Friday, February 25, 2011

Crap

Crap crap crap! So...today I got a card in the mail from the bank girl I complained about the other day saying she was thinking about me and it had a Starbucks gift card included. Now I feel like a jerk! This sort of thing has happened to me several times. Just when I think oh good, I can be mad at someone for saying something dumb they go and do something nice and then I feel bad, which makes me sad...it is so much easier being mad than sad...can't I just be mad for a change! That may or may not makes sense to you, but it is how I feel.

I'm a little sad already today, so as much as I appreciate this card even it makes me sad. Ugh. Last night was tough, the day part was good, but on our way home I could feel my heart start to ache, my tummy start to hurt, my throat getting tight and my eyes starting to burn...I know where that leads! When we got home it was really late and I needed to go to bed, but I really NEEDED to see her pictures first. I jumped on the computer and scrolled through all of Addi’s pictures. Trying to remember exactly how she felt and exactly how she smelled.

There she was all 8lbs of her, exactly how I remember her in my head. I studied the pictures closely looking at her nose that she got from me, her dimple chin that she got from Brian, her round ears that she got from her Papa, her finger nails from her Auntie Alisa and her long narrow feet she got from her Grandma Karen and her Uncle Alex.

It's funny how sometimes I feel like I forget in my mind, but when I see pictures, she is exactly the way I remember her. I feel so lucky that she looked so much like all of us. Most babies look like one of their parents or not like them at all. We had such a short time so it was so special that we could see all these traits right off the bat. Even the nurse commented on how much she looked like us.

When I climbed into bed last night I could feel the tears coming. It's been over a week since the last time I cried myself to sleep so I guess I was due for a good cry. I'm still feeling a little down today, but it did help to get it out last night.

I need to finish the announcements today…I have been so excited for them and now that they are here I keep putting them off. I have a feeling sending them out will bring a mixed bag of emotions for me. I guess it would be best to send them out today so I have the whole weekend to recover from it. After I sent in the obituary it was a weight off my shoulders, but a mountain of emotions…I am trying to prepare myself as best I can!

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