Monday, July 18, 2011

On an Island

I have talked before about how my parents live on a lake, but even better than that they live on an island...really an actual island that you cross a bridge to get to. There are less than 30 houses on it so it is a very tight knit community.

It was the best neighborhood to grow up in and everyone really watches out for each other. Every summer they have a picnic for everyone to get together. My siblings and I always go because even though we don't all live there anymore these people are our friends and have watched us grow up. Last year it was announced that we were expecting a little girl and I wasn't sure how many people knew our story.

I was worried about who would ask/how they would ask/how I would word my answers, but I knew I just had to go and figure out my answers as needed. I had two people bring up Addison and that was it. I was a little disappointed that no one else said anything. I got a lot of "looks" and "sad" hugs, but that was it. It felt as if she was never really here.

The worst part of the picnic was that even though all of the island kids have grown up this year there are new families on the island and we are not one of them. There were lots of little ones and we should have been in that club, but we weren't. The parents stayed on the side watching their kids play together, talking and exchanging kid stories and we were with the non-kid people. I have never felt more kicked out of the club.

I wanted to talk to the three new moms and be a part of that group, but I knew any information I shared would just lead to questions and then I would have to tell them our sad news. One mom was pregnant, but I didn't ask her due date or any baby related questions. I should have been able to share pregnancy stories, but who wants to hear about one that ended in a dead baby. It makes me feel like because I didn't have a live baby, I don't get to share my experiences because in their eyes my pregnancy failed so it is null and void.

I just hate that we miss out on so much and just when I think the list of things we are missing out on can't get any longer I find something else to add.  Even something as silly as chit chatting in the mom club.

I definitely felt like I was on an island.

4 comments:

  1. I find that even sometimes the people who know my story cringe a bit when I join into pregnancy stories. But darn it (I'm being polite here),,, I was pregnant for 36 weeks and I am a part of the club. I deserve to be able to join the conversation.

    I am sorry you felt so left out. Hugs.

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  2. I hesitate to with people I am not extremely comfortable with, but with others I make comparison's to Logan's pregnancy all the time ( and I have 3 other one's I could use instead). I think even when we have our rainbow's we will still be on the outside looking in

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  3. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I read your Addi's story and sat at work with tears in my eyes. It doesn't matter that I've gone through it myself, to read what you went through still makes my heart break for you. I can't imagine going for a NST and having that happen. When I lost my Addi, we went to the hospital BECAUSE I couldn't feel her and couldn't find a heartbeat. But that heart-racing, devistation, life altering moment you have when you are told your baby doesn't have a heartbeat.....there's just no way to prepare for it. Even in my situation where I knew in my heart something was seriously wrong. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweeet girl. And maybe I feel even more of a connection to your story since both of our girls are named Addison.
    I hated that some people chose to treat me as if I wasn't a mother or a "part of the club" because my baby died. I totally understand that. And I would get really angry when people would talk to me as if my pregnancy with Emily was my first or that she is my first born. I am not afraid to correct people. I honestly don't care how awkward I make a situation by answering truthfully. If you didn't want to know how many children I really have then you shouldn't have asked. I like to look at it like I'm teaching people a lesson. My experience with pregnancies, how many children I have, whether I will "decide" to have more.....it's not their business. And it does suck to have to sit there not saying anything to a pregnant woman because you don't want to scare the crap out of her with what could happen. So you just have to sit there and watch as she acts like she's in the clear and on top of the world. Hopefully for most they won't know what we have had to know. It's just our world and the hand we were dealt.

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  4. I really relate to the not being able to talk about being pregnant feeling. I can see that it visibly makes people uncomfortable when I bring it up, but it it still a part of my story!!

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