Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter...sort of

Easter with a baby...a baby girl has been one I have been looking forward to for really! See these dresses...they were all purchased before I met Brian. I think I would guess that they are between 7-8 years old still with their tags...still waiting for a little girl to wear them. I have always been a planner and this Easter was so not the plan!

I had spent the week trying to distract myself from the thought of Easter coming. I am fully aware that Easter is not about bunnies, colored eggs and fluffy dresses, but this year it was supposed to be all of those things and I cannot let go of that dream. I have gone to church from the time I was a baby and know that Easter is much more than that, but this year I am giving myself permission to mourn my daughter's first Easter that should have been.

This morning I told Brian I wished we could skip Easter all together. He reminded me that Addison wouldn't want me to feel like that. I agreed with him, but also said that I think she would give me a free pass this year to just go ahead and miss her. I also woke up to a "friendly" reminder email that my daughter should be 20 weeks today...awesome.

I have never missed an Easter Sunday at church in my life, but this Sunday I just couldn't make myself go. Brian only goes with me to church on Easter and Christmas, but he said he would go with me on a random Sunday instead. I am fine with him not going with me on regular Sundays, but I do love going as a couple. I didn't want to see all the little girls in their beautiful dresses and I didn't want to pretend I was happy to be I didn't. God and I are good so I knew my presence in church this particular Sunday wouldn't be a problem.

Last year we made all our Easter eggs with every one's new titles (grandma, papa, auntie, uncle, etc.). We were all so excited and KNEW we would have a new baby for this Easter...FAIL! It was such a different feel from last Easter to this one.

This year we should have been dying eggs, putting together a ridiculously packed basket for a 4 month old who wouldn't even know what was going on and dressing her in the most ruffly obnoxious dress there ever was, but we all know that wasn't the case. At dinner we talked about who would have gotten to hold Addison during the egg hunt and how we wished she were with us. I know it does us no good to wish, but what can I say, that's how it goes.

It was a nice, but somber Easter. My parents did their very best to make it as enjoyable for us as possible, they are wonderful! After the rest of the family left we sat around and drew out possibilities for Addi's stone...not the most celebratory activity, but it was nice to do it as a family.

I really wish Addi had her stone. Days like today would be much easier...ok a tad easier if I had a place to decorate for her.

So that was our day. For the most part I really feel like we skipped Easter this year, but not all together. Next year will be better...well maybe, I have to hope it will be.

2010's much different


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