Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A different way of thinking

I have been so emotionally drained lately that it has turned into a physical exhaustion. I am tired all the time and have little energy to follow through with my to-do lists. I was going strong for a while, but I guess I hit a wall. I have even been too tired to blog!

I read another blog entry that explained it like this-I was going to do the laundry, BUT dead baby...I was going to vacuum, BUT dead baby, I was going to go to the gym, BUT dead baby, I was going to (fill in the blank), BUT...you guessed it, DEAD BABY!!! Nothing quite like that harsh reality to keep you on the couch!

I am a bad friend, daughter, granddaughter, wife etc. right now. I love my family and friends so very much, but I just don't have the energy to pull my weight in those relationships right now. I hate that they are all sad about losing Addison and to top it all off they lost me too. I am no longer the same me I once was. So to my family and friends, I'm sorry the old me is gone, I miss her too.

I used to believe that we are able to control our feelings that we are as happy as we let ourselves be. I still believe that is true with many things in life, but it doesn't fit with the dead baby category. So many "rules" I used to live by don't fit anymore. All the clich├ęs that used to be so true for me:

Everything happens for a reason=perfect babies die for no reason at all?!? WTF Maybe you didn't get a job because there was a better one right around the corner, that may be true. I can buy that. I can't buy that Addison died because there is a better baby around the corner. That is the biggest load of crap EVER. Sure I will love a second baby...well I am pretty sure I will, but Addi having to die for that sibling to be here...crap, crap and more crap!

Good things come to those who wait=I waited 26 years to have my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped on with cleats, mixed with salt and vinegar just to be jammed back in my chest...not so good!

God doesn't give us more than we can handle= I don't believe anyone "handles" this well, Maybe you haven't been given more than you can handle yet and that's why you say that.

We are as happy as we chose to be=I still believe that we chose to be happy, but there are some cases where no matter how many times you pick yourself up and brush yourself off there are times when it doesn't feel worth it to get back up just to be shoved back down. I wish I could be happier, I chose not to roll over and die, but I don't get much of a say when it comes to how I feel. If I wake up crying, it's not because I chose to do so.

When you have lived your life by a set of rules and then they all the sudden go out the window it leaves you feeling quite lost. Like praying. I wonder how many times I have prayed for unimportant things (sunny weather, to do well on a test, for Brian to have gotten home first so the dogs have already been let out) I mean really stupid things. Then there are the big things like when I prayed to get pregnant, for my grandma to beat cancer and then again when she went into surgery. All those times I prayed and for what? Now I look back and go what was I thinking? God doesn't change those things.

I don't believe any amount of praying would have saved Addison or that God is mad at me and that's why she is gone. So I pray for strength, trust and peace of mind because those are the things I believe God can help with. Not that he couldn't step in and save us from these devastating losses, but I just don't believe that's how it works.

We pray because it brings us peace and makes us believe we are doing something to help. I have been asked to pray for several people lately who have serious medical issues and I say I will, but I can't pray for them to be "healed" because I believe what will happen has already been decided. I pray for peace for them and their families no matter the outcome. People can continue to pray for whatever they want, but that is just another viewpoint of mine that is changed forever.

Old me never would have understood this post, she would have thought I was just a big downer and that I just didn't want to be normal again. The truth is, I would love to be normal again, but I seemed to have misplaced my rose colored glasses. Maybe that's the problem...we each get one set of rose colored glasses and once they are gone you can never get them back again. If you still have them please appreciate them!


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