Thursday, June 30, 2011

Survey Says...

...NOT pregnant.

I'm actually not as upset as I thought I would be. I mean I am disappointed for sure, but I really didn't believe it would happen on the first try...nothing happens that easy for us. Plus I know there are only a few weeks until we can try again and if I split up the month like that it's easier to visualize...the dates are already marked on calendar...don't judge me...ok judge me a little.

Last night was my sister's birthday so I took a test before leaving to go out to dinner with the group. I waited and saw the first line come up right away, I just kept thinking come on second line! One line...two line....3 line...15 minutes...still one line, I think after 15 minutes it finally sunk in that there wasn't going to be a second line. I was hoping to get those two lines so I would officially have a "ticket" into Crazyland as Darcey calls it. The place all of us BLM's go when we are expecting because no pregnancy after a loss is anywhere near the blissful experience of our first one.

Don't get me wrong I feel plenty crazy enough all ready with all the worrying I do, but until I get that positive pregnancy test I just sit right outside the gates of Crazyland waiting to get in.

Something else crappy about trying to conceive is that my body plays all these mean tricks on me. Like pregnancy symptoms up the ying yang! Sore breasts, nausea, fatigue, phantom movements etc. I could go on and on.

The last couple weeks have actually been really good as far as weeks go emotionally. Maybe even the longest stretch of "good days" I have had. Every day I find myself asking if today will be the day the "ugly cry" comes back and each time I get through the day without it I am very pleased with myself!

I am always extra sensitive around the 4th and 5th of the month, holidays and when I am on my period and lucky for me I get all 3 this weekend...awesome. It's already starting, I can feel it. Plus I was doing great today until Brian called me at work and wanted me to make a decision on the memorial plaque a friend is making for Addison for the lake house. He gets really frustrated when I don't have an immediate answer. He is a now or never kind of person and I can't be like that when it comes to Addison. She still doesn't have a headstone for goodness sake.

To Brian's credit it is something we have been talking about for a while now, but now all the sudden the "take your time" mentality is gone and he wants it now because his friend is wanting to start our project. I just can't handle a big decision like that when a quick answer is needed. To top it off even though Brian said it was ok to wait until tonight to discuss that's not what the tone in his voice said. Needless to say it left me upset over the conversation and fighting the tears at work. I know he didn't mean to upset me, but sometimes I wish he could read my mind and know when I can't handle anymore.

I guess one reason I was doing really good these couple weeks is because I haven't been allowing myself to think about how sad everything really is (I think about Addi plenty, but just not the heaviness of our loss). I almost feel like a bi stander, like you non-baby loss people who can read my blog, feel sad for us and then move on to the rest of your day is how I have tried to be. Sad for a moment and then go about my day.

Well that only works for so long and then I fall back in the grief pit because it is not someone else's's my story. Things like memorial plaques, headstones, dead babies are all my reality and it's time to fall back in to the pit deal with the things I need to deal with and hopefully I can climb back out of the pit sooner rather than later. The less time I spend in there the better, but the time spent in there is important because it allows me to have good days when I do make it out.

I put a bottle of this in the fridge a two weeks ago in anticipation of a negative pregnancy test. I was hoping not to be able to drink it, but since I am not pregnant I will be enjoying a glass or three this evening.

This is my favorite wine of all time, it's sweet and delicious. It's not really a "real" wine like you fancy people drink, but it's the only one I have ever really enjoyed. It costs $7-12 depending where you get it (I know I really spring for the expensive wine lol), and they recently changed to a screw top so now I feel even more classy when I drink it ha! Oh well I like it and that's what matters so bite me you snobby wine drinkers! :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Work related run-ins

A client came into work, conversation goes like this:

client- How's the whole baby life going?

me- Not so good

client- Oh that's too bad

me- (think quietly to myself...if you only knew)

client moves on to his own problems...whew!

Client No. 2

client-how's the baby?

me-actually we weren't able to bring her home from the hospital

client-OH, I'm so sorry (looks down stops all eye contact)

me-please don't feel bad, I appreciate you asking.

client-moves on to his own issue, never retains eye contact and books it out of the office AWKWARD!!

