This weekend Brian and I got to be a part of a beautiful wedding for two very dear friends. Brian and my brother were groomsmen and it was a special day for all of us. This particular couple happened to have their first dance at our wedding and the bride even caught my bouquet almost exactly 3 years ago.
At the rehearsal the bride's mother came up to me and said something I will never forget. She said don't you just love weddings. It reminds you of your own and how much you thought you loved your husband on that day and now after some time how much you REALLY love each other and how you would pick him all over again. Weddings have changed for me like that too. I thought I loved Brian on our wedding day, but yesterday seeing him stand up there with the bride and groom I was so proud to say he was mine. I am so in love with that man who is my daughter's father.
My wish for the bride and the groom is that they can grow in their love as we have and that their lives contain more joy than sorrow. When sorrow comes may they hold on like hell to one another because together they will make it.
During the rehearsal I held a baby (boy) who was born less than two months before Addison. There was lots to be done and it was a small way I could help. I feel like I get extra looks when I am around babies (people wondering what I will do, cry, run away with the baby, etc.). People kept asking if I was ok holding him and I kept saying I was because I was...I would have given him back if I couldn't handle it. I held him yesterday at the wedding too.
This morning I woke and my "baby muscle" is sore. You know how after you hold a baby on one side for a long time that muscle in your arm actually gets sore. I had forgotten about how that happens. If Addi were here it would have been used to the weight of a baby. My arms usually feel empty and ache for Addi, but today they physically ache. It's not something I am crying about it just makes me miss Addi in a different way. This baby boy LOVED my Addi necklace and every time he reached for it I thought about how they should be playing together, but instead of being able to entertain each other I was entertaining him.
Something else happened at the rehearsal. For the first time I had someone ask me "is that a footprint on your necklace"? I answered yes. I was surprised this woman noticed because we were sitting across the aisle from each other plus no one has ever said anything about it to me that didn't know. As I was smiling to myself she did something that really shocked me...she then asked "did you lose a baby" I was like "uh umm uh yes, I did". Turns out she is a NICU nurse and had helped by putting bereavement packages together.
I hate that my truth is that I did lose a baby, but somehow it was extremely comforting to me that a stranger knew just by my necklace.