Friday, January 14, 2011

"We haven't forgotten"

This week was full of firsts. I am still having the thoughts of "wow, the last time I did this or went here I was pregnant". If only I could go back and change things, if I knew then what I know now...I hate that, but that thought runs across my mind several times per day. God I miss being pregnant with my Addi!

I did two big things this week. The first was one of my friends from childbirth class invited me to come meet her new baby girl. I really wanted to, but I was super nervous about it. I hadn't held a baby since Addison and I didn't know what emotions I would feel or if I would be able to do it without being an emotional wreck. I thought about it all day and when it was finally time to meet her I took several deep breaths. They handed me their baby right away and...nothing! Wahoo! The visit was really nice and it was nice to see them and meet their new baby, but I had no emotional feeling towards it.
I am really happy that they are still friends and are able to include us, I am sure it was weird for them at first too. I think I would have been unsure of how to handle things if the situation were reversed. I wasn't sure if holding a baby would fill that aching void I have, but it didn't because it isn't a baby I am aching for, it is Addison. I actually worry that baby no. 2 won't give me that same feeling as I got from Addison, but that is a worry for another day. I know I will love a second baby, but the void left by Addison is here forever and honestly I wouldn't want anything to replace it.

The second was going to a PS meeting (parent support). The hospital has a monthly meeting for parents like us to meet and talk about our losses. Brian and I went together, I had knots in my stomach thinking about it...I just kept imagining one of those scenes in a movie from an AA meeting (I know weird, but that's all I could compare it to). I was picturing everyone sitting in a circle and saying "Hi, my name is _____ and I have a dead baby". Harsh, but true. I couldn't have made it less appealing in my head.
We got there and there was only one other person there and the leader, so technically two. They were both men...I really expected it to be all women and for Brian to be the odd man out, but no, I was the only mom. One lost his son 10 years ago and another lost his daughter 29 years ago...yep 29! It just goes to show you that you NEVER get over this. I think we will go again, but I don't know how many more. I still have 2 other moms to talk to who went through this and I think they are more help to me than the meeting, but it can't hurt to go.

Today is the 6 week mark. I can't believe it. Saturdays are still hard. I wake up and flash back to where we were. Like this morning it was 9 something and I was thinking how I was on my way to the hospital with no idea on how drastically my life would forever be changed. Now it's noon and I was in the delivery room talking about starting labor and changing into a hospital gown completely devastated and broken hearted. Is this how every Saturday will be? Now I am sitting in an empty house with just the sounds of the computer keys clicking and the dogs breathing all passed out next to me...there should be a baby crying or sleeping on me, I should be able to smell that sweet baby smell or hell even a blown out diaper! So many things we are missing out on.
 I thought by 6 weeks I would be me again...not so much. I still have numbness in my left foot from the epidural. They didn't seem to worried about it and honestly it doesn't hurt and it really isn't that annoying so if I have a little numbness in my foot forever and it reminds me that Addison was really here, I'm ok with it, not that I need a reminder, but it is still something that I can really feel.
I might get into some TMI so stop reading this paragraph if you want to...remember you don't have to read this! haha Well as of today by boobs are dried up, which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I'm still sore down there and wonder how I am ever supposed to be with my husband again...poor Brian. We have our 6 week check up on Friday, which is closer to 7 weeks or so DH keeps reminding me ;) In all honesty DH is not pushy at all, completely patient and wonderful. I am a lucky girl to have such an amazing husband in so many ways :)

Ok, that part is over :)Hopefully the doctor will release me to workout at the gym. I really think it will help physically and emotionally, I am also hoping it will tire me out so I can sleep better at night.

For the most part I think this was a good week for me. I went to my parent's house the other day and they had received a card from a mutual friend that just simply said "we haven't forgotten" wow, those three little words are so powerful and so meaningful. I think that is my favorite thing ever written, so simple and so wonderful. If you ever want to lift my spirits, those are the words I need. Seriously, Wow! I haven't been able to stop thinking about that card all week and it wasn't even sent to me! People are freaking amazing!

They say teenage boys think about sex every 7 seconds. I never understood that...how you could be functioning and working on something else while your mind flashes to something else. Well, I get it now. I am pretty sure I think about Addi at least every 7 seconds (I know this is a weird comparison, but it is true)! I can be in the middle of work or a conversation and her name just flashes through my brain, nonstop 24/7. You don't ever have to wonder if I am thinking about her because I am. I can't even control it. People are still afraid to bring her up to me...probably the ones that don't read this blog:) It's funny though because while they are cautiously not bringing her up so I won't have to think about it, all that is going through my head is, please say it, please say something...please acknowledge my baby.

Ok, I am off to accomplish something today, even if it is just vacuuming and doing laundry, but you can be sure of the one thing on my mind! I love you Addison!

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