It's 6 months later and I am still having to tell people who knew I was pregnant and it isn't getting easier, it still sucks every time :( I hate seeing that horrified look on people's faces. I am the total barer of bad news and I didn't sign up for that. Just once I would love to not suck the air out of the room with my story. My first thought whenever someone asks me is "sorry sucker, I'm about to ruin your day"! Yuck!

Now I am feeling a rant coming on, so be warned!

Today I had a client call in who doesn't know and she is mad about this or that and she starts in on ME (she is mad and I happened to answer the phone so she is going to make me pay). She starts telling me about how I don't understand what it's like to go without and how would I like it if what happened to her happened to me and that she just has so much going on right now she doesn't need this extra stress (I would also like to note that the only reason she is a pickle is because SHE did not take the steps we told her to and caused all of the problems for herself, but of course she doesn't see things that way). I can feel my face turning red and my heart racing. I SO BADLY wanted to say "listen lady I guarantee if we put our problems in a pile you would be BEGGING for yours back"! It took everything I had not to tell her what a real problem was and that she should be thanking God for the "problem" in her life.

I hate some people!

Shortly after this conversation I get a text from my sister Alisa. It starts off really nice. One of her co-workers asked her to tell me she was thinking of me. I thought that was super nice and it really made me feel good.

The second text from Alisa goes like this (I will type it exactly as I got it) "It was until she went on to ask if you would try again, and that she hoped we understood that everything happens for a reason. My response was less than polite"

Next text from her says "I am actually writing her an apology right now because I think I went overboard a little. Whoops.

Ok, can I just say right now how much I LOVE my sister! I love that my family won't just let well meaning morons say crap like that. After reading her text I was cracking up and had to call her ASAP to hear what she said to her. I couldn't help, but laugh because I can just picture my sister going all crazy in that "oh no she didn't" finger snapping kind of way.

I told her that society wants to turn everything into a positive because it makes THEM feel better when in all reality there is NOTHING positive about a baby dying and it just hurts us to hear those things. Why can't people just say, wow what happened to you guys really sucks and I'm sorry...then leave it at that!

Then she sent me a message telling me that was a super wise statement and I should blog about it...I responded...I am blogging right now haha. Then she wanted to know if she would be mentioned in the blog and reminded me how to spell her name "A-U-N-T-I-E   A-L-I-S-A. Seriously she cracks me up!

It's so true though. Society can't handle that a baby can just die without there being a real reason to wrap their heads around. I am here to tell you that Addison was PERFECT! I did everything right and Addi wasn't sick or hurting, her death saved her from NOTHING! Some like to say that maybe we were spared from something like cancer or an accident down the road, but then tell me why other parents having to go through those same things weren't spared? While God and I are good, I don't believe for one second I got "spared" from watching Addi suffer over another parent in that crap.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Birthday blues...or not

I've been doing a lot of my "pre-stressing" especially last week in anticipation of the many family functions we have had. I knew my birthday this year would not be the birthday I had hoped for.  It just doesn't feel like there is much to celebrate. I had planned on being a mom by 27 and while I am still a mom, I am not the kind of mom I wanted to be (you know, the kind that mothers a live baby).

When I thought about my birthday, it was just another day that was immensely sad because my biggest wish would not be coming true. Without Addison, I just didn't want to celebrate. It's not that I care so much about the number (although it does feel weird to be so close to 30) just that my birthday last year had so much promise. I was pregnant and happy and it was a dream come true. This year I find myself dreaming smaller and only looking as far ahead as I can see with the naked eye.

Everyone kept asking what I wanted to do for my birthday and my answer was always "nothing". I really just wanted to pretend it was any old regular day. Brian and I both had to work and the weather has been hit or miss. The more I was asked about it the more I just kept having that one song playing over and over in my head (It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to if it happened to you). I swear I have more songs running through my's like a frickin' musical in here!

It just seemed plain and simple, if I can't have my baby, I don't want anything at all.

This morning I woke up and only asked one thing of Brian. I asked him to take care of all things dog. I didn't want to deal with them at all. Normally we share the responsibilities, but I got a free pass this morning...who's idea was it to have so many (3) anyways?!? Someday I'll explain our reasoning for those that don't know, but it wasn't on purpose that's for sure! I do love them, but no sane person has more than two dog stands between me and and having a "normal" amount of dogs...any takers? Just kidding well not really, but yes...gah!

