Saturday, June 4, 2011

No baby on board

My favorite day of the year has always been the day the boat goes in the water. It means summer is here and life is good. It happened last weekend, but I ignored it. The boat wasn't working right and it was not so nice outside so it was easy(ish) to ignore. I pulled up to the lake and saw everyone working on the boat the tears started to come so I booked it up to the house and away from the boat ASAP. That was the end of that.

This weekend marks the nicest weekend Olympia has had all's 81 degrees today! Yesterday was Brian's day off so he was out on the lake all day with my brother. As I was leaving work all I could think about was that I would be getting on the boat...but I wasn't excited about it.

When we put the boat away at the end of summer I had a nice baby bump going on and loved the thought of our little girl on the boat with us. I was anxious for last summer to hurry and be over so we could fast forward to this summer where we would have a 6 month old to take on the boat...

My dad winterized the boat and I dreamed about the next time I would be getting on the boat I would be doing it with our daughter. My siblings and I are all lake babies. We grew up spending every summer on the lake and nothing put us to sleep better than a boat ride. My parents traded in their "normal" boat for a party's the PERFECT family boat! Room for everyone AND we ski, inner tube, wakeboard etc. behind this bad boy. No one thought you could do those things with this boat, but you can!

I thought about how it's been 18 years since the last baby of our family was on a boat and how THIS should be the summer. The more I thought about it the more I cried (my car is such a great place to do some serious crying). I thought about how I should be so jealous that Brian would be at the lake with Addison for her first real lake day without me. I would have been worried that he would have her on the boat without me and that he wouldn't be putting enough sun screen on her or making sure her floppy hat was covering her neck and face, but instead I was worried about just simply getting on the boat without crying.

Brian and my brother were on the lake when I got there so I had a few minutes to cry alone before they pulled into the dock and then there it was. I had to sit on the dock for a bit before I could actually get on the boat...I can't tell you how much it bothered me that this was missing.

The boat is in the water, but there is no baby on board.

Last night was a hard one and today has been no easier. It doesn't help that I know FOR SURE that I am not pregnant this week and that 6 months ago today my baby died and tomorrow is the 5th, the day I gave birth AND that this lands exactly on a Saturday and Sunday...just like it did 6 months ago...SIX MONTHS. I can't even write about what that means to me...I will try to do it tomorrow, but I can tell you it is much harder than I thought it would be.

I spent an hour on the boat today and then had to go's 81 degrees outside and I am inside blogging...there is something seriously wrong with that, but it's all I have energy for, a nap may soon follow.

The only thing worse than feeling the way I do its being told that some people I love think I am going backwards...ouch. I feel like everyday I move forward and even if I am breaking down and crying I am STILL getting out of bed EVERYDAY and living whether I feel like crap or not.

I think I tried to be too strong in front of people in the beginning and now that I am not "better" people are confused. I feel like I been pretty even with my emotions and the fact that I still cry now is confusing to people I feel like I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.

I have been told my blog is shit, my baby died. This is not a blog about sunshine and freaking butterflies. It makes me want to stop writing, but I know it helps me so I can't.

I am doing the best I can...really I am. If I forced any more I would really be a mess. I hate that I feel like I have to explain myself, but I feel like I am on the defense. When you add those feelings into regular grief feelings it's a bad bad combination and so I cry and cry...

I am thankful for other baby loss mom blogs. You ladies let me know that my feelings are normal and as hard as it is having my family question where I am at, you let me know that I am not alone.

So yes, my blog is sad, but what isn't sad about a baby dying?!? I am taking steps forward whether you think so or not.


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