I have been reading a lot and I mean A LOT of other BLM blogs (BLM means baby loss mom...apparently that is my title for this new "club" I joined into. Anyways, I am always surprised when I read about how little time they got with their babies. This makes me so sad for them and yet so thankful for all the time we got with Addison, it still wasn't enough, but much more than what they got.
I really feel like for how terrible this has been that we got the best outcome given our situation. Hopefully that makes sense to you! I have always gone to church and I believe in God, but I have never been a "super religious" person so you might expect me to be angry at God, but I have never felt that. I feel like what happened to us was going to happen no matter what and God is responsible for the people that were put in our path to carry us through the hardest hours even minutes of our lives.
When I found out there was no heartbeat I was by myself with only strangers to comfort me until Brian got there. In steps D. the nurse that was assigned to do my NST. She instantly climbed in bed with me held me, let me cry on her and wail in her ear. She is a nurse, but she doesn't get paid extra for that!
Then it happened that my favorite doctor was on call that day. Thank goodness for Dr. B! He came in to discuss our options and broke down in tears with us, talk about compassionate. He basically told us that from here on out, we call the shots and whatever way we wanted to handle things would be the way it would happen.
My whole family lives close and were able to get to us in minutes including all of my grandparents. My husband was a complete rock star and wouldn't leave my side. So many feel alone in this and alone is something I have never had to feel. That night I was given another wonderful nurse. I didn't have Addison until the next morning and D was back and was assigned to me again. She was the one who got us through the labor she told Brian and I what to do and we did it. I really credit her for carrying our whole family through the hardest days of our lives. She had to be heaven sent.
Addison was born at 10:40am on Sunday. I was so fortunate to have a husband that was on the same page as I was. We never even discussed it, but we both wanted to hold her and take pictures. I have read others where husbands wouldn't even look at their baby.
We got her from 10:40 that day till late that night. We even took a nap with her. We scrunched on to one hospital bed and put her in the middle of us. We took lots and lots of pictures and everyone got to hold her. S the night nurse took her late that night and brought her back to us early the next morning. On Monday they found I had an infection and needed to stay 24 more hours. THANK GOD for that infection. It gave us a whole extra day with our baby. We had her all day Monday and family came by again to spend time together.
Brian changed her diaper and her outfit. We cut her nails and my dad cut her hair. I sang to her and kissed her a million times. As far as the things we had control over I have very little regrets. Addison got to sit in a room full of people who loved her unconditionally. My family was so great, it didn't even occur to me until later that it may weird people out to be in a room with a dead baby, to us she was just our baby. A nurse told us that some of the other nurses on staff thought it was odd that we still had her...NURSES that work there, that floored me, but at the same time I didn't care, fine think I am weird, but I am not wasting one minute with my baby. So if you are weirded out reading this that's ok, I understand that you can't understand. That night my family said their goodbyes to Addison as we wanted out last day to just be the three of us. That was hard to watch them say goodbye.
Our nurse S took her again that night and brought her back to us Tuesday morning at 6am. We sat in bed with her between us, held her, kissed her and loved her. When it was time for S to leave (7:45am) she brought us in a new day nurse...not D. I couldn't bear the thought of that nurse taking Addison away...what if she was one who thought it was weird...what if a dead baby freaked her out...she seemed nice, but I wasn't taking any chances so I asked S to take her where she needed to be before she left. She agreed and (oh just typing this makes the tears fall down my face) we told her goodbye, kissed her and told her we loved her.
I'll never forget that moment; it was almost as hard if not as hard as hearing she had no heartbeat. There she went, out the door without her parents, but thank God for S. If it hadn't been her or D, I don't know that I would have let anyone else touch her.
I feel like the only reason I am semi "normal" now is because I got so much time to grieve with her right there with me, that my family got to have their time and that there are very few things I didn't do. For example I didn't get to see her butt...I know that may sound odd, but I wanted to see it and there are no pictures of it. Other people got to see it, but I didn't and I regret that, that's a pretty small regret in the grand scheme of things!
We got 3 days, not 3 whole days, but still 3 different days Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to hold Addison and love her. Those were the best 3 days of my life all things considered. I was thinking if I could go back and change things to where we never had Addison at all so we wouldn't have to know the pain of losing a child, I wouldn't. Obviously if I could have her here with us I would, but if I only had control over losing her or not having her at all I would do this all over again. She was worth all of it. That might sound crazy to you, but a life without knowing Addison at all isn't one I want. Those 40 weeks and 5 days with her in my belly + those 3 days with her in my arms made EVERYTHING worth it.