Thursday, March 24, 2011

March, the month that started it all

The month of March brings a series of mixed emotions for me. We tried for several months to get pregnant, but I remember March 2010 very vividly. I was taking my temperature every morning and ovulation tests as needed. I could tell you with certainty when and where Addison was conceived...I said I could that doesn’t mean I will ;) This is the month we found out our lives would change forever. We had no idea what was in store for us, but knew no matter what we would never be the same…little did we know we would get much more than we bargained for.

I was so worried something was wrong with me and that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. This month was the first month I was actually relaxed about it. We had started hanging out with a new group of friends (none of which had children) we were being very active and just enjoying life. I was working out hard and really enjoying it. It was the first month where I thought I could actually not be sad when a pregnancy test would come up negative. Especially because our due date would be in December and I would rather not have this baby get lost in the month of Christmas!

I actually told Brian how this was the one month that I wouldn't be sad when I took yet another negative pregnancy test. He started laughing and said I bet you are pregnant then! I laughed, but didn't think about it much further.

One year ago today on March 24, 2010, (it was 2 days after my cycle should have started) Brian woke me up early in the morning. He was getting ready for work and was anxious for me to take a pregnancy test before he left. I was annoyed to be woken up so early and kept insisting I wasn't pregnant. I finally decided to get up and appease him.

After taking the test we saw the lightest second line you have ever seen. So light that Brian and I were like hmmm is that a line? Brian was asking if we were supposed to get excited. I didn't know. I didn't have to "go" again so I couldn't take a second test. He kissed me goodbye and left for work.

After that I was so mad at him. I was fine with waiting and now I HAD to know. At lunch I went and bought another test and took it in the bathroom at work. There was another extremely light second line. Pregnant! I was so happy. It was the hardest thing to keep a secret. I just wanted to shout it out from the rooftops! I waited until Brian got home and presented him with a watch. I told him it would be the last nice present he ever got because he was going to be a dad now and all our money was to be spent on the baby.

We went out to dinner to celebrate. We told my brother, sister and best friend and tried to keep our secret as secret as possible. This is the month it all started. From now on each month we go through will bring a new wave of emotions more "anniversary" type dates to remember. We already did all the "this is our last Easter, birthday, 4th of July etc. without a baby" We knew by these holidays there would be baby with us and were great with that, we had our last date, last movie night, last everything without Addi. We were happy to stop doing things as a couple and start doing things as a family. Now with each holiday we will experience it without Addison and that is terrible all on its own.

March, I love you and I hate you. You brought into my life all the wonderful hopes and dreams I had ever imagined and now that you are here again, you are just a painful reminder of all my dreams that are not only missing from this year, but for every year for the rest of our lives.

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