Sunday, May 29, 2011

One of THOSE nights

It's been a while since I've had one of THOSE nights (you know the ones where I climb into bed and start crying, then sobbing, body shaking, nose running, hard to breathe right nights), but Friday night was the night.

No specific trigger, I mean there are a lot of things going on, but I wouldn't be able to pick one as the problem. I think it could have been a little easier, but my usually extremely understanding husband was replaced by this guy who asked "why are you crying" HELLO! Our baby died...and I'm still sad about it...I mean really?!? That just made things worse because normally I feel like he gets that this is a process (one he goes through too), but this night it felt really different and feeling alone on top of sad was just too much...hence the 1+ hours of an intense crying session.

I really felt like I was lying next to a stranger. I would have moved to the spare room, but I have a problem with that's the room I was sleeping in the night I last felt Addi move. I know that's the room she died in and while Addi's nursery isn't off limits to me, that room, the spare room is not a happy room for me. Someday I need to get over it, it is the best room to sleep in when sleepless nights arise, but for now the room is closed and I HATE that room.

I am in no way trying to throw Brian under a bus. I think my main problem is that he has been so amazingly wonderful that I forgot that he is human...and well a man and can't read my mind. It's just that the one "good thing" that came from losing Addison was the closeness it brought to us and I just can't lose that too.

When I got up on Saturday I knew I had plans to meet up with three of my favorite ladies Sarah, Kayla and Jami (who I have been friends with since elementary school). I had been looking forward to it for weeks, but suddenly felt like I wanted to cancel. I decided I would just drive my own car so I could leave if I couldn't control my emotions. I pulled over once on my way there, had a good cry and continued on my way.

My friends are so great and put up with sad me. I feel bad for being such a lame friend, but like I've said before, I am too tired to fix it. We decided to see Bridesmaids together and let me tell you it was FANTASTIC! Totally our sense of humor and I haven't laughed like that in ages. Plus if I wasn't laughing hard enough my friend Kayla has one of the best laughs EVER and it just makes me laugh more, it is so infectious (in a good way) everyone should have a Kayla in their lives! It is so strange to be so sad and to laugh until your belly hurts...odd combo! All in all I was very glad I didn't cancel, but man was I wiped afterward!


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