Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Lottery

I'm going to win it...I've really! I used to joke that I was going to marry rich or win the lottery and since I certainly didn't marry Brian for money, the lottery it is!

I have never "played" the lottery before and you do have to play to win...go figure! A month or so after we lost Addison I decided if we could "win" the "shit" lottery, why not try for the good one?!? It wasn’t very likely we would lose Addi at 40 weeks and five days and yet it happened.

I find whenever I hear the odds of something, I think again. Before I would have said 75% chance of a healthy perfect baby were great now, it’s not nearly enough!

It's not like I think winning the lottery would make things right, but wouldn't it be nice to never have to worry about money again! I don't smoke or drink coffee and I rarely order drinks when we go out to eat. I don't have any vices. I figure a dollar a week for my chance at some luck...why not!

So that's it, I just thought you all should know it's going to happen.

If…I mean WHEN it happens, I will be quitting my job to have a dozen or so kids…ok maybe not a dozen, but a bunch of little kiddos running around sure sounds lovely.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter...sort of

Easter with a baby...a baby girl has been one I have been looking forward to for really! See these dresses...they were all purchased before I met Brian. I think I would guess that they are between 7-8 years old still with their tags...still waiting for a little girl to wear them. I have always been a planner and this Easter was so not the plan!

I had spent the week trying to distract myself from the thought of Easter coming. I am fully aware that Easter is not about bunnies, colored eggs and fluffy dresses, but this year it was supposed to be all of those things and I cannot let go of that dream. I have gone to church from the time I was a baby and know that Easter is much more than that, but this year I am giving myself permission to mourn my daughter's first Easter that should have been.

This morning I told Brian I wished we could skip Easter all together. He reminded me that Addison wouldn't want me to feel like that. I agreed with him, but also said that I think she would give me a free pass this year to just go ahead and miss her. I also woke up to a "friendly" reminder email that my daughter should be 20 weeks today...awesome.

I have never missed an Easter Sunday at church in my life, but this Sunday I just couldn't make myself go. Brian only goes with me to church on Easter and Christmas, but he said he would go with me on a random Sunday instead. I am fine with him not going with me on regular Sundays, but I do love going as a couple. I didn't want to see all the little girls in their beautiful dresses and I didn't want to pretend I was happy to be I didn't. God and I are good so I knew my presence in church this particular Sunday wouldn't be a problem.

Last year we made all our Easter eggs with every one's new titles (grandma, papa, auntie, uncle, etc.). We were all so excited and KNEW we would have a new baby for this Easter...FAIL! It was such a different feel from last Easter to this one.

This year we should have been dying eggs, putting together a ridiculously packed basket for a 4 month old who wouldn't even know what was going on and dressing her in the most ruffly obnoxious dress there ever was, but we all know that wasn't the case. At dinner we talked about who would have gotten to hold Addison during the egg hunt and how we wished she were with us. I know it does us no good to wish, but what can I say, that's how it goes.

It was a nice, but somber Easter. My parents did their very best to make it as enjoyable for us as possible, they are wonderful! After the rest of the family left we sat around and drew out possibilities for Addi's stone...not the most celebratory activity, but it was nice to do it as a family.

I really wish Addi had her stone. Days like today would be much easier...ok a tad easier if I had a place to decorate for her.

So that was our day. For the most part I really feel like we skipped Easter this year, but not all together. Next year will be better...well maybe, I have to hope it will be.

2010's much different

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dandelions and other things that make me smile

Now that Spring is here I have noticed all the dandelions popping up all over the place. They remind me of being little and how fun it was to pick them for my mom and grandma. I know they are just weeds, but when you are little they are these beautiful flowers that you are "allowed" to pick when ever and how ever many you want. I remember picking them for both my mom and grandma and how they would put them in a little vase on their tables like they were something special.

When I got a little older I realized that they were just weeds and that it wasn't "cool" to pick them any more...that it is a silly thing young children do. Now I look at them and understand why my mom and grandma took such joy in my gift of weeds. It was because I was giving them to them and that made them special as if they were roses.

