Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sad

I'm feeling really sad today, no specific trigger just a buildup of everything. I think it really started Tuesday after work. I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment. As I am waiting I notice the woman in the waiting room with me...she is pregnant, but that doesn't upset me. Then the receptionist comes over and starts talking to her asking her all about her pregnancy...I think I am still ok. Then out of nowhere my heart starts racing, my throat tightens and I can feel the tears start to well up. I am practically screaming at myself (in my head) not to cry. I'm thinking don't make a scene, don't draw attention to yourself, just hold it together!

I think the main reason I had such a reaction was just because I had that same conversation with that same receptionist just a few months ago. The girl was just blissfully happy and I hated her for that. She wasn't thinking about all the things that could go wrong and why should she, I was blissfully happy at that point in my pregnancy too.

The receptionist asked her all the "normal" questions, how far along, was this the first child, was the nursery ready and then she asked her boy or girl...I paused took a deep breath and prayed she would say a boy...not that it really matters, but that's just what I was thinking. She said it's a GIRL she sounded so completely thrilled then she asked if they had a name. Her name was going to be Madison. I wanted to say something like please stop talking because you guys are slowly killing me! I didn't I just sat there looking down at the floor trying not to engage.

After they were done talking I just kept thinking...does she know that having a healthy baby isn't a given, does she know there is no guarantee that she will get to take her baby home, does she know how lucky she will be if she gets to do that, does she know??? I hope she never has to know.

After work yesterday I went to the cemetery where we will eventually get a headstone for Addi. I couldn't help, but be a little angry that she didn't already have a stone there. I can't even explain the hurt I feel for her not having a spot there. Hopefully I will be able to pick one out for her this weekend. I drive passed that cemetery everyday on my way to and from work and every trip breaks my heart a little more. I will post a picture of the “baby garden” where Addi will go.

Last night we went to a different support group. It's nice to talk about Addison with other people that know what this is like. I don't know how much it helps, but it certainly doesn't hurt. This time the people had much more recent losses so it had a much different feel than the last group.

When we got home I decided to take 1 Advil pm. It's been over a week since I have had a whole night of sleep. I convinced myself that I have been feeling more sad than normal because of my lack of sleep. I slept through the whole night last night, but I still feel sad today. I was on my way to make a few bank deposits and I had to pull over. I could feel that all too familiar lump in my throat and my eyes were starting to well. I had a good cry on the side of the road, talked to Addison a bit and then pulled myself together to finish my errands. There is nothing like feeling like you are making progress and then having a day like this to knock you flat on your behind!

This week I started working on Addison’s obituary…there’s nothing like writing an obituary for a baby. Talk about a crappy scenario. Then I send it in to get a price quote $295.30!!! Holy crap! I really think this should be more of a courtesy than anything. So then we were left with the choices of cutting it down or not. I really don’t want to. I already feel like she gets so little space in this world, that even if I have to pay for it, I want her to have it. The obituary should be in Sunday’s paper. I’m sure I will blog again once it is up.

So now I sit just waiting for this work day to be over. I know I am lucky to have a job in these hard economic times, but I can’t help, but resent my job. That’s a different story for a different day.

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