Just before I went to bed last night it occurred to me that I should take my birthday off of Facebook, but figured I would do it early this morning. When I got up it was too late, I had 36 emails from people wishing me Happy Birthday...oops I guess it wasn't going to go unnoticed.

The whole way to work I kept thinking, just get through the day. A couple hours into work something magical boss told me to go home at noon and enjoy the day (totally unexpected)! It happens to be one of the nicest days we have had...I can't remember the last first day of summer (June 21st) that has been nice, it ALWAYS rains or is overcast on my birthday! And just like that my day didn't suck anymore.

I'm still sad this birthday isn't what it should be, that Addi isn't here to enjoy this day with me. My attitude has changed, I no longer expect things to be good, I just hope things don't suck as bad as I think they will and so far today doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. Who knows maybe by 28 Addi will have a little sister...or brother (or both...I vote for both)! It blows my mind what a year can bring or for that matter take away.

So I sit here at the lake, on a beach towel, in the grass typing away in the sun and who knows maybe this birthday is the start of something new...I wouldn't put money on it, but it's possible!

Monday, June 20, 2011

A Graduation, Birthdays and Father's Day

I'm exhausted just from typing the title! All of those things happened over the weekend.

My baby brother graduated from both high school and Community College on Friday, which means he will start at SMU in the fall as a junior, so proud of that kid...well man...hmm man child? Yeah lets go with man child.

It was so great to be there as a family to watch him accept his diploma, but not having Addison to complete the picture sure stung. There were lots of babies there. One couple with their baby girl kept walking back and forth in front of me ok they were on the balcony, but the little pink shoes on the baby were like a beacon in the night to me. In one part of the ceremony they asked for a moment of silence for those who weren't with us, the only thing I thought of during that time was don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I made it through the whole ceremony with no tears, none for Alex or Addison. Don't ask me how I did it...I still don't know!

Saturday was Brian's birthday. He had to work and I planned to go help with a birthday party for O. I didn't sleep well that night...too much build up from the graduation maybe. I managed to make Brian breakfast and get out the door to the party. O had a great party, I still can't believe she is is it that she is the last baby I have gotten to help with!?!? Eight years has gone too fast.

After her party I went home to take care of the dogs and wait for Brian to get off work. Once he was off we went to Famous Dave's for his favorite BBQ with Alisa and Sarah. After dinner one of the local bars was having an 80's night. Since Brian is an 80's baby we thought this would be perfect! We met a few friends and laughed at all the great 80's costumes and listened to the music. I rocked the side ponytail, but that was the extent of my dressing up...I actually wish I would have dressed up, it feels good to be silly! I was dd (designated driver) so I didn't get TOO silly, but I think Brian actually had a decent time! Mission accomplished! Somewhere there is a picture of my side pony, but I'm too lazy to call around to get it! Sorry folks!

Sunday was a day I was dreading. Mother's Day was SO hard on me and I was anticipating the worst for Father's Day. I told Brian he was the "boss of the day" so he could decide how he wanted the day to go. He has always wanted to go to the Father's Day air show and I HATE that kind of thing (I just don't see the point of watching planes fly around or for that matter cars drive boring), but I always told him when he was a dad I would go with, so this year I had to go if that's what he wanted.

He chose to go to the air show so I put on a happy face and got ready. It was hard to see all the dads with their kids. I couldn't believe how many babies were there (it's loud) our baby would need some ear coverings! It was cold and windy that day, but we had our Addi rock and walk sweatshirts to keep us warm. There was one dad with a 2-3 year old girl with curly blond hair on his shoulders. She had a sundress on with bare shoulders and bare legs...I wanted to smack the guy. We stood behind them for 30 minutes or more and there was no jacket in sight. He was covered and so was the mom, but the little girl had nothing...what morons! I'm still upset about it!

Brian enjoyed the show and I didn't complain once (yay me lol)! After the show we went to my parent's house to have dinner with my dad and grandpas. Each holiday I get to spend with my parents and both sets of grandparents is so very special, but it's hard to be as thankful as I should be without having Addison.