It was making me sad to think that Addi would never pick them for me or her grandmas. Today they made me smile. I still hate the fact that Addi will never pick them for me, but when I see them it makes me think of her. Like she put them out for me to see everywhere I go. Almost as if she is saying "look mommy these are for you". I think they are officially my favorite flower...yes dandelions. No, this doesn't mean my husband can get away with giving them to me or that I want a yard full of them, but they do make me happy.

Dandelions should be the official flower for children. They make me smile and it really is the little things in life.

The other highlight of my week was my afternoon with O yesterday. We had a fun after school date. The second she got to my house she went into Addison's room. I needed to take care of the dogs and when I came back I found her reading the new book I bought in the rocking chair.

How cute is she?!? She asked me to bring Addi's footprint stamp to her house. When we got there she brought out her locket and had me put Addi's footprints on one side and Addison's name on the other...I should have taken a picture of it. She wanted a special Addison necklace like mine...too sweet!

Then today, I stopped by yet another cemetery on my way home. I realized it was one I had not gone to yet and wanted to see the baby headstones to make sure I am not missing something beautiful to add to Addison's. Creepy, but true this is my life and these are things I do...the other weird thing I do is...don't judge me here, but I "make friends" there. Yep, you read that right.  I make friends at cemeteries.

I couldn't find the baby area so I rolled down my window and asked a lady who looked like she visited often. Of course we got to talking. She explained that she visits once a week. Her husband is buried there and they were married for 42 years he died of an aneurysm 3 years ago. Our losses are different, but we still are without people we love with all our hearts. She cried when I told her my story and said how glad she was to have met me and that she believed in "earth angels" she said Addison and I were apart of her heart now and she would remember us forever. I don't feel like I am giving our meeting justice in my writing...the story sounds weird, but it wasn't. She was sweet and it just goes to show you how many good people there are out there. I don't know her, but I love her.

Lastly, every time someone donates to Tears in Addison's name I smile. Thank you guys so much. It truly lifts my spirits with each email I get saying a donation has been made. So there is my smile list. It feels oh-so-good to smile.

North Carolina visit with the fam

Grandpa Bill and Grandma Lynn wearing their shirts
A year ago today Brian and I traveled to North Carolina to visit his dad and step-mom. I had never been to NC before, but I was excited to go and even more excited to tell them we were expecting!

I was so nauseous at 8 weeks pregnant with Addison. I never threw up, but I felt like I wanted to 24/7. I was eating carbs constantly because it was the only thing that helped take the edge off the yuck feeling. I was also ridiculously exhausted. I was a little nervous that I would ruin the trip because I felt so yucky and wasn't up for much, but it had been booked long before we found out we were pregnant and I wasn't going to miss out on some quality time with the in-laws!

Bill and Lynn are much more than in-laws so from now on I will refer to them as Brian's parent's (they are mine too, but I don't want people to get confused and think I am talking about my mom and dad). Anyways, they are avid golfers so Brian and I had ordered golfing shirts that said "Grandma Lynn" and "Bill World's Best Grandpa". We got in late, but we couldn't wait to give them their shirts. Before we headed off to bed we presented them with their shirts. Lynn got it right away and it took Bill a second (he has 2 grandsons from Brian's brother and thought it was about them). They were both excited for us! We all said how we were hoping for a girl because there are no granddaughters and very few women!

The whole trip was just wonderful. I couldn't have better second parents! They took they best care of us! I don't think I have ever relaxed so completely on a vacation in my life. I was able to take a nap every day and we were able to just sit and really enjoy each other.

They live on this beautiful golf course and we got to go golfing. When I say we I mean they golfed and I drove the golf cart and sat in the warm NC sun, it was just perfect! They have this huge group of friends and we got to spend time with them. I can honestly say I love their friends, you can tell that they are really just an extended family for each other!

One night they wore their shirts and waited until someone said something to announce they were going to be grandparents again and another night with different friends they had a table center piece with blue and pink golf balls. It was so much fun. Everyone thought we would have a girl...everyone was right!

Another very cool part of that trip was that the annual Relay for Life walk took place during our week there. Bill is a cancer survivor and we got to walk with him and Lynn. Very cool day.

I am so thankful for that trip on so many levels. One it was just great to spend that quality time together and two, it was a week that Addison spent with us with them.

I often tell Brian how much I want to go back, I really love it there! Plus I just have such wonderful memories. It definitely goes down as one of my all-time favorite vacations. I wish NC wasn't so far away; I would love to be able to spend more time together!

After that trip we were trying to figure out the best time for Bill and Lynn to come to WA to see Addison. Of course anytime would have been great, but we were thinking around June would be best because she would be 6 months and have a bit more personality than a newborn.

After that terrible day they were ready to jump on a plane and be with us no matter the cost. It was going to be REALLY expensive for them to do that so we told them that we knew how much they love us and wanted to be with us, but maybe this summer would be better because that way we could really enjoy them. I wish they could have been with us during those days, but this is a much better scenario and really they were with us because we definitely felt the love!

They are coming out here in September and at that time we will spread Addi's ashes as a family, a whole family. We are so lucky to have them and I am so thankful to have another wonderful set of grandparents for Addison.

I get a little misty eyed thinking about that trip...I so wish I could rewind time and do it all over again nausea and all. What a wonderful time that was. What wonderful family we have!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Rock & Walk 2011

In our quest to do things that honor Addison, we have decided to participate in a walk that raises money for families like us to help with funeral expenses.

I remember sitting in the hospital with Addison still in my belly and the words "funeral" and "burial/cremation" were being said out loud. It was so surreal to have been planning to have a baby to take home just hours before and now we were being faced with funeral arrangements on top pf giving birth to baby who was no longer living.

The only thing more daunting than planning a funeral for our daughter was trying to figure out how we were going to pay for everything. We had so many things going on in those moments and the expense of a funeral was something that just added to our fears.

We knew even with good insurance we were facing several thousand dollars in hospital/medical expenses (yes, even when you don't get to take the baby home, you still have to pay all the same bills). It just feels like massive insult to injury.

We had a family friend find out about the Tears Foundation (Thanks Laura) and got to work on getting us some help. They paid for Addison's urn. You wouldn't think such a little urn would be so costly, but it is and it was such a relief to have that part taken care of. We were fortunate to have the funeral home provide the cremation, but not all funeral homes will do that. Tears helps so many families in their darkest hour and I can't tell you how much relief they gave us in such a scary time.

I am so thankful to have such a beautiful urn for my daughter. I know it's a weird thing to have to be thankful for, but that is my reality. It is beautiful, precious and pink. A sweet little bootie that I cherish.

Addi's Urn

So many asked what they could do after we lost Addison and we didn't know what to ask for. So now this is us asking. Please help us help other families in Addison's name.

We love you all and thank you so much in advance. Even $5 adds up, I know things are tough for everyone, but seriously $5 is doable! I really think this will be a healing experience to walk with other families who "get it" and to honor Addison's memory in this way.

Tears Website

**I changed the comment setting on here so it should be easier to leave a comment or ask a question. If you would like to send me a private email, my email address is

Monday, April 18, 2011

Bedtime Stories

I had pictured in my mind a million times reading bedtime stories to Addison. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that instead of reading books like “Goodnight Moon” to Addi I would be reading books about baby loss to Brian.

One of the support groups we go to has a little library to borrow from and so I picked a book called "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". I had heard good things about it so I thought I would give it a try. I had borrowed it three months ago and just finished it last week. Brian seemed interested in it so I made a point only to read it when we were together and had some spare time before bed. It just seemed easier to read aloud instead of having to read over each other’s shoulders.
Even though it took so long to finish it, I am really glad we did it. It was just one more thing that felt like Addison time together. All in all I wasn't a huge fan of the book. Like me, the writer had suffered a full term stillbirth. I of course can relate to that, but there was a lot that I couldn't relate to. She never named her baby...well not a real name...she called him "Pudding" and didn't feel she could give him a different name. While I don't judge her for that choice, it was just the first thing that made me go "hmm". Also it has many French type references and it is hard to read aloud all these French things...maybe I would have like the actual book better if I had read it to myself. Never the less I don't regret reading it, but I also wouldn't read it again or necessarily recommend it.

While reading it I did notice that the part where she talks about feeling guilty for not keeping her son safe was a part I read as fast as I could to get it done with. I think all of us baby loss mamas feel some sort of guilt. True or not, WE are the ones that carry our babies, WE are the ones responsible for them and I know I felt that Addison died on my watch. I let her down, I let everyone down. In my head I know that isn't true, that I kept her safe to the best of my ability, but in my heart I can't let it go.

Maybe I will blog about my guilt one day, but for now I think that is all I can say about it. I constantly have this "guilt cloud" hanging over my head and it may free me to write about it and it may be more than I can handle. So this is all for now.

I just ordered another book called "Life Touches Life". I am looking forward to it coming so story time at the Crawford house can begin again. I also ordered a book called "Someone Came Before You". It is a children's book for our subsequent children that tries to explain just what its title says. It makes me smile to think of having a book that we can read to our children that helps them understand that they have a sister and that she is very much a part of our family...I hope this book is as great as I am hoping it will be.

Wow...I said children...a month ago I was having a hard time wrapping my head around baby no. 2 and now I am thinking about not just no. 2, but 3 and maybe 4...calm down Brian, not all at the same time ;) When we found out we were pregnant with a girl we thought seriously about just having one and calling it good. We thought if we got our girl on the first shot, we could just be happy with her. Now I know more than ever that one more will not be enough.

These past few days have been really good days. No tears and lots of happy times with friends and family. Maybe it’s because last week was such a hard one and I released enough tears to carry me over for this week. Maybe it’s because the sun has been out. Maybe it’s because we went to a meeting and got to talk about Addison with other parents who “get it”…I don’t know, but whatever the reason, it has been a nice few days.

Monday, April 11, 2011

A step in the right direction

It was a hard sad weekend at the Crawford house. Both Brian and I were in a funk we couldn't shake. Sunday (our one day together) was spent being lazy and just having some "us" time. We both felt exhausted even though we went to bed early the night before and were able to sleep in that morning. We were so tired that we decided to take a nap...what are we 80?!? It's exhausting being sad so really takes its toll!

Even after going to bed at a reasonable time last night I am still tired today. Ugh. I got to thinking that maybe I would have something extra yummy for lunch today and skip the gym tonight and then I thought about it again and decided against my rebellion. Eating something yummy and skipping my workout will only make me feel worse in the end so a temporary fix just won't do. I stuck to my healthy lunch and I feel pretty good about it!

I was checking my Facebook as I tend to do throughout the day and saw a post from a new mom about a good deal on some baby stuff she found. At first it made me sad to know that I wasn't in her same club as I should be and then something happened. I decided to go to the website and look at the stuff. It was a nursing cover and a sling and you only had to pay shipping and I bought them! I kind of surprised myself with this purchase. It's not like I went out looking for it, but unintentionally I bought something for baby no 2.

After this purchase I went to look at crib bedding on line. (I had decided that I want new crib bedding no matter the gender and Brian wants to repaint the walls a long time ago). There isn't anything wrong with the things we have, but they were for Addison and it's just weird stuff we want different.

I found some really cute airplane bedding for a boy and am still searching for some purple crib bedding for a girl (Addi got pink so purple would be my hope for a second little girl). It's not like I am going to buy that stuff now, but it was a huge step for me. I was actually enjoying the thought of a second child.

For the first time I asked Brian a few nights ago what he thought about waiting for baby no. 2 and was surprised to hear that he wished we could start on baby no. 2 now. He said he knew I wasn't ready and respected that, but that he was feeling ready to take that step. I was so surprised and a little taken aback. It scared me knowing I wasn't ready and that he and so many are ready for us to start again.

Today I am much less scared. I know it will come in waves, but today I am looking forward to the possibility of a second child...a sibling for Addison. This doesn't mean I am ready to start today, but by the time our ""safe" date given to us by our doctor comes I may be ready whereas before I didn't see that happening.

I was told by several people that they thought our cruise vacation would bring us a second pregnancy and I can confirm that is not the case. I have already been asked so I thought I would just put it out there that I am NOT pregnant. :)

Here are the great deals that started it all. Thanks D! - enter promo code WASHINGTON
Get a free cover at with promo code seven

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Caribbean sunshine is good for the soul!

Addi in Aruba
I have had a hard time sitting down to write this blog because there is so much to say...I don't want to leave anything out, but I also want to keep it short...we'll see how well I do!

I was having a really good day the Friday we left. I wanted to blog about it, but was too busy getting everything ready so we could leave. The days before were really tough and emotionally draining, but Friday was a really good day.

I am always nervous to fly and felt like it could be my last day on earth...go ahead laugh at me, but I know better than most how just because the odds are against you doesn't mean you are safe.

When we finally landed in San Juan, Puerto Rico I felt like I could relax. I was so glad to be there safe with Brian and meet up with my parents and siblings. The sun felt amazing and we couldn't get to the beach fast enough...I headed straight for the ocean. The water has always been a happy place for me, but I felt so amazing in that moment. It was the best I have felt since my world fell apart.

The next day we boarded the ship and were feeling the Caribbean spirit! We had 3 balcony rooms side by side by side. It was perfect because it allowed us the right amount of time together as a family and the right amount of alone time as a couple.

There were still sad days on the trip, but they had a different feel to them. It was like Addi was with us every second, but the sad yucky parts were up on a shelf and we were shielded from that overwhelming sadness that can take over. Another great bonus was that babies under 6 months aren't allowed to cruise so we didn't have to see any babies Addi's age and there were only 2 pregnant woman. It was still hard to see little girls with their moms and dads, but that is our reality no matter where we are.

Our first stop was St. Thomas. A fan favorite of my group. Brian and I each got something nice. We each picked out something that we will get for when baby no. 2 comes around. His new watch and my new earrings are safely stored away until that day arrives. This is us being optimistic. Plus shiny things make us happy :) We rarely indulge in jewelry so this was quite a treat.

We spent the days exploring the ports, the rest were Grenada and Dominica (I didn't care much for them, but the lamest Island in the Caribbean is still a great place to be)then Bonaire and Aruba. Brian had great fun snorkeling in Bonaire and I love love love Aruba! The nights were spent as a family. We ate dinner together every night and usually found some entertainment on the ship. We took advantage of the pools and hot tubs and when the days were really over we would all meet up in one room to play Taboo.

Let me explain Taboo. It's a game where you are given a card with a word on it that you have to get your teammate to guess. You can't say any part of the word or the list of words underneath it. Alex had asked me to buy it for the trip and since it was his trip I was happy to do it. I had stopped by Target to pick it up before we left. I had just enough left on a gift card to buy was a gift card I had left over from taking back a few baby related things we no longer needed. I felt like it was Addison's contribution to the trip. It made playing it that much more fun because it was like she was with us too. Any time Addi was relevant the person would use her to describe the word we needed to guess...I love how my family incorporates her into everything big and small.

The whole trip I wanted to find a good beach to write Addison's name in the sand, but none of the beaches were quite right. On the last day in Aruba there was a perfect beach, but I hadn't factored in the sun's position. We weren't able to see the camera's screen so we were taking pictures blindly and hoping a few would turn out ok. We have 3 that I am happy with.

It was my mom’s mission to find a blue topaz pendant (Addi’s birthstone). Each port we would check every jewelry store for the perfect one. We weren’t able to find one that my mom loved and she wasn’t going to settle on one that was just ok. It was nice that every day we would be out looking for something Addison related. I love that my mom wants her very own “Addi necklace”. We are still on the lookout for the illusive blue topaz pendent!

All in all it was the best getaway. An amazing escape from reality with people we love. I came back feeling refreshed and smiling bigger than I have in such a long time. It's amazing what a tan and a vacation can do for your spirit. Caribbean sunshine really is good for the soul. I am so thankful to my parents for putting this whole trip together. There is nothing out there that can "fix" us, but this was certainly appreciated and enjoyed.

When it was time to get ready to come home I just kept thinking how not ready I was. I wish we could have stayed another week...another month or maybe even forever! It's never fun to come home after a great trip, but this was different...I had nothing to come home to that I was excited about...I really could have stayed forever!

When we got to the airport there was a couple waiting to board the same plane as Brian and I. They were saying that they had a great cruise, but couldn't wait to get home to their 2 and 4 year old boys (yay for boys) I wanted to tell them how lucky they were to have that to look forward to, but I didn't. It just reminded me how I really didn't have anything/one to look forward to when I got home...I didn't even miss my dogs!

I'm leaving out a ton, but this post has taken me a week to write and I am tired of having to come back to it...usually I write one in 20 minutes and it just comes out...this one is just not coming to me and I feel like it is stopping me from writing other things that are on my mind. So I'm done trying for this one! My heart is just not in it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

4 Months

Really four months already?!? My book says this milestone is what "most consider the golden age of babyhood-a period of several enchanted months when good humor reigns during the day, more sleep happening at night". I'm not making that up, it's right out of the book! Although any stage would be the "golden age" to us!

After 4 months there is still a tingle in my left foot from the epidural. Some days it isn't as noticeable and some like today it's all I can do not to move it around. It's so weird, but I don't hate it. I also had a TON of phantom movement in my belly this month...seriously, why does that happen?!? I have a love hate relationship with that as well.

I feel ok this morning (so far). Whenever I am having a "good day" I am always weary of what is to come. I was up early this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so it seemed like a good time to blog.

I read other BLM blogs daily and discovered after being away and coming back that I bite my nails like crazy the whole time I read them...not really sure why, just something weird I discovered. I usually read them during the day, but eventually I hope to do it later in the day. I have heard it is good to designate a time of the day to really focus on this loss. Addi will still be on my mind throughout the day, but I can see where it would be nice to allow myself a time frame to focus on the yucky parts so they don't come around so theory!

Yesterday was an ok day too. The one thing that bummed me out was to hear one of Brian's co-workers is expecting. She is a great lady, super nice, married blah blah blah, but for the first time I'm not excited for a friend. Maybe I just hit my limit of friend excitement or maybe it's in part to coming home to 3 new baby girls on my facebook and one chick who found out she is having a girl...seriously doesn't anyone have boys?!?

Anyways back to Brian's co-worker. The icing on the cake is that her due date is my exact due date with have to be kidding me! Now Brian has to watch her grow everyday in the same time frame as I did with Addi and I will have to see her whenever I come in his office.

I brought Brian a coffee yesterday and he asked if I wanted to congratulate her in front of a different co-worker. I kind of surprised myself when I said no. The co-worker kind of looked at me strange and I just said you know, I am not there yet. I'm sure I will be happy for her someday, but it won't be today or tomorrow! She was saying how she thought it was so cool that our due dates were the same. I was like well it's ok that you think that, but I don't and I'm not there yet. I just looked at her and said it's ok that I can't be happy about this, I'm allowed to feel this way. Whether she thinks worse of me now is her problem not mine, I really don't care if she can't understand. I hope she doesn't tell her what I said, but if she does, I would be ok with it because it's how I feel. I think if she is having a boy I would feel better, but with my luck it will be a girl...fml.

I only have two friends that I am hoping for girls for them. A fellow BLM who so deserves her second girl and friend having twins, I really hope at least one is a girl, they really deserve a girl! The rest better be having boys ;)

My project for this month was supposed to be Addi's stone, but I just couldn't deal with it and all the other craziness going on this month. I finally had to let it go and come to terms with working on it after our trip. I have a rough sketch of what I want and really the only part we need to figure out is what saying or note we want on there. The rest is pretty much decided. I think I am even coming to terms with using the blue stone. I hate using blue for our little girl, but the pink they have is not a good one and the blue stones I have seen look really pretty.

I went to the cemetery yesterday and Angel(the baby boy born in the hospital room next to us and had his funeral right after we had Addi's in the same place) has his stone. It was all in Spanish so I'm not really sure what is says, but I will look it up. His date on his stone was actually the 4th, but I still feel a very special connection to him and his mommy. I hope someday to meet her. I sat with it for a while, touched it and it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy to see he had his stone and I am relieved to have the spot next to his reserved for Addi's stone.

I will blog later about our cruise. It was wonderful on many levels, but I am still trying to sort out what I want to say before I can blog about it. There were still sad days, but I can say that it is much nicer to be sad in the Caribbean than it is to be sad at home!

Four months...oh Addi we miss you every single second of every single day. You are a part of everything we do. As others start to think we should be "getting over" our loss we cling tighter to our memories of you. I try to close my eyes and think back to how you felt in my arms. I can still feel you and I hope that feeling never leaves me. I resent the people who think that a second child is the magic cure all. You will never be replaced. We love you truly, madly and fiercely.

All my love,

Friday, April 1, 2011

April Fools/Telling my family

April 1st is a day that stands out very clear to me. Last year it landed on a Thursday, which most people know is Grey's Anatomy night at my mom's house. I knew my family would be together, so that's the day we decided to tell the family of our pregnancy.

I really didn't want to tell them on April Fools because I wanted them to know I was serious, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Brian and I were both nervous about telling my parents. I know it sounds weird, we were plenty old enough and married so we were legit, but it was still scary. As much as I knew my parents would be wonderful grandparents, I wasn't sure they were ready for the "grandparent" title. They are both in their early 50's and don’t look like your typical grandparents! I just kept thinking that my mom was 26 and my dad was 27 when I was born and we are both older than that so they couldn't be too mad!

Even though we were only 6 weeks pregnant, we couldn't hold in our secret any longer! Brian and I had gone shopping and put a baby themed Easter basket together for them. I found some dark cellophane and made it so you couldn't see in until it was unwrapped.

The whole ride over I was freaking out...nervous of what their reactions would be. This was it, no going back...they were about to know that Brian and I don't just hold hands! Yikes! they probably guessed that since we are married that had taken place, but now it was confirmed! LOL!

My dad was just finishing up an appointment and Brian and I were anxiously waiting for the moment when we could present them with the basket. When my dad was FINALLY finished (ok so we probably only waited 10 minutes for him, but it felt like a lifetime)! We gave them the basket to open. My mom got it almost right away, but it took my dad a second. I think he was in shock!

My mom hugged us right away and seemed happy (for those of you that know my mom know she doesn't show much emotion on the outside so we took it as a good sign)! My dad just kept repeating that he thought we were going to wait another year (keep in mind we had been together for 4 years and married for almost 2 of those). In his mind we were waiting one more year and he had trouble letting it go.

We told both sets of grandparents and they were both thrilled for us. My mom's parents were especially excited because this was not only a baby for us, but their very first great-grandchild!

It didn't take long for my dad to jump on the bandwagon. We told them we were waiting to announce our news to everyone until we heard the heartbeat, but my dad couldn't wait, he was telling EVERYONE! We were ok with it, if it made him excited to tell everyone then we were all for it!

It was the best April Fools without a real fool! I'm still surprised looking back that everyone believed us so quickly.
After 9 months of waiting they were more than ready to be Addi's Grandma Karen and Papa. I am so very thankful for my parents. Not only were they with us the hospital, but they WANTED to be with Addi. They couldn't get enough of her. I can't imagine what it would have been like if they would have been afraid to hold/see her. I will never forget the way they looked at her and held her so close. It was very clear that either of them would have traded places with her if they could have. They love her so unconditionally.

Every time my parents came into the hospital room they both went straight for her. They watched carefully as the nurse bathed her (I think they were making sure she was doing it right). When it was time to dress her they did it together, ever so gently. From her white fluffy butt tights to putting the dress over her head to her little black patten leather shoes my mom had bought for her.

I was in such a haze at that time, but can remember those moments watching them watching her so vividly.

I don't post pictures of our sweet baby girl because I can't stand the thought of even one person being weirded out by seeing a dead baby, but there is one picture where my parents are holding their granddaughter together my mom's hand is shielding her sweet little face. The look on both of their faces is just pure love and one that I feel is appropriate to share.