Monday, April 18, 2011

Bedtime Stories

I had pictured in my mind a million times reading bedtime stories to Addison. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that instead of reading books like “Goodnight Moon” to Addi I would be reading books about baby loss to Brian.

One of the support groups we go to has a little library to borrow from and so I picked a book called "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". I had heard good things about it so I thought I would give it a try. I had borrowed it three months ago and just finished it last week. Brian seemed interested in it so I made a point only to read it when we were together and had some spare time before bed. It just seemed easier to read aloud instead of having to read over each other’s shoulders.
Even though it took so long to finish it, I am really glad we did it. It was just one more thing that felt like Addison time together. All in all I wasn't a huge fan of the book. Like me, the writer had suffered a full term stillbirth. I of course can relate to that, but there was a lot that I couldn't relate to. She never named her baby...well not a real name...she called him "Pudding" and didn't feel she could give him a different name. While I don't judge her for that choice, it was just the first thing that made me go "hmm". Also it has many French type references and it is hard to read aloud all these French things...maybe I would have like the actual book better if I had read it to myself. Never the less I don't regret reading it, but I also wouldn't read it again or necessarily recommend it.

While reading it I did notice that the part where she talks about feeling guilty for not keeping her son safe was a part I read as fast as I could to get it done with. I think all of us baby loss mamas feel some sort of guilt. True or not, WE are the ones that carry our babies, WE are the ones responsible for them and I know I felt that Addison died on my watch. I let her down, I let everyone down. In my head I know that isn't true, that I kept her safe to the best of my ability, but in my heart I can't let it go.

Maybe I will blog about my guilt one day, but for now I think that is all I can say about it. I constantly have this "guilt cloud" hanging over my head and it may free me to write about it and it may be more than I can handle. So this is all for now.

I just ordered another book called "Life Touches Life". I am looking forward to it coming so story time at the Crawford house can begin again. I also ordered a book called "Someone Came Before You". It is a children's book for our subsequent children that tries to explain just what its title says. It makes me smile to think of having a book that we can read to our children that helps them understand that they have a sister and that she is very much a part of our family...I hope this book is as great as I am hoping it will be.

Wow...I said children...a month ago I was having a hard time wrapping my head around baby no. 2 and now I am thinking about not just no. 2, but 3 and maybe 4...calm down Brian, not all at the same time ;) When we found out we were pregnant with a girl we thought seriously about just having one and calling it good. We thought if we got our girl on the first shot, we could just be happy with her. Now I know more than ever that one more will not be enough.

These past few days have been really good days. No tears and lots of happy times with friends and family. Maybe it’s because last week was such a hard one and I released enough tears to carry me over for this week. Maybe it’s because the sun has been out. Maybe it’s because we went to a meeting and got to talk about Addison with other parents who “get it”…I don’t know, but whatever the reason, it has been a nice few days.


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