Thursday, June 9, 2011

Today's Dentist Appointment

I was a month overdue for my biyearly cleaning, which means the last time I was at the dentist was just a few weeks before Addison was born. I was hugely pregnant and the hygienist was slightly annoyed that she couldn't take the x-rays for my chart.

This time I knew I would have a new hygienist because my friend Sarah had applied for a job there and didn't get it (after moving from TX she didn’t have all her WA stuff this office wanted). I was already going in with the thought that I would hate this new hygienist. I mean they totally missed out on having Sarah!

I thought maybe she wouldn't ask about Addison since she didn't know me before, but of course my history was in my chart. As I sat in the waiting room my heart started to race (I don't have a fear of the dentist, I have I'm going to have to break the news my baby died phobia)!

All I could think about was how I would tell this poor unsuspecting soul and that the last time I was in this office Addi was with me :(

The hygienist brought me back and our conversation goes like this:

hygienist -Do you have any changes in your medical history?

Me-(I paused)

hygienist -(she looked at me like I didn't understand so she speaks slowly) you know like a change in medications or any surgeries.

Me-I thought carefully and answered "no" because I have no changes in medications and I did not have a surgery. I thought oh, she isn't going to ask me!

hygienist - OH! It says here you were pregnant last time! Congratulations!!!! How are things? (She looked at me with the most excitement in her face I have seen on someone for a long time...I hated to have to tell her).

me-well actually we didn't get the happy ending we were hoping for.

hygienist -Oh my gosh, what happened???

me-(my usual spiel)

hygienist -(eyes fill up with tears) I'm so sorry

me-(think to myself, crap, I can't hate her anymore plus Sarah got a better job so I’m sure she wouldn’t mind).

She then goes on to tell me about how something similar happened to an acquaintance of hers that she heard about on Facebook and how sad everyone is...I thought yep, they are sad alright!

She asked me if I was "ok" talking about this and I told her I was. I also explained how that there are days like today when I can talk about it and not cry, but there are other days, I am not able to. Thankfully for her this was a no crying day...I don't think she would have been ok, if I had been crying.

As it was the more she talked to me the more her hands were shaking in my mouth (yes, I noticed). Poor girl...well poor me! She kept asking me questions that I couldn't really answer with her hands in my mouth so I did a lot of mm hmms. At one point she tells me that she likes to stay positive about things and that this had to have happened for a reason even though we don't know it and that God must have needed Addi and that now I have a guardian angel to watch over me...(I'm thinking get your hands out of my mouth because we need talk about this one). I made no noises as she said that and she didn't take her hands out of my mouth for a long time after that.

By the time I could talk again the moment had passed and it seemed inappropriate to go back to those words...so I let it go. I hate that I did, but I know she meant well. I just wanted to tell her that I don't believe babies die for a reason and that the last thing I want is for Addi to be watching over me when I should be watching over her.

I'm sure I totally ruined her day and she will be thinking about my story all day, but I would so much rather be in her shoes of hearing this story instead of living it.

When I left she put her hand on my shoulder and said something (I can’t really remember), but something along the lines of I hope your day goes ok. 

She left me with the scheduler and she wanted to make an appointment to clean my teeth in another 6 months. She says "that puts us in December, what day do you want" December, December, that's all I heard. I couldn't deal with that. I told her I would have to call back and make an appointment. Oh, God just looking at my December calendar. I was not prepared for that.

She looked at me all confused as I am sure all the color drained from my face, December, December, December. I have no idea what is in store for me in these next 6 months. I haven't really thought about it, I am too focused on today. Six more months until Addi's 1st birthday, ugh that sinks my heart even further...What if I still am not pregnant by then...what if I am pregnant by then...a whole year without my baby....December, December, December, I can't stop saying it.

I really have been having an ok week so far, I don't think this will set me back; it just hit me when I didn't expect the end of the appointment to be a problem. I thought the worst was over so I let my guard down...dang, see what happens when I try to relax for a minute!

I'm glad we have a support group meeting tonight; I think it's a good night for one!

On a positive note, I am cavity free! At least I got that going for me!

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