All in all it was a really packed, but enjoyable weekend. I've had a couple of really good weeks, which is wonderful, but it's also scary because I know that means eventually a sad day is coming, but it's not today and for that I am grateful.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tears Rock & Walk 2011

What a day yesterday was! Such an amazingly, hard, emotional, wonderful day! As of right now Team Addison Eloise raised $2,385.41 and is in the top 5 teams for highest fundraisers! That is just so amazing to me. I was hoping to raise $1000.00 to help a minimum of two families and with our wonderful friends and family we were able to raise enough to help a minimum of 4+ just amazing.

I spent the last week thinking about how hard the walk would be (trying to prepare myself as best I could). I did the same thing for Addi's funeral service. It's almost like if I can "pre-stress" the actual day isn't as hard. Friday night was stressful; Brian and I went out to dinner to our favorite Mexican place. We each had a beer and toasted to the fact that this could be my last beer for a while (wishful thinking...maybe). After we came home we opened up the Patron bottle that Brian bought before he met me (so it’s 6+ years old)...yeah we are big drinkers ;) We took a couple shots, put on our jammies and curled up on the couch to watch a movie. After the movie I decided to check my email and the blogs I follow and go to bed early. I was asleep by 9:30pm! Yeah I know what you are thinking...what a CRAZY couple we are lol! My Saturday went a little something like this:

6 am - up and at 'em. Woke up with a stomach ache (totally normal for me, ever since I was little I would get bad stomach aches before tests, the first day of school or anything I was super nervous about), it sucks, but it's something I am used to.

spent some time complaining about my stomach ache to Brian, receive normal amounts of sympathy from him.

Brian grabs his phone to check our fundraising page, sees we are in the top 5! Spent a few moments celebrating! Makes me wish I still had Internet on my phone...sometimes being practical sucks!

6:30 - Shower, get ready just to see I have run out of deodorant....crap! Oh good I have a brand new one under the sink, whew!

7am - Debate on which camera to bring...little one would be easy to carry...we bought the big fancy one especially to take pics of Addi...this is for will probably be a pain to carry around...but it's for Addi...ok big camera it is! (It’s a Nikon SLR D5000).

plug in battery for big camera, curse myself for not making this decision last night and hope I have enough of a charge for the day.

7:15 - brush my teeth, yell at Annie to get out of the shower (she loves licking the water in the tub...weird dog, but she is a lab). Sarah texts to ask what we want from Starbucks, laugh to myself that of course she would text as I was brushing my teeth (it's the hygienist in her). I tell her Brian's order and think how I would love a green tea, but you aren't supposed to drink it when you are trying to get pregnant so I forgo the drink...laugh to myself that I said yes to patron, but no to green tea...good thing I'm not ovulating yet.

7:30 - try to remember what I am forgetting...nerves getting to us...I hear Annie getting back into the shower...yell at her again...weird dog. Throw my bag together, Brian takes care of the dogs and we run out the door.

7:45 - leave the house to meet our group.

8:15 - we all leave my parent's house and head to the walk.

We got to Cheney Stadium just before 9. Got in line and waited to get in. Once we were in we all got our shirts and I was so pleased to see Addi's name on them. I get to see her name so few places, it was wonderful to be wearing it...well wonderful and know.

Once our whole team was together we took pictures and wondered around the stadium. Once we made our way to our seats we were amazed to see all the butterflies around the track. To know that each butterfly represents a lost's a lot to take in. Each baby's name scrolled across the jumbo-tron. We were allowed to submit 2 photos for it. Brian was disappointed that I didn't submit a "real" picture of Addi..., but after he saw everyone taking pictures of the screen he decided it was good we didn't...I just can't be ok with knowing other people have Addi's picture even if they are "in the club". They are for us and they are sacred.

There were a few speakers, but the one that really got to me was the mother that lost 2 children over 50 years ago...yes 50! Tears helped her to get headstones for her babies. It gave me chills to hear she had to wait 50 years for their stones...yes, I am still working on Addi's...that’s for another post though!

