Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Birthday blues...or not

I've been doing a lot of my "pre-stressing" especially last week in anticipation of the many family functions we have had. I knew my birthday this year would not be the birthday I had hoped for.  It just doesn't feel like there is much to celebrate. I had planned on being a mom by 27 and while I am still a mom, I am not the kind of mom I wanted to be (you know, the kind that mothers a live baby).

When I thought about my birthday, it was just another day that was immensely sad because my biggest wish would not be coming true. Without Addison, I just didn't want to celebrate. It's not that I care so much about the number (although it does feel weird to be so close to 30) just that my birthday last year had so much promise. I was pregnant and happy and it was a dream come true. This year I find myself dreaming smaller and only looking as far ahead as I can see with the naked eye.

Everyone kept asking what I wanted to do for my birthday and my answer was always "nothing". I really just wanted to pretend it was any old regular day. Brian and I both had to work and the weather has been hit or miss. The more I was asked about it the more I just kept having that one song playing over and over in my head (It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to if it happened to you). I swear I have more songs running through my head...it's like a frickin' musical in here!

It just seemed plain and simple, if I can't have my baby, I don't want anything at all.

This morning I woke up and only asked one thing of Brian. I asked him to take care of all things dog. I didn't want to deal with them at all. Normally we share the responsibilities, but I got a free pass this morning...who's idea was it to have so many (3) anyways?!? Someday I'll explain our reasoning for those that don't know, but it wasn't on purpose that's for sure! I do love them, but no sane person has more than two dogs...one dog stands between me and and having a "normal" amount of dogs...any takers? Just kidding well not really, but yes...gah!

Just before I went to bed last night it occurred to me that I should take my birthday off of Facebook, but figured I would do it early this morning. When I got up it was too late, I had 36 emails from people wishing me Happy Birthday...oops I guess it wasn't going to go unnoticed.

The whole way to work I kept thinking, just get through the day. A couple hours into work something magical happened...my boss told me to go home at noon and enjoy the day (totally unexpected)! It happens to be one of the nicest days we have had...I can't remember the last first day of summer (June 21st) that has been nice, it ALWAYS rains or is overcast on my birthday! And just like that my day didn't suck anymore.

I'm still sad this birthday isn't what it should be, that Addi isn't here to enjoy this day with me. My attitude has changed, I no longer expect things to be good, I just hope things don't suck as bad as I think they will and so far today doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. Who knows maybe by 28 Addi will have a little sister...or brother (or both...I vote for both)! It blows my mind what a year can bring or for that matter take away.

So I sit here at the lake, on a beach towel, in the grass typing away in the sun and who knows maybe this birthday is the start of something new...I wouldn't put money on it, but it's possible!

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