Friday, August 5, 2011

8 Months

Eight. That is such a big number to me. It doesn't even feel natural to say. I am finding myself in a new place these days. Before every baby I saw reminded me of where Addi would be (age wise) and while that still happens it has changed. Before I would look at little babies and know that's where I should be now I find myself stunned because that isn't where I would be. The infant stage would be gone and we missed every.single.second of it.

I look at babies now and think about how my little girl should be at that stage too until I remember she would be much bigger than she is in my mind. The 8 month olds I see have so much personality and their little faces and bodies have made so many changes while the image I have of Addison hasn't changed one bit. I have to remind myself when I see new babies that isn't where we would be. It's a new kind of reality check.

I have a hard time looking at babies older than 6 months because, I can't see myself there as much. I am forever trapped in the mind set of an infant. While most parents tell their children they will always be their babies, Addi will in fact ALWAYS be our baby, her face will always be so sweet and innocent and her body will remain in my mind as that 8lb 21 3/4inch little, but not too little body.

To torture myself further I read about the things and 8 month old would be doing. Playing patty-cake, peek-a-boo, saying things like mamamama or dadadada, maybe even crawling. As much as I know I am missing out on all of that, it's hard to imagine being at that stage already.

At 8 months, I am more sensitive to pregnant women, babies etc. I have taken a break from Facebook and in general am just surprised that things are bothering me now that didn't bother me before. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that we are trying for another baby at this point in our lives. I had never planned on a second baby so soon. Honestly, everything in my life was planned out pre-Addi and now not much more than a month is planned out. I just can't.

Eight months. Wow. Time flies when you are not having fun. It flies and it stands still...so very, very still. I'm feeling very somber today. Just missing what should have been. Today is Brian's day off so it would have been an Addi and daddy day. Instead Brian is going rafting with friends because well...he can. That's one of the things you can do when you don't have a baby to take care of.

Eight months feels so much closer to her birthday than her birth-day. It's a weird reality and I have had days where I have accepted this as my life and days I still fight like hell against it. Like if I replay the last week of her life in my head enough then maybe just maybe it will have a different outcome. If only that were true.

My sweet girl,
I can't believe we have spent 8 months apart from each other. Most mothers have trouble being away from their children overnight and yet we will spend a lifetime apart before we meet again. I don't know what I thought 8 months would bring, but each month surprises me with new emotions. I know I say this all the time, but I just miss you so. I miss you today, I missed you yesterday and I will miss you tomorrow. The lump in my throat is growing so I may have to cut this short. Just know if there was a way I could have changed the outcome of your story it would have been changed a million times over. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for you. There is nothing I won't do for you. Daddy loves you, your papa, grandma, uncle, auntie, friends, etc. love you and of course I love you.

I had a thought driving home yesterday. A silly thought, but it ran through my mind, I was thinking of you up there in heaven hanging out with your Grammy Eloise. I suddenly worried about what you were wearing. Like what kind of clothes you have up there in heaven. I know Eloise was slightly hippy and I thought, Oh God don't let her put Birkenstocks and tie die on you. So let grammy know that mommy wants only dresses and cozy sleepers for you. I know I really do worry about everything. Daddy likes the idea of you being slightly hippy so I guess what I don't know won't hurt me...Have a good snuggle with grammy today and know if we could get to you, we would.

Loving you always,
mommy

11 comments:

  1. Hugs and hugs and hugs. I hate that it's been such a hard 8 months for you. It makes me so sad that Addition isn't reaching those milestones with you. And I really hate that my Truman is such an awful reminder of what should be instead of being her playmate like we planned. It feels like just yesterday to me, so I can only imagine how fresh it still is for you. So, so, so unfair. Sending warm thoughts to you today, Mama.

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  2. I should have clarified that Truman and Gwen are the exception to the rule. While it is hard to miss out on playgroups with you guys. Seeing those two grow gives me hope and makes me feel closer to Addi, their reminders are more sweet than bitter <3 YOU are appreciated, thanks for missing Addi with us!

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  3. Thinking about you today! Hope you can have a good day thinking good things about Addi. You'll be in my thoughts today!

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  4. This just keeps sucking. It's so awful to know that our family will never be whole again. I miss you Addi, always and forever.

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  5. :( 8 months is hard... thinking of you

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  6. Thinking of you and Addi today...

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  7. I wish I could say something to help it all feel lighter. Instead, I can tell you that I, too have thought about what my baby would be doing at this stage...It is torturous to read those things, all those precious things we wanted so very badly with our sweet girls!

    Thinking of you as you continue on this sad journey. Sending lots of love!

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  8. Time flies AND stands still. It's so true.

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  9. Only a couple of weeks behind you and was nodding along most of the way reading this. My hearts breaks for you and yours, as it does for our Joseph.
    I see magazine covers with baby pictures plastered all over them, especially celeb babies born in December 2010 and they are a constant reminder of what our babies should be doing at 8 months/nearly 8 months. Some days I have the strength to read that stuff, others I have to look away.
    What a beautiful letter to your Addison at the end there. How missed she is.
    xo

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  10. I lit a candle in my hotel room.

    What mother has to take a tealight and matches on vacation with her just so she can remember her son. It's sort of pathetic... not that I have to do it, but it's just one of those things that makes it all the more real. I don't do balloons but decided a candle would be easy enough-- but man was that depressing. As if 8 months isn't hard enough.

    Not sure this is getting any easier if I'm being really honest. :(

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