When the walk started they had the siblings run the bases. It was such a sweet moment. There was one little girl, maybe 3 running the bases, she was SO cute. I couldn't help, but think that maybe it could be Addi's little sister in a few years...if only. Then we did a family lap and then a group lap. It was just such a great feeling to be there all together all for Addison. There is so little that we GET to do for her and this just felt so right.

I didn't cry at all during the first part of the walk. I think is was partly because I had spent so much time pre-stressing and also because it makes me sad when Addison isn't in our daily life and this day was all about her and all the other babies we all love so much.

We took a lot of time taking pictures of Addi's name and also pictures of the names of babies we know and love.

I wasn't feeling very social...I was so in my own bubble. I wish I could have talked with more moms, but there is always next year. The last part of the walk was a balloon release. They were out of pink balloons by the time we got to the front of the line so we waited for a new batch...Addi needed a pink one ;) We wrote a little note and tied it to the string. Once we let the balloon go is when I got emotional. It was so symbolic, but I didn't prepare myself for it. It was beautiful and sad, but it was a moment for Brian and I to hold each other close and let our little girl go (typing that puts a lump in my throat). Ugh, but it was beautiful. Sorry to my bird loving, greener friends, but it was a special moment for us. So don’t preach to me how bad balloon releases are.

When everything was said and done we decided to head up to Seattle to enjoy each other. Our family and friends went on their own way and we felt like we were still up for something more than just going home (we hadn't really made plans because we had no idea how we would feel).

Seattle was nice. We spent some time at Pike Place market, had some yummy food and took in all the sights. We came home tired, but happy.

I am already looking forward to next year's walk. I can only hope that next year's walk will include Addi's sibling(s) either in my arms or in my belly...such a big hope. I am just so thankful to everyone who came with us, who donated and for all the support we were given for the walk and the support we continue to receive each day. I feel very humbled and appreciative.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Today's Dentist Appointment

I was a month overdue for my biyearly cleaning, which means the last time I was at the dentist was just a few weeks before Addison was born. I was hugely pregnant and the hygienist was slightly annoyed that she couldn't take the x-rays for my chart.

This time I knew I would have a new hygienist because my friend Sarah had applied for a job there and didn't get it (after moving from TX she didn’t have all her WA stuff this office wanted). I was already going in with the thought that I would hate this new hygienist. I mean they totally missed out on having Sarah!

I thought maybe she wouldn't ask about Addison since she didn't know me before, but of course my history was in my chart. As I sat in the waiting room my heart started to race (I don't have a fear of the dentist, I have I'm going to have to break the news my baby died phobia)!

All I could think about was how I would tell this poor unsuspecting soul and that the last time I was in this office Addi was with me :(

The hygienist brought me back and our conversation goes like this:

hygienist -Do you have any changes in your medical history?

Me-(I paused)

hygienist -(she looked at me like I didn't understand so she speaks slowly) you know like a change in medications or any surgeries.

Me-I thought carefully and answered "no" because I have no changes in medications and I did not have a surgery. I thought oh, she isn't going to ask me!

hygienist - OH! It says here you were pregnant last time! Congratulations!!!! How are things? (She looked at me with the most excitement in her face I have seen on someone for a long time...I hated to have to tell her).

me-well actually we didn't get the happy ending we were hoping for.

hygienist -Oh my gosh, what happened???

me-(my usual spiel)

hygienist -(eyes fill up with tears) I'm so sorry

me-(think to myself, crap, I can't hate her anymore plus Sarah got a better job so I’m sure she wouldn’t mind).

She then goes on to tell me about how something similar happened to an acquaintance of hers that she heard about on Facebook and how sad everyone is...I thought yep, they are sad alright!

She asked me if I was "ok" talking about this and I told her I was. I also explained how that there are days like today when I can talk about it and not cry, but there are other days, I am not able to. Thankfully for her this was a no crying day...I don't think she would have been ok, if I had been crying.

As it was the more she talked to me the more her hands were shaking in my mouth (yes, I noticed). Poor girl...well poor me! She kept asking me questions that I couldn't really answer with her hands in my mouth so I did a lot of mm hmms. At one point she tells me that she likes to stay positive about things and that this had to have happened for a reason even though we don't know it and that God must have needed Addi and that now I have a guardian angel to watch over me...(I'm thinking get your hands out of my mouth because we need talk about this one). I made no noises as she said that and she didn't take her hands out of my mouth for a long time after that.

