Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sulking and Crying and Yelling, Oh My!

So my rough morning yesterday turned out to be an entire rough day and night. I couldn't get home from work fast enough and got my necklace on right away. It helped a little. I let the dogs out and was pleased to find that I hadn't forgotten anything big that morning (all the doors were closed and I remembered to lock the front door etc.).

Usually I will change out of my work clothes right away, but not yesterday. I managed to throw together a quick dinner and plopped down on the couch where I would remain for the rest of the night.

Brian called on his way home with what seemed like a million and one questions. What's for dinner, what's the plan for tonight, was I going to my mom's house, was I going to the gym, did I finish packing blah blah blah. I was super annoyed. I felt like I was being grilled even though deep down I know that was not what was happening.

When he got home he started asking the same questions...he frequently forgets which questions he has asked so he just runs them by me again. Normally this is no big deal, but last night I was not in the mood. When I said that I wasn't going to the gym he wanted to know why (he knows I haven't been sleeping well and knows how much the gym helps with that). I said that I just didn't want to and that I was having a sad day. I thought that would be a good enough answer, but it didn't seem like it was to him.

He finally left to go to the gym himself and I was alone. I knew I needed to go to my mom's, do laundry, finish packing etc., but I couldn't make myself get off the couch. I wasted the night sulking, watching television and playing words with friends (it’s like scrabble) on my phone. I'm not happy about it, but I needed an evening of nothing after my day.

When Brian came home it was the same thing AGAIN. I just burst into tears. I was hanging by a thread all day and this was the last straw. Usually he is so good to know what I need and last night was the first time I felt like he didn't "get me" (how dare Brian for not being a mind reader) lol. The more he questioned me the more I cried and the more I cried the more I yelled. I am not generally a yeller, but it's like I couldn't control the volume of my voice and he was irritating the crap out of me (sorry Brian). I just kept hoping he would realize that grilling me wasn't what I needed and that he would either stop talking or hold me, but he didn't.

I finally just removed myself from the conversation and decided to take a nice long hot shower. It was then that I realized I was still in my work clothes, wow I was out of it. Showers are really great places to do some good thinking and even better crying. The water must have been really hot because my skin was bright red when I got out. I have no clue how long I was in there for, but once I got out I know Brian was worried there wouldn’t be enough hot water left for him…oops.

After that I was able to tell Brian what it was that I was needing from him and why his approach was not a helpful one. He really didn't do anything wrong, but we just have to know what is helpful and what is hurtful to each other. He has been so great these last almost 4 months that I forgot that he is human and can't read my mind!

I feel bad for how I reacted last night, but the truth is that I hit a wall (metaphorically) and the best way for me to move forward s to let myself feel what I am feeling when I am feeling it. I love my husband and he didn't deserve the wife he got last night.

The one bonus to all of this is that I was emotionally and physically exhausted last night and slept like a rock. I woke up feeling like myself today so I have a lot to do to try and catch up from this funk I was in. I didn't sign up for this, but it is what it is.

Writing really helps me when I am upset, so you can imagine how much journaling I did last night. It will be hard not having access to my blog on the cruise, but I will take a journal and write while I am away. I am hoping yesterday was the lowest point of my week and that the trip will be "panic free"...here's hoping!

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