Monday, March 21, 2011

Heartbeats

I hate them. Hate them, hate them, hate them! You would think after my experience I would want to hear a heartbeat, but you would be wrong. They make me cringe.

Every time I watch a move or a television show and they show a heartbeat or have that sound on it upsets me. If I am lying next to Brian and can hear his I will rearrange myself so I don't have to listen to it anymore.

It's not like I wish it wasn't there. I am so glad it is, it's just that I don't want to hear it. It's too painful of a reminder of the one thing that was missing on that day.

The day we went in to hear Addison's heartbeat for the first time was at our 10 week appointment. I was told my uterus was tilted and that they might not find it until later in the pregnancy so I was prepared not to hear it. When the doctor found it we were so excited. Neither of us cried, but we were overcome with a happiness I cannot explain. Brian recorded it on his phone. It's a sound I have not been able to listen to since losing her, but I have it saved for a day when I think I can handle it.

It seems like such a simple thing. You just expect it to be there every time. Each appointment they would find her heartbeat right away and they would look at me so excited and I would think yep, there it is again, ba bump ba bump! Happy, but not truly delighting in each little ba bump.

I think about what it will be like to go in and hear baby no. 2's heartbeat and wonder if I will even be able to listen to it. It's hard to explain how badly I want it to be there, but don't want to actually hear it for myself. It's one of the ways I am changed forever. There are so many, but this is one.

I think this is just one more sign that I am not ready to be pregnant again just yet. I have found the list of things I have made for myself of things I need to accomplish before we can think about baby no. 2 hasn't changed much. I have all these things to cross off my list and not many have been done. It's like I am self-sabotaging myself so I don't have to think about it yet.

Logically I know that I need to get everything done on my list so when I am ready there is nothing left to do, but try. I can't always depend on logic. It has failed me in the past so now I just have to do things on my own time.

I took one good big step this weekend and it did provide me with some relief...nervous relief, but still some. It's hard to concentrate for me a lot these days, but especially with our trip being so close. I was able to find my summer clothes from 2 summers ago (all my last summer clothes were maternity). I think I have a good start on my packing. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this trip (happy to be going/feeling guilty for getting to go since I should be home with a 3 month old).

I think it will be good to get away. Feel the sun again and spend some quality time with my family and husband. I can't believe my baby brother is graduating from high school with his AA. I am so proud of him. I hope this trip can be all about him and his accomplishments.

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