By the time I could talk again the moment had passed and it seemed inappropriate to go back to those I let it go. I hate that I did, but I know she meant well. I just wanted to tell her that I don't believe babies die for a reason and that the last thing I want is for Addi to be watching over me when I should be watching over her.

I'm sure I totally ruined her day and she will be thinking about my story all day, but I would so much rather be in her shoes of hearing this story instead of living it.

When I left she put her hand on my shoulder and said something (I can’t really remember), but something along the lines of I hope your day goes ok. 

She left me with the scheduler and she wanted to make an appointment to clean my teeth in another 6 months. She says "that puts us in December, what day do you want" December, December, that's all I heard. I couldn't deal with that. I told her I would have to call back and make an appointment. Oh, God just looking at my December calendar. I was not prepared for that.

She looked at me all confused as I am sure all the color drained from my face, December, December, December. I have no idea what is in store for me in these next 6 months. I haven't really thought about it, I am too focused on today. Six more months until Addi's 1st birthday, ugh that sinks my heart even further...What if I still am not pregnant by then...what if I am pregnant by then...a whole year without my baby....December, December, December, I can't stop saying it.

I really have been having an ok week so far, I don't think this will set me back; it just hit me when I didn't expect the end of the appointment to be a problem. I thought the worst was over so I let my guard down...dang, see what happens when I try to relax for a minute!

I'm glad we have a support group meeting tonight; I think it's a good night for one!

On a positive note, I am cavity free! At least I got that going for me!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My childish humor

I read a post by Brooke
awhile back about how everything can be sad and yet we can laugh at the most ridiculous stupid things like the SNL skit Schweddy Balls. I wish I could say my humor has matured with my age, but it has not. I am like a 12 year old boy who laughs at any word that could possibly resemble a body part or something dirty...I can't help it Schweddy Balls is still and will always be hilarious to me. I saw THIS video awhile back and it still makes me laugh uncontrollably. I mean really...this is what people let their children watch and sing...this will be one that I don't want our future children going around singing. I mean really Wiggles, you should know better. I will stick to the classics like the Flintstones!

Maybe I should be a grownup and not turn this children's song into a song about an STD, but I can't help it, I laugh at just the thought of it...sorry if I disappoint you friends, but for the 2-3 of you that laugh at this, it's totally worth it! Ha! Bottom line is whatever makes us laugh we HAVE to hold on to because laughing is good for the soul!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Baby loss in the media

I had googled stillbirth sometime ago to find out when and if it had been in movies or addressed on television. Since it is still a rather taboo subject area (too sad to talk about). I was and wasn't surprised when I really couldn't find much. There are a few celebrities, but none that have ever spoken out about it (I understand what a personal matter this is, but man do I wish someone could bring some light to baby loss).

I recently watched a movie called "The Other Woman" with Natalie Portman. It didn't have very much publicity and was never shown in a theater near me, but I netflixed it the second it became available. It's about a woman whose daughter dies from SIDS. I thought it was a pretty decent portrayal of someone who has suffered the loss of a baby. It doesn't mirror my story, but there are emotions I can relate to.

Today I had heard about a show called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" I had never seen this show before, but heard there was an episode regarding stillbirth on last night’s episode...curiosity got the best of me and I just finished watching the episode online. They never used the word "stillborn" you don't even really know what happened. It is clear the baby died, but they didn't give much time to this specific storyline. There are parts I relate to for sure, but I wish they would have really shown the process.

I suppose I am just grateful that this could be one step closer in making people aware that these horrible events really take place. I couldn't help, but let the tears fall when the friends of the couple were SO excited to be coming to the hospital and the looks on every one's faces when they knew something was wrong. It's a moment when I put myself right back in that place and knowing everyone I love is immediately smacked in the face with the 2x4 of devastation. The look on the mother's face when she keeps repeating, but the doctors said I did everything right...

My biggest beef with both of these two story lines is that in the movie the mom whose baby dies is a woman that cheated with a married man and then married him after he divorced his wife. The television show is about teenagers who got pregnant. Now let me say right now that I do NOT believe ANYONE deserves to lose a baby, but by society standards people who don't know could easily say well sure her baby died, she stole a married man, or well those teenagers weren't really ready to have a baby yet so it is probably for the better.

