Tuesday, April 5, 2011

4 Months

Really four months already?!? My book says this milestone is what "most consider the golden age of babyhood-a period of several enchanted months when good humor reigns during the day, more sleep happening at night". I'm not making that up, it's right out of the book! Although any stage would be the "golden age" to us!

After 4 months there is still a tingle in my left foot from the epidural. Some days it isn't as noticeable and some like today it's all I can do not to move it around. It's so weird, but I don't hate it. I also had a TON of phantom movement in my belly this month...seriously, why does that happen?!? I have a love hate relationship with that as well.

I feel ok this morning (so far). Whenever I am having a "good day" I am always weary of what is to come. I was up early this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so it seemed like a good time to blog.

I read other BLM blogs daily and discovered after being away and coming back that I bite my nails like crazy the whole time I read them...not really sure why, just something weird I discovered. I usually read them during the day, but eventually I hope to do it later in the day. I have heard it is good to designate a time of the day to really focus on this loss. Addi will still be on my mind throughout the day, but I can see where it would be nice to allow myself a time frame to focus on the yucky parts so they don't come around so often...in theory!

Yesterday was an ok day too. The one thing that bummed me out was to hear one of Brian's co-workers is expecting. She is a great lady, super nice, married blah blah blah, but for the first time I'm not excited for a friend. Maybe I just hit my limit of friend excitement or maybe it's in part to coming home to 3 new baby girls on my facebook and one chick who found out she is having a girl...seriously doesn't anyone have boys?!?

Anyways back to Brian's co-worker. The icing on the cake is that her due date is my exact due date with Addi...seriously...you have to be kidding me! Now Brian has to watch her grow everyday in the same time frame as I did with Addi and I will have to see her whenever I come in his office.

I brought Brian a coffee yesterday and he asked if I wanted to congratulate her in front of a different co-worker. I kind of surprised myself when I said no. The co-worker kind of looked at me strange and I just said you know, I am not there yet. I'm sure I will be happy for her someday, but it won't be today or tomorrow! She was saying how she thought it was so cool that our due dates were the same. I was like well it's ok that you think that, but I don't and I'm not there yet. I just looked at her and said it's ok that I can't be happy about this, I'm allowed to feel this way. Whether she thinks worse of me now is her problem not mine, I really don't care if she can't understand. I hope she doesn't tell her what I said, but if she does, I would be ok with it because it's how I feel. I think if she is having a boy I would feel better, but with my luck it will be a girl...fml.

I only have two friends that I am hoping for girls for them. A fellow BLM who so deserves her second girl and friend having twins, I really hope at least one is a girl, they really deserve a girl! The rest better be having boys ;)

My project for this month was supposed to be Addi's stone, but I just couldn't deal with it and all the other craziness going on this month. I finally had to let it go and come to terms with working on it after our trip. I have a rough sketch of what I want and really the only part we need to figure out is what saying or note we want on there. The rest is pretty much decided. I think I am even coming to terms with using the blue stone. I hate using blue for our little girl, but the pink they have is not a good one and the blue stones I have seen look really pretty.

I went to the cemetery yesterday and Angel(the baby boy born in the hospital room next to us and had his funeral right after we had Addi's in the same place) has his stone. It was all in Spanish so I'm not really sure what is says, but I will look it up. His date on his stone was actually the 4th, but I still feel a very special connection to him and his mommy. I hope someday to meet her. I sat with it for a while, touched it and it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy to see he had his stone and I am relieved to have the spot next to his reserved for Addi's stone.

I will blog later about our cruise. It was wonderful on many levels, but I am still trying to sort out what I want to say before I can blog about it. There were still sad days, but I can say that it is much nicer to be sad in the Caribbean than it is to be sad at home!

Four months...oh Addi we miss you every single second of every single day. You are a part of everything we do. As others start to think we should be "getting over" our loss we cling tighter to our memories of you. I try to close my eyes and think back to how you felt in my arms. I can still feel you and I hope that feeling never leaves me. I resent the people who think that a second child is the magic cure all. You will never be replaced. We love you truly, madly and fiercely.

All my love,
Mommy

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