Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Anticipation

Anticipation is the worst...ok not THE worst, but it's right up there. The last 2 weeks have been pretty good (not sad free, but not so sad I can't breathe). When I have a week like that let alone this time where it was at least 2 in a row (that's the longest stretch so far) I am in constant fear of when I will be hit with the soul crushing "sad day" that waits for me right around the corner of every good moment, you know the one that usually brings more tears than I can count and that feeling of being punched in the gut repeatedly...yes that one!

Other than waiting for the inevitable gut punch I have also been anticipating today and tomorrow (5 months ago today since this nightmare began and tomorrow is 5 months since my sweet baby was born). If that wasn't enough there is also Mother's Day on Sunday and the return of AF...last month she proved to be too much for my emotions and really put me over the edge...this month I am hoping that b-word takes some pity on me!

All morning I have been feeling like the gut punch is coming...kind of like the movie Jaws where you can't see it, but you can hear the music and KNOW it's coming. Dun na, Dun na...you know the music, well that's what I keep hearing in my head...it's coming.

I was doing pretty well today until I realized I needed to get a card out in the mail to our wonderful mother in NC. I am so used to having all my family local that it is still new to me to have to pre-buy cards and get them out in the mail! I ran to the store at lunch not thinking much about what I was actually doing until all those cards were staring at me...all the cards I will never get from Addi (although homemade ones would be even better, but that's beside the point). I was trying to find the perfect card, but also be quick about it...and then...the little old lady next to me started talking to me...who can ignore a sweet well-meaning old lady?!? Not me! Anyways she starts telling me how she is looking for a mother-to-be card...of course she is and of course I was the person she needed to share that information with.

She couldn't find one...so I helped her look...I know stupid, but I couldn't help it. I found them quickly and she thanked me profusely, I could tell she wanted to continue chatting, but I couldn't get out of there quick enough. As I was racing to self check out I could feel the tears welling up. I quickly bought my card and got the hell out just in time to spend some more quality crying time in my car.

Last year I was getting those mother-to-be cards and this year I am no longer a mother-to-be, I am a mother minus a baby. Can't I just be a plain ol' regular mother?!? Talk about a shitty Mother's Day!

As each month passes I try to figure out how my life got here. I know there isn't anything I can do to change it, but I keep wondering when I will "get the hang" of being in this club I don't want to be in. I'm still working on that one so don't hold your breath!

On the 4th of each month Addison's Grandma Karen and Auntie Alisa each get flowers from an anonymous friend at their office (they work in the same place). I don't know who it is, but I love that someone is remembering Addi and remembering that their hearts are broken too. I asked them to text me pictures of their flowers so I can share them with you guys too. There really are some wonderful people out there!

If you remember from my cruise post my mom was looking for a blue topaz pendant to buy so she could have her own "Addison necklace". That trip proved unsuccessful for the perfect pendant so she was going to keep looking once we got home. Someone else in her office heard her story and brought her the pendant she was hoping for. It just blows my mind that someone would be so thoughtful and that it was even one my mom loved and probably would have picked on her own.

Aside from the flowers and nice people, I feel like I would like to hide under my desk or even better go home and curl up in bed and sleep straight through these next few days. I won't, but it does sound appealing...that damn Jaws music is still playing in my head...erg!

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