That's where I take issue. Media wants us "normal" people to think that these beyond devastating scenarios only happen to those who we can "make excuses" on why it's "ok" in our minds, but what about the married couple who is faithful, who planned for this baby, who did "everything right"...what about them? I can tell you we are out here too. The majority of stories I know are ones like mine. So when will media show that?

It makes me angry there isn't more for us. I truly believe the less ignorant society is the less pain is inflicted to us parents of lost babies because people are better able to know what to say and do. There will always be stupid things said and done, but I really believe had I ever taken the time to really think about what losing a baby would do to you, I would have been better equipped to deal with my own loss and the loss of others.

That's my two cents on that!

Monday, June 6, 2011


Wow, this last weekend was a doozy! I feel like the weekend was stolen from me, but I guess I am "thankful" that I was able to deal with my sad days on my own time. So many tears, so much hurt and sadness and today I can breathe again. That's how my grief-coaster works, I have a day or more of serious crying and then there are a few days of calm. It's not like the sad goes away, it just sort of settles a bit until the next storm comes.

I understand why it would be confusing for people to see me act like a version of my old self and then all the sudden see me be a complete basket case ugly cry and all, but that's how this works for me.

I don't stop my emotions on the really bad days, if I did that you would not like the aftermath. So when I need to cry I cry. Seems simple, but yet it's all so complex.

We have always talked about counseling as an option. Now that we want to start work on baby no. 2 Brian feels there is no time better. I called today to find out how much this little venture would cost and how much insurance would cover (I hate spending money especially on something like this).

Turns out that insurance will only cover it if it is medically necessary...great, but seriously what could mess you up more than your baby dying??? They said I either need to suffer from depression or anxiety to qualify. Well my situation is depressing, but I am not depressed, sad yes, depressed no. I feel anxious about a second pregnancy, but I do not suffer from there you go, I am just broken enough to think it would help, but not broken enough to have insurance help...awesome. Let’s add this to my pile shall we!

Honestly at $160 bucks a pop I think the best therapy I could have is of the "retail" variety...we'll see what Brian says.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

No baby on board

My favorite day of the year has always been the day the boat goes in the water. It means summer is here and life is good. It happened last weekend, but I ignored it. The boat wasn't working right and it was not so nice outside so it was easy(ish) to ignore. I pulled up to the lake and saw everyone working on the boat the tears started to come so I booked it up to the house and away from the boat ASAP. That was the end of that.

This weekend marks the nicest weekend Olympia has had all's 81 degrees today! Yesterday was Brian's day off so he was out on the lake all day with my brother. As I was leaving work all I could think about was that I would be getting on the boat...but I wasn't excited about it.

When we put the boat away at the end of summer I had a nice baby bump going on and loved the thought of our little girl on the boat with us. I was anxious for last summer to hurry and be over so we could fast forward to this summer where we would have a 6 month old to take on the boat...

My dad winterized the boat and I dreamed about the next time I would be getting on the boat I would be doing it with our daughter. My siblings and I are all lake babies. We grew up spending every summer on the lake and nothing put us to sleep better than a boat ride. My parents traded in their "normal" boat for a party's the PERFECT family boat! Room for everyone AND we ski, inner tube, wakeboard etc. behind this bad boy. No one thought you could do those things with this boat, but you can!

I thought about how it's been 18 years since the last baby of our family was on a boat and how THIS should be the summer. The more I thought about it the more I cried (my car is such a great place to do some serious crying). I thought about how I should be so jealous that Brian would be at the lake with Addison for her first real lake day without me. I would have been worried that he would have her on the boat without me and that he wouldn't be putting enough sun screen on her or making sure her floppy hat was covering her neck and face, but instead I was worried about just simply getting on the boat without crying.

Brian and my brother were on the lake when I got there so I had a few minutes to cry alone before they pulled into the dock and then there it was. I had to sit on the dock for a bit before I could actually get on the boat...I can't tell you how much it bothered me that this was missing.

The boat is in the water, but there is no baby on board.

