Friday, February 4, 2011

My Perfect Daughter

I struggle with the fact that to us Addison will always be perfect. You might think that is not a problem, but it worries me for baby no. 2. How will that baby ever be able to live up to the perfection that is Addison?

Brian tells me all the time that we can't let Addison be perfect in our minds, but how am I supposed to think of her as anything less than that? In my mind she is the baby that sleeps through the night, nurses like a champ and rarely cries. She was such a sweet gentle baby in my belly; I just know she would have been like that her whole life.

I am a worrier by nature. My main worry would be that we won't be able to have more children and then if we do something will go wrong or the baby could have problems. Then say that all that turns out ok my next worry would be that it wouldn't be another girl. I REALLY want a daughter not that I don't want a son, it's just that I feel especially jipped now and really want a little girl. Now say we DO get another girl. I worry that she won't be as beautiful as Addison or as sweet. I want her to look like her so I can know that's how Addison would have looked. Now say it's a girl and she looks just like Addison, I worry that this new baby will always live in the shadow of Addison...see I am a worrier!

What if because the next baby isn't perfect like Addison is in my head I can't connect as well. What if that child feels like I love Addison more? What if I can never relax and become a helicopter mom (always hovering over my kid) because I am terrified something bad will happen. What if, what if, what if????

I know you will tell me that when the next baby comes none of that will matter because I will love them regardless blah blah blah, but it won't stop me from worrying about it!

My daughter was perfect, she is perfect. She will never talk back to me, she will never misbehave, never get in a fight, never have a broken heart, never bring home a weird boy with green hair, she will never disappoint us...she will never...

Then there are all the things she will never do that make that list above seem so worth going through...she will never look me in the eyes, never smile or laugh, never let me braid her hair, never go to school, fall in love, get married and have Brian walk her down the aisle, never give us grandchildren...never never.

Every day I see different things and think Addison would be doing this or she would never do that. I wonder which dog she would have loved the most and if she would prefer Brian over me, but nowhere in my mind is she anything less than perfect. If I could have ordered a baby out of a catalog it would have been Addison. I remember looking at her after she was born just trying to find some kind of imperfection that I could say ok, well at least she was spared from getting teased at school for _____(fill in the blank), but nope nothing…freaking PERFECT!

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