Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The good, the bad and the crazy!

Sometimes I will write a blog and then I don't post it just because it is helpful for me to release whatever I am feeling by writing it down. This is one I was not going to post, but it is part of the process for me so even though it may be a bit crazy, I can own my crazy. So here it goes.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011 9:33am
Panic for me started on Sunday. It was the day I was supposed to start my period. I know my cycle may be different now, but before Addison I was every 21 days like clockwork. Sunday came and...nothing. By Sunday night I started to freak out. It should be here by now....where is it?!?!

I do want to be pregnant again, but I really want to wait the 6 months my doctor recommended for health and emotional reasons. I tried to stay calm about it, but I couldn't help, but freak out. I'm not ready, I'm not ready to be pregnant, I'm not ready to be pregnant in almost the exact same months I was pregnant with Addison, I'm not ready physically (I still have baby weight to lose) I'm not ready to give a second baby all my attention. I need all my attention to go towards Addison, we are not ready financially, and we are still paying off all of our medical bills. I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

I realize that I am not in control of a lot in life, but this is something I thought I had more control of. It took a year of serious trying for Addison and we have been seriously trying NOT to get pregnant this last month or so.

I can't handle having to tell my family and my doctor...they all know how much more risk will be involved with a pregnancy so early after the first. I would feel like a teenager getting in trouble! Ugh I have so many thoughts right now and I haven't even taken a test to confirm my fears. I'm terrified, yes terrified.

I am planning on taking a test tonight after I get home from work, but in the meantime my stomach is in knots. I really feel like I could throw up or start crying at any given moment.

Just to torture myself further, I looked up when my due date would be. It would be November 8, 2011. That's less than a month before Addison's first birthday and I would be pregnant over almost the exact same time period. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with Addi we went on a vacation to NC to visit Brian's parents...if I am pregnant I would be 8 weeks pregnant when we go on the cruise.

I know I shouldn't panic until I know for sure, but I can't help it. Hopefully I am just being a freak and my period will return any second. It's so weird to wish for it when all I have wanted is to be closer to a baby, but I'm not ready. I feel like if I am I wouldn't even be able to get excited because I will just be waiting for something bad to happen i.e. miscarriage.

I just can't think positive and then have something horrible happen. I am not ready to go through any of that. It's still too raw. I don't know how I will get through this...I'm not ready.

I probably won’t publish this post, but I had to write about it and get it out, it’s the only thing that gives me any kind of real release. I already feel like I can breathe a bit better. I have a feeling this is going to be a looonnnngggg day!

Now that I have had a few hours to breathe, I feel much better. There is a calmness over me that I cannot explain. I will go buy a test when I leave for lunch, but I will wait to take it with Brian tonight. As much as I don't feel ready, if I am pregnant then we will celebrate the fact that we were able to even get pregnant again. Not everyone gets a second chance and for that I will be grateful.

There is no ideal scenario here because our family picture will always have a missing person in it. If I am pregnant and this pregnancy is results in a baby then great and if I am not or it doesn't end in a take home baby then we will deal with it as it comes.

I am almost positive I am, but I will wait to find out. If not then maybe we can have a good laugh at crazy old me! I expect to be a bit crazy as this process moves closer to a second child. I can own the craziness, I have earned it.

5:10pm Test is negative! I thought I would have a really strong reaction, but I don't. I wasn't sad or happy that it was negative. I think maybe that is a good sign...I don't really know. If anything I am relieved to have more time to get all the things done that I had planned on doing before getting pregnant again. I will be going to the gym tonight and really putting some serious effort into this other thing I am working on...sorry to be vague, but I don't want to say or write about it yet.

Wow, that was a roller coaster of a day with my emotions. I would love to say that will be my last freak out, but the truth is that I know there will be many more to come. I didn’t ask to ride this roller coaster, but since I don’t have a choice, I will just deal with everything as it comes…the good the bad and the crazy!

PS Alisa and Sarah don’t be mad I didn’t share this with you pre-blog. There are lots of times I would rather write about things then talk about them. I promise when I am pregnant you will not find out via blog!


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