Last night was a hard one and today has been no easier. It doesn't help that I know FOR SURE that I am not pregnant this week and that 6 months ago today my baby died and tomorrow is the 5th, the day I gave birth AND that this lands exactly on a Saturday and Sunday...just like it did 6 months ago...SIX MONTHS. I can't even write about what that means to me...I will try to do it tomorrow, but I can tell you it is much harder than I thought it would be.

I spent an hour on the boat today and then had to go's 81 degrees outside and I am inside blogging...there is something seriously wrong with that, but it's all I have energy for, a nap may soon follow.

The only thing worse than feeling the way I do its being told that some people I love think I am going backwards...ouch. I feel like everyday I move forward and even if I am breaking down and crying I am STILL getting out of bed EVERYDAY and living whether I feel like crap or not.

I think I tried to be too strong in front of people in the beginning and now that I am not "better" people are confused. I feel like I been pretty even with my emotions and the fact that I still cry now is confusing to people I feel like I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.

I have been told my blog is shit, my baby died. This is not a blog about sunshine and freaking butterflies. It makes me want to stop writing, but I know it helps me so I can't.

I am doing the best I can...really I am. If I forced any more I would really be a mess. I hate that I feel like I have to explain myself, but I feel like I am on the defense. When you add those feelings into regular grief feelings it's a bad bad combination and so I cry and cry...

I am thankful for other baby loss mom blogs. You ladies let me know that my feelings are normal and as hard as it is having my family question where I am at, you let me know that I am not alone.

So yes, my blog is sad, but what isn't sad about a baby dying?!? I am taking steps forward whether you think so or not.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to Brian was "oh no, it's June"! I mean really how did June get here already?!?

June is the start of summer and 5 birthdays in my family (one of those birthdays is mine and another is Brian's). We also have Father's Day, a wedding shower, baby shower, graduation parties galore and the Tears walk for Addison.

This month is jam packed full and there is something else June marks...we are coming up on 6 months on Sunday. Six entire months away from our baby and one more thing. At our 6 week checkup our doctor asked us to wait 6 months before we "try" to have a second baby. This whole time "June" has been the month we keep saying is when we can try and start this process all over again and its here!

It is scary and exciting all at the same time, but mostly scary. I was hesitant as to if I would write about this part of our journey. I will spare the nitty gritty details, but I think it is important that I don't feel like there are things I can't write about, so here we go. I expect to see some negative pregnancy tests as it took a year to get pregnant with Addison (so don't hold your breath). I am armed with ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, charts and a thermometer. It's going to be a bumpy ride so hold on tight!

I laid out the plan for Brian last night almost like a football play book (ha! Like I know a thing about football) he looked less than amused. Sounds romantic, no?!? I believe there was some eye rolling and "yes dears". I do love that man for putting up with me. There is so little that I have control over so I have to have control over the things that are controllable. It will help...I think!

People who know about "June" keep asking if I feel ready. I feel like I am as ready as I will ever be. Am I healed? Oh hell no, but I believe I am as ready today as I could be in 6 more months, a year or even 5 years down the road. This will be scary and not without tears or anxiety, but I know I won't be alone and if we don't try we will never get any closer to having a live, crying, screaming, pooping, sleep depriving bundle of joy (some may think of those words as the negative part of having a baby, but even those words are heaven to me all the "fun" parts will just be gravy).

We were actually ready in May (well Brian's been ready for a while, I was ready in May). We still didn't "try", but we weren't exactly careful. I was really hoping to get pregnant last month just because the stress wasn't there and it would just be a wonderful surprise. I still don’t know 100%, but judging by the way I feel today, it seems pretty clear that the sure fire negative sign is on its way shortly. Plus that’s just not how things work out for us, everything seems to take the long road.

When it comes to friends pregnancies (who are due around winter time) my feelings are still hit or miss. One I am thrilled for, one I still hate who is due on Addi’s due date and one I am happy for who doesn’t know I know hehe. One thing I am NOT looking forward to is that this month I will probably see more pregnancy announcements on Facebook for people who have hit their 12 week mark and will be due (you guessed it) around Addi’s time. I pretty much hold my breath every time I login into Facebook; it’s a love/hate relationship!