Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sore baby muscle

This weekend Brian and I got to be a part of a beautiful wedding for two very dear friends. Brian and my brother were groomsmen and it was a special day for all of us. This particular couple happened to have their first dance at our wedding and the bride even caught my bouquet almost exactly 3 years ago.

At the rehearsal the bride's mother came up to me and said something I will never forget. She said don't you just love weddings. It reminds you of your own and how much you thought you loved your husband on that day and now after some time how much you REALLY love each other and how you would pick him all over again. Weddings have changed for me like that too. I thought I loved Brian on our wedding day, but yesterday seeing him stand up there with the bride and groom I was so proud to say he was mine. I am so in love with that man who is my daughter's father.

My wish for the bride and the groom is that they can grow in their love as we have and that their lives contain more joy than sorrow. When sorrow comes may they hold on like hell to one another because together they will make it.

During the rehearsal I held a baby (boy) who was born less than two months before Addison. There was lots to be done and it was a small way I could help. I feel like I get extra looks when I am around babies (people wondering what I will do, cry, run away with the baby, etc.). People kept asking if I was ok holding him and I kept saying I was because I was...I would have given him back if I couldn't handle it. I held him yesterday at the wedding too.

This morning I woke and my "baby muscle" is sore. You know how after you hold a baby on one side for a long time that muscle in your arm actually gets sore. I had forgotten about how that happens. If Addi were here it would have been used to the weight of a baby. My arms usually feel empty and ache for Addi, but today they physically ache. It's not something I am crying about it just makes me miss Addi in a different way. This baby boy LOVED my Addi necklace and every time he reached for it I thought about how they should be playing together, but instead of being able to entertain each other I was entertaining him.

Something else happened at the rehearsal. For the first time I had someone ask me "is that a footprint on your necklace"? I answered yes. I was surprised this woman noticed because we were sitting across the aisle from each other plus no one has ever said anything about it to me that didn't know. As I was smiling to myself she did something that really shocked me...she then asked "did you lose a baby" I was like "uh umm uh yes, I did". Turns out she is a NICU nurse and had helped by putting bereavement packages together.

I hate that my truth is that I did lose a baby, but somehow it was extremely comforting to me that a stranger knew just by my necklace.


  1. I remember the day and where I was when a lady commented to me about my necklace with Leia's name. It meant so much to me that she said something about it. We didn't get into particulars but my date is on the necklace and since I was all alone maybe she knew. It is the little things that mean the most. Thinking of you and your Addi and hugs to you this last Sunday of July.

  2. It's strange how some people can be so blunt with their questions and then in the end they had nothing but the best intentions. When I was 24 weeks pregnant with Emily we were in Hawaii at a spot we had been also when I was 16 weeks pregnant with Addi. A woman about my mothers age was sitting and talking to my husband as I walked up to him on the beach outside our room. I was 24 weeks so I was showing. She looked at me and then said to my husband, "You are having a baby? How exciting! Is it your first?" I hesitated (cause I never say yes, I always tell people about Addi) but in this moment my brain paused and told me to pick my battles. So I kinda stumbled and said yes. Then she immediately said, "You've lost a baby before haven't you?" We said yes and explained our story. I told her I don't normally pretend it was my first but I was trying to avoid something that deep with such a stranger. So she went on to say she knew right away when I answered that I was lying and why I was because she had a son born who lived a short time and then passed away from if I remember correctly one of the Trisomy issues. So we shared a little about our angels and went our separate ways. It's just funny how we can stand out to certain people without even trying.

  3. Wow, I think you're amazing to hold a baby. I can't even look at babies around 7 months old.

    And the NICU nurse noticing your necklace and ackoweldging your baby loss. That's amazing and something we kind of hope for don't you think? I know I do. I hope it gave an opening in conversation for you to talk about Addison. x

  4. Proud of you for holding a baby! I still haven't touched a baby since losing Caroline. I'm hoping that's something that I can work up to, but honestly, it intimidates the poo out of me!

    I have a Caroline necklace, and it always makes me so happy when someone notices it. I'm glad that some people aren't too scared to say something about our sweet girls!

  5. I love it when people ask about my jewelry. As long as they don't freak out when i tell them about it. Good for u for holding a baby. I hate those looks we get tho.

  6. Makes me want to order a necklace immediately! I have been meaning to buy one, but can't seem to find the perfect, "it" one. Ya know? Like... I want it to be super special and not just because I want something.

    And you are totally strong for holding that baby! I can't even look at them, still. Went to a bridal shower Friday night and although babies were not supposed to be there, one was. At a bridal shower. Knowing I was there. Don't get me started. Anyway, I couldn't stand it and sat across the room and tried to avoid the carseat and baby noises. Silly things like carseats send me over the edge. I have one and a baby has never even touched it. My baby. Never touched it.

    So it stung. You're incredible. And I'm proud of you. Glad you were able to talk about Addi. I bet that felt incredible. :)

  7. Oh the necklace story brought tears to my eyes. Love that. Since Eliza died, I've held a baby boy who's three months older than she would be and I was surprised by how ok it felt. Babies don't make me sad specifically--not having mine makes me sad. I would still probably avoid them if given the choice, but I was glad to know that I didn't have to fall apart. I could just hold the baby and miss Eliza and manage to survive the moment.

  8. Gteat post! I read it earlier today and just came back to it again now. I also feel like I get extra looks when I hold a baby and it's an odd feeling. But I do it anyway! One day it has to stop being awkward, right? And I also can relate to the sore baby muscle...crazy, but true.

  9. Love that the nurse recognized the significance of the footprint necklace.

    One thing I know for sure, love my husband so freaking fiercely. I love my baby daddy too ;)