Friday, May 6, 2011

5 Months...a day late

That awful feeling in my gut is getting stronger which means there will be some serious crying taking part in the near future. Yesterday I made a conscious effort not to get online much and to stay as busy as possible. Today has been like that too...I am just going to try and get through until Sunday.

My sister and I usually try and host a Mother's day brunch at my house for our mom and two grandmas. This year my dad offered to take over, but I feel like I would still like to do something for them. I decided we would proceed with the normal Mother's Day at my house. My hope is that I will be busy with brunch for them and as soon as they are done eating they can get the heck out! That sounds awful, but I think I will need some alone time to mourn my Mother's Day that should have been...that's the plan...we'll see.

I just couldn't write this post yesterday...five months...five whole months of missing my baby. Cinco de Mayo, 5/5/11, 5 months on 5/5 is what was running through my head all day. That's really what it comes down to is I just miss Addison so very much. I didn't sleep well last night at all...I saw the clock hit 1:00 AM. Just before bed Brian had told me that he was talking with a friend who has a 9 month old daughter who is getting all kinds of personality. When he left he thought about how jealous he was of him...that made me cry too. How I wish Brian had his own stories to share about HIS daughter.

This week we met up with a friend from our childbirth class. Her daughter is 2 weeks younger than Addi. Seeing Brian holding her and how natural it was to him was so very hard, but it was also very wonderful. I feel so lucky to have not only kept in contact with one, but two of the couples from that class. It makes me so happy to see their strong healthy babies, babies I still consider to be Addi’s buddies.

This month I felt myself wanting to "lie" to people. Just for a minute I would love to tell a stranger about my daughter and not include the "she died" part. I was talking to a man who was beaming about his 8 month old and for a moment I so wanted to say "I have a 5 month old, isn't it wonderful"! Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, but it's those moments that have been stolen from us that I ache for.

Five months and it doesn't get easier...five months and all I want is Addison. Five months and my heart is still very broken.

I promise you there isn’t a moment that goes by that you aren’t on our minds. We are very aware of everything we are missing out on with you. The sun has been out, which makes me want to strap on the ergo baby and take you for a walk with daddy. I still turn and look behind my seat while driving and wish I could see you in your car seat. I am still imagining how our life would be if we woke up tomorrow from this nightmare and you were right here with us, right where you belong. I know that cannot happen, but I can’t help, but make you part of my every thought. I love you.


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