Monday, July 11, 2011

Finding pieces of old me

I had a weird thought this was another good week and I couldn't believe I would be so lucky to have another good week. It stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought about the fact that it was so unusual to have had a bunch of good days in a row whereas before December it would be weird to have several bad days in a row. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be sad all day every day.

There have been sad parts and pieces just not any all consuming days recently. I feel lucky to have had these days, but am also weary of what is to come...this is how I live my life.

I continue to miss Addison all day every day, but I guess this month I have resigned myself to knowing that this IS my life. I switch between the thoughts that Addison SHOULD be here in our daily routines to knowing that she can't be here. Maybe the biggest difference is that I don't feel so angry this month. I know the anger isn't gone just dormant.

My dad bought a new inner tube for the lake this weekend. I tried to reclaim a piece of my old self by going tubing with my siblings. Unfortunately it was just an even bigger reminder that I am NOT in that place anymore. We had a good time UNTIL the three of us went flying off the tube into the water...I had forgotten what it felt like to have water go up your nose, in your eyes and ears and how easily your body is thrown like a rag doll. Let’s just say that was probably the last time I will do that again unless of course a few years down the road I forget and need another reminder!

I am sore today from hanging on so tight to that darn thing and my neck is tight. I believe a trip to the chiropractor is in order. My chance at reclaiming the "fun me" = epic fail! On a nice note Brian bought some beer to take to a BBQ yesterday and even though Brian was the one buying it I got carded! Thank you Mr. check out stand worker, you made this 27 year old feel pretty good! On the other hand poor Brian was not carded...can't win 'em all!

At the BBQ one of Brian's friends/co-workers started up his sentence by saying "not to bring up something sad" (can I just say I don't really like that, I like when Addison is brought up so it's ok not to preface the fact that we are about to talk about her). In spite of that I was glad he brought her up, I appreciate when people do.

He went on to say that at Addison's service when the time was offered for people to speak that he wanted to say something and just wasn't able to. He wanted to tell us what he would have said. He said that he wanted to say something about Brian and I so he wasn't sure it was appropriate. He said that you can really tell a man's true character when he is in the presence of only other men and the way he talks about his wife/family. He said it was so clear to him that Brian loves and respects me and that we have an enviable kind of love and he was so happy that we have each other.

I love that he said that. I know that Brian loves me, but what a nice thing to hear from someone on the outside. It also struck me as a crazy thought that we have something other people would envy. I feel like our lives are so un-enviable and this loss of our daughter will forever be a mark on what could have been a "perfect" life, but he is right. We are so lucky to have each other.

We had a great time, laughed with good friends, ate delicious food and drank a little too much. It's days like this that trick me into thinking that I found a piece of my old self it may only last for a moment, but oh what a moment.


  1. I am so glad you had a good weekend. It brought tears to my eyes knowing that someone else has the same feelings I do from time to time...that it always doesn't have to be doom and gloom and that it is okay for that to happen without it being laced with guilt.

    BTW- Absolutely love that you went public with your blog. It's a big step :)

  2. I love that Brian's friend shared that with you. What a sweetheart. You absolutely deserve to hear such wonderful things even if our lives are un-enviable as you said.

    How wonderful that must make you feel that others see your incredible marriage and happiness together.

  3. I just found your "public" blog. I was forever forgetting to check it and now that I can add it to my page it will make it easier for me to keep up with your posts. I hope you have a good week.

  4. You and Brian are ridiculous for each other!! :) I really don't think you could have found someone better for you.... seriously. And, you do have a love that is to be envious about... you guys are good for each other and you don't see that type of love too much. I love Brian and really appreciate how much he cares for you. Someone has to when "Carl Baby" isn't around. He's lucky he met my standards. :p