Saturday, March 5, 2011

3 Months

Wow...just typing 3 months brings out all sorts of tears and sadness...I'm finding it hard to see the screen through my blurry eyes.

3 months is a time frame I have given myself over the years as a good indicator on how things will go. Like when you start a new job by the 3 month mark you pretty much know if you are going to like it or not. Same with relationships, by 3 months you have a pretty good idea whether you like the person and can see things going forward or not.

I don't know what I expected today would be. Brian looked at me a few days ago and said he thought this was supposed to get easier, but he feels like it is just getting harder. He had a little girl in his store with a brown and pink polk-a-dot dress with pink tights. He called me to tell me about her and how hard it was for him to see her. Talk about a broken hearted daddy.

Today I decided to start out the day with a body combat class at the gym (it's like tae bo). It was a great workout, but she kept telling us to get mad, the more I got mad the harder I punched and yeah I am beyond mad. I should be celebrating 3 month mile stones today and instead I am reliving the loss of our baby. I could feel the tears coming and held them back as best as possible. I sure it just looked like I was wiping sweat off my face. After the class I got an email that was exactly what I needed at that moment. Thanks B!

I drove past the cemetery on the way home. Apologizing to Addi for not having her stone yet. When I got home I just needed to sit in her room. I couldn't help but open all her drawers of clothes. All clean unworn 0-3 month clothing folded and waiting for her. I can't help but wonder if we would be switching to all of her 3-6 month clothing now or if she would have long ago outgrown them since she had such a long body. As it was her newborn outfit she wore at the hospital was like 3/4 sleeves on her.

I'm sure we would be taking pictures of her today and bringing her by Brian's office for a visit. The sun is out today and I am sure we would have spent the day out and about showing her off to everyone.

I would say 99% of the announcements are out and I am so pleased about that. I feel like I accomplished something for her and that gives me a small bit of peace.
I'm not really sure why today is so much harder that months 1 and 2, but it is. I just feel so much farther away from her. I feel like I have put in my time and now it's time to get her back. I'm ready, I've done everything with as much grace and strength as possible and I need her back now. I'm tired of this broken heart.

I feel like I should be making more progress and instead I feel like for every one step forward I take there are 3 steps back. Like strangers who are pregnant I didn't used to look away and now I do, babies too. My friends still don't bother me and I think that's because I know they really do love and "deserve" their babies. I hate women that complain about their pregnancy, they make me crazy. I just want to shake them and tell them that this could be their ONLY time with their babies and they should treasure it no matter how uncomfortable they think they are.

I never felt "over" my pregnancy and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I knew I wouldn't get to keep her and that was our only time together. If I had to be pregnant for the rest of my life just to have her with us in some way I would do it. I miss my baby. Plain and simple I just miss her.

Just to torture myself further I broke out my "What to Expect the First Year" book. I think I bought it the minute I found out I was pregnant. I had to read the 3 month chapter. The thing that jumped out at me the most was to read that she would be laughing now...laughing...can you even imagine. The sound of a baby's laugh is so contagious and wonderful. I would give anything for that.

I really don't feel like doing much else today...I already feel emotionally drained for the day. I do have one project that I need to finish so I will push myself to get that done. I accomplished my goal of the announcements by month 3 and now I think the headstone will be my month 4 project. It's hard because I don't want to rush it and have it not be right, but I need it, it's hard to explain how much I think it would help me.

3 months...3 months. I can't stop saying it. I miss you Addi, I miss you so much it hurts. Daddy misses you too. You couldn't have been born to two people that would love you more. We carry you every day in our hearts and our minds. It's so weird to think that this time last year our worlds were so different. We knew we wanted a baby, but had no idea where that year would take us. We were so full of hope. We still hold onto hope, but it is a different kind of hope. We hope we make you proud and there isn't a second that goes by that we don't ache for you. Love you baby girl.

Thank you to my friends who remembered today and sent the messages/texts. I love you guys!


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