me (no pictures of this, you're welcome). Then when I went to leave there was one single pink rose on my windshield. I always use one pink rose for Addi so I thought it was especially sweet.

I really believe that one perfect rose is just as good as a dozen, BUT when I got to work Brian had also sent flowers...Brian is like a fine wine....he really does get better with age. My whole office still smells amazing. i wish I could add smell to this picture! We had a nice dinner and were able to celebrate the fact that 3 years later we know we made the best decision. We laughed about how three years doesn't sound like very much. We still sound like newlyweds and not very legit. I feel like we have always been together. In October we will have been together for 6 years, that sounds more like it!
They smell AMAZING, good job babe!

We have a busy weekend in store, but I really feel ready for it. Thank God for days like today. There is no way I would be able to do a week like last everyday for the rest of my life.


  1. So glad to hear things are back on an upward deserved a break!!
    You are right about making your anniversary about YOU. Even when Addison's sibling(s) decide to make their appearance (hoping this is your month!!!) it is nice to have 1 day a year that still belongs to you and your hubby :)
    The flowers are they smell amazing!!!

  2. Brian is a good man! :) Matt is terrible about keeping things a surprise too! That is awesome that everyone was so understanding at your family reunion, hopefully this next one is the same way! Much love to you, Brian and Addison!

  3. wow, so proud of you for handling the reunion so well. i am at a family wedding, and everyone is playing the "pretend nothing happened" game, which I CANNOT stand. but this isn't my family, so i'm just trying to get thru tomorrow and then get the heck out of here and back to where people want to recognize that i have a son.

  4. I'm so glad you are experiencing an "up"! Enjoy it while it lasts and look forward to another one when the low comes back. Just remember what a wonderful family and husband you have. He does sound like a catch!