Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Headstones

I really wish I was better about letting things happen, but when I get an idea I am like a dog with a bone and I can't let it go! Headstones are on my mind 24/7. I HATE that Addison doesn't have one yet. I am putting all my energy into creating the perfect headstone for her...if there is such a thing.

I drive passed the cemetery at least twice a day (it's on my route to and from work)and I stop by at least once a week...I am getting close to having all the babies names memorized!

After meeting with the guy at the funeral home I went on a mission to look at all the baby areas in the local cemeteries. There are 3 close to my house so those are the ones I went to. I had O with me on Saturday and she wanted to go, so I brought her. You may find it weird that I brought a 7 year old with me to do that, but Addison meant so much to her and I think it helped her to be part of this. I would never do anything with her that I didn't think she could handle. I am as protective over her and her brother as I am over Addison!

She was pretty cute skipping around the cemetery. It wasn't scary to her. She would yell out when she found a pretty stone for me to look at "what about this one for Addison"? We took pictures of our favorite ones so we make sure to get every element in Addison's stone that we love. We picked up her brother A from soccer and headed to the last place. O made the comment that she was sad because Addison's car seat should be next to her in the back seat. A tried to get her to be quiet (he was trying to protect me), but I told him it was ok for us to talk about it and that O was right, Addi should be next to her in the backseat.

I found one stone of a baby who died just after Addison and she already had her stone...I felt some crazy bad mommy guilt for not having one for Addison. It broke my heart even more and made me more determined to get going on this project!

We were almost done when another car drove up. It was a fellow blm and her family. I won't tell any of the specifics, but I just wanted to share how wonderful it was to meet her. We were strangers, but had an instant bond. A was able to talk with one of her sons and I think that was so great for him. I feel so badly that A and O don't have a real title for their relationship with Addi. They are like siblings to her, but they don't have an outlet to talk about her except with their parents and my family. I love that they love her so much. I just plain love them!

After all those places I had a lot to think about. Yesterday I met with the guy from the funeral home to discuss details. I saw some stones were bigger than the original measurements he had given me and he said we could have a bigger one if we wanted.

Now I need to email the funeral home I am ordering from to make sure they can do all the things I want. So the ball is officially rolling! I think Brian was a little hurt that I did all these things without him, but I wasn’t trying to leave him out, it’s just that this is a huge priority to me where he feels it can happen eventually. You can bet that nothing will get ordered until I have his seal of approval after all he is the dad!

At lunch the song “Making Memories of Us” by Keith Urban came on the radio. It just happens to be our song and the one we danced our first dance to at our wedding. It has such a deeper meaning to me now when I listen to the words. It’s funny how you can hear a song a million times and the meaning can change or just be so much deeper than you ever thought possible. I haven’t heard since losing Addi, but it made me tear up almost right away. Here are the lyrics.

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a
voice that you have never heard

I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where
the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust
Making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention
Like a bad outlaw

And I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better
Than it's ever been

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Coming your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits
But it's alright now

And i'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you
With a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust
Making memories of us

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust
Making memories of us

Brian has lived up to all of that and so much more! I can't help but get all twitterpated when I think of my husband. It's just such an amazing gift that Addi gave us.

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