Thursday, June 30, 2011

Survey Says...

...NOT pregnant.

I'm actually not as upset as I thought I would be. I mean I am disappointed for sure, but I really didn't believe it would happen on the first try...nothing happens that easy for us. Plus I know there are only a few weeks until we can try again and if I split up the month like that it's easier to visualize...the dates are already marked on calendar...don't judge me...ok judge me a little.

Last night was my sister's birthday so I took a test before leaving to go out to dinner with the group. I waited and saw the first line come up right away, I just kept thinking come on second line! One minute....one line...two minutes...one line....3 minutes...one line...15 minutes...still one line, I think after 15 minutes it finally sunk in that there wasn't going to be a second line. I was hoping to get those two lines so I would officially have a "ticket" into Crazyland as Darcey calls it. The place all of us BLM's go when we are expecting because no pregnancy after a loss is anywhere near the blissful experience of our first one.

Don't get me wrong I feel plenty crazy enough all ready with all the worrying I do, but until I get that positive pregnancy test I just sit right outside the gates of Crazyland waiting to get in.

Something else crappy about trying to conceive is that my body plays all these mean tricks on me. Like pregnancy symptoms up the ying yang! Sore breasts, nausea, fatigue, phantom movements etc. I could go on and on.

The last couple weeks have actually been really good as far as weeks go emotionally. Maybe even the longest stretch of "good days" I have had. Every day I find myself asking if today will be the day the "ugly cry" comes back and each time I get through the day without it I am very pleased with myself!

I am always extra sensitive around the 4th and 5th of the month, holidays and when I am on my period and lucky for me I get all 3 this weekend...awesome. It's already starting, I can feel it. Plus I was doing great today until Brian called me at work and wanted me to make a decision on the memorial plaque a friend is making for Addison for the lake house. He gets really frustrated when I don't have an immediate answer. He is a now or never kind of person and I can't be like that when it comes to Addison. She still doesn't have a headstone for goodness sake.

To Brian's credit it is something we have been talking about for a while now, but now all the sudden the "take your time" mentality is gone and he wants it now because his friend is wanting to start our project. I just can't handle a big decision like that when a quick answer is needed. To top it off even though Brian said it was ok to wait until tonight to discuss that's not what the tone in his voice said. Needless to say it left me upset over the conversation and fighting the tears at work. I know he didn't mean to upset me, but sometimes I wish he could read my mind and know when I can't handle anymore.

I guess one reason I was doing really good these couple weeks is because I haven't been allowing myself to think about how sad everything really is (I think about Addi plenty, but just not the heaviness of our loss). I almost feel like a bi stander, like you non-baby loss people who can read my blog, feel sad for us and then move on to the rest of your day is how I have tried to be. Sad for a moment and then go about my day.

Well that only works for so long and then I fall back in the grief pit because it is not someone else's story...it's my story. Things like memorial plaques, headstones, dead babies are all my reality and it's time to fall back in to the pit deal with the things I need to deal with and hopefully I can climb back out of the pit sooner rather than later. The less time I spend in there the better, but the time spent in there is important because it allows me to have good days when I do make it out.

I put a bottle of this in the fridge a two weeks ago in anticipation of a negative pregnancy test. I was hoping not to be able to drink it, but since I am not pregnant I will be enjoying a glass or three this evening.

This is my favorite wine of all time, it's sweet and delicious. It's not really a "real" wine like you fancy people drink, but it's the only one I have ever really enjoyed. It costs $7-12 depending where you get it (I know I really spring for the expensive wine lol), and they recently changed to a screw top so now I feel even more classy when I drink it ha! Oh well I like it and that's what matters so bite me you snobby wine drinkers! :)

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