Saturday, February 5, 2011

2 Months In

The front

2's hard to believe it's been 2 months already. So many firsts that we have missed out on. I keep getting weekly updates in my email that tells me what my baby should be doing at this stage in her life. I can't bring myself to unsubscribe to the list...on one hand it breaks my heart a little every time I get one and on the other it makes me feel just a little closer to my sweet baby.

In a way this month was a little easier because the ache was just the tiniest bit less, however the more time that goes by the harder it gets knowing that it has been so long since we were with Addison.

This month I got my body back, no more leaky boobs, the tingle in my foot is barely noticeable and the color came back to my face. I still feel phantom movement in my belly, that breaks my heart every time...I get excited at first and then quickly realize the cold hard truth. I'm still not sleeping through the night, but I start back at the gym on Monday so hopefully that will be the thing I need to tire me out!

I made a lot of good steps this month, held 2 baby girls (with no tears), went to two baby loss support groups, went back to my OBGYN for a checkup where my doctor said I was physically healed and spent lots of time with friends.

This last week was a pretty good one, but Friday it started to go a little downhill. We ran into the doctor that delivered Addison at dinner. It's weird because I really like him, but seeing him kinda bummed me out for the rest of the evening. Today was a hard day...just feeling pretty sorry for myself I guess.

When I found out I was pregnant with Addison, I bought Brian a watch as my way of telling him. I told him it was the last nice gift he would ever get because we were having a baby. He rarely takes it off. I went to his work and asked him for his watch. I took it to get engraved since it is his "Addison" watch. I had it engraved to say To: Daddy Love: Addi 12/5/2010. It will always be his Addison watch. I waited while it was engraved and couldn't believe how different the mall made me feel old to walk around and people watch. I think EVERY mother/daughter combo was at the mall today along with at least a dozen pregnant ladies/teenagers and even more was torture, but I couldn't leave without the watch.

I am so judgmental friends that are pregnant or have babies don't bother me, but all the skeezy looking moms at the mall with their bellies sticking out under their shirts and their toddlers with runny noses and mismatched clothes...yeah I hate them. That's probably petty of me, but it's how I feel.

All in all I think this month went better than I had expected. I am still sad a lot, but I am able to look at her pictures and smile. Alex came over and helped me (well did it for me) with photo shopping Addison's pictures. He turned her feet into a butterfly and fixed a couple photos to make her look more like we remember her. Sarah brought me flowers and green tea :)

I ordered a stamp that is her footprints in the shape of a butterfly and started working on her birth announcements/thank you cards. I hope to order them tomorrow. I can't believe it's been two months and they are not done yet...that is so not like me, but I am sure everyone will understand. I still need to get to the headstone...I'm just having a hard time with that. I am so thankful that the obituary was posted, that was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Thank you to everyone who remembered us today. We love you and so appreciate your emails, texts and messages.

The back says To Daddy Love Addi 12